Ok, understood.

Melissa

Hi Melissa and Kate,

Right about the time I turned 10, and I can not be certain, I may have been nine, but I read an article about a transsexual. From that moment on, I knew I was a transsexual, even though I had never had not even learned how to masturbate. Even though I knew this growing up, and before I was married.  I always assumed I was in control of it.

I thought it was my decision to decide if I would "accept" being a transsexual.  For me, this was how denial worked. I knew I was one, but felt that i couild decide to live my life as one, or not.  It was not until much later that I realized that I did not control these desires and eventually they would overwhelm me. By denying to myself that I had no control over being transsexual, I effectively made myself "normal", at least as far as the world was concerned.  I could just keep it secret and no one would ever know.

My desire to be a real female never subsided in my own mind.  There was never a time that I was ok with being a man.  It was more that I accepted that there was nothing I could do about it.  That was the real denial.  I could have done something about it any time I wanted. But the consequences were huge.  I had a wife, that did not approve, and I had kids, a business to run.  I assumed I would have to give up everything.  This was very close to being true, in the end.

I beleive there is too much concern among our own community about when we figured out what the problem was. We all started out the same, as you pointed out, we knew something was wrong, but did not know what. Whether or not you figured it out when you were 5, 10, 25 or 45 makes no diffference in the end.

I know there are many out there that will not agree with this.  There are those who feel that all "true" transsexuals knew from an early age.  There are those who beleive that "true" transsexuals transition, while psuedo-transsexuals just talk about how much they want to.  Threre are many that beleive that all "true" transsexuals are only attracted to their own birth sex. MtF are only attracted to men and FtM are only attracted to women. HOwever, available data on transsexuals shows none of those things to be true.  Just a lot of different opinions.

While I realize that this is not a scientific study, your survey shows we have more that make us alike, than make us different.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Hi Elizabeth.  I really liked how you stated your denial as being something you denied being out of your control.  I think that was what I was trying to express about Kate.

I'm a little different.  First of all, I never read the article, so I didn't know transition was even possible until last year.  For the past 8 years or so, I was in "hardcore denial".  I literally made myself forget everything.  My past was a big blank spot, like trying to remember what you got for christmas 17 years ago.  It took a lot of searching to be able to remember what I did intentionally forget.  Occasionally stuff would just sort of "pop up" after I started this introspective search.  I would put it in a new context that I had never looked at it in before and I would realize that being TS had a significant impact on this memory.

Before I went into hardcore denial, I was in softcore denial, where I was aware of the problem, but refused to see myself as anything but "normal".

Melissa

My case was only slightly different. As a preteen, I knew there was something odd and different about me; I specifically remember one night lying awake in bed wondering if it was possible to be born "part girl".

I think I was in my mid teens when I first heard the term "transsexual", and almost immediately realized that that was what I was. The problem was that in those ancient times, information on the subject was difficult if not impossible to find, and I spent the better part of my life believing that any sort of real transition was an impossibility for me. I was too tall, too heavy, my hands and feet were too big and my features too masculine. I was a woman, but I could never live as one.

Skip forward 30 years, and I'm still just muddling along, unhappy with who I am. My marriage and all my relationships had ultimately failed because I was never able to be completely open and honest with anyone. I felt the most I would ever be able to do was to become temporarily female in the privacy of my home, living that way for a day or two at a time.

Then by chance I met a couple of TSs online, and later in person. I listened to them, asked questions, went to a TG club. Then suddenly something snapped inside, and I realized, "I can do it...! I can lose weight; hormones will make a lot of changes in my body; with the right clothing, makeup and hairstyle I wouldn't look too bad... and damn, there are an awful lot of really tall women out there!"

From that day to now, I haven't looked back.

Quote from: Annie Social on June 13, 2006, 11:22:10 PM
and damn, there are an awful lot of really tall women out there!"

...and as the taller TS women transition, the statistics change in their favor.

Melissa

I guess I'm lucky in a way that I never denied or was in denial of who or what I was.  I did hide it from others but I never hid it from myself.

Steph

Quote from: Stephanie Craxford on June 14, 2006, 06:32:20 AM
I guess I'm lucky in a way that I never denied or was in denial of who or what I was.  I did hide it from others but I never hid it from myself.

Steph

Actually, I'd say you weren't lucky if you weren't in denial, because you had to constantly face it.

Melissa

Well, I got on this thread and things are moving a lot faster now that Susan, so patiently, got me to another whatever you call those letters.
Melissa, I think you hit it on the head with most TS's. I figured I was about 4 or 5 and I didn't have hardly any friends. I think I stated it once before, that I really didn't like to do what the boys were doing and the girls, I liked what they were doing but was not included in their games. I did play or tried to play some sports in PE, when schools had PE. I wasn't very good, was always picked last. I started trying girls clothes on when I was about 7 I think and did it off and on for 50 years. Now I just wear them all the time-LOL. It wasn't until I got a computer and started talking with others, including people on Susans. I transitioned without any live people around except my therapist. I didnt use a support group, I did belong to one, but I was pretty much open to myself in other words I was not into denial at that time. I knew I was a crossdresser and didn't know for sure if I was TS. When I went to espirit in 2000 I knew right then and there I was in the wrong body. I didn't know for sure before, just kind of thought it. I always wished to be female, but one look in the mirror told me that I was male. I didn't know if I would ever be female. Now, here it 2006 and I have been physically female for two years now. Mentally since I was born just didn't know it.
Sheila