hello everybody,

i'm new here. i decided to join because when i get depressed the topic of "i wish i had a mans body" comes up very quickly in my mind and i need to figure out if i want to do something about that, of find some peaceful way of seeing that my body is okay and i can deal with what i've got.  i'm not sure i would want to transition....but i can say, if it weren't so difficult financially, or socially, i think i would consider it more.

i have diagnosed depression,(i guess it could be something else as well) had problems with it in the past couple years and take meds for it...but have been doing well in the recent months. mine's a little different than some folks (yeah, isn't everybody's?) sometimes my mood will change suddenly and i can get upset about something quickly, get very upset in one evening, and a day or week later it's like it was a bad dream.

so recently my meds came back a different generic, one that has a poor time-release technology...making me very upset and yet giddy on the same day...and i was thinking about how i should've been a man all along but a transition wouldn't help me, it still wouldn't be the same, and feeling absolutely horrible...i mean, sitting at work and trying not to cry because of stupid little bodily things.

i don't know what to ask... is that sort of thing how many of you felt at one time?  i get confused, because i do get distorted thinking sometimes...and yet i know some of this really is how i feel, for real.

Yes, I have felt like this and still do. It called gender dysphoria for a reason, it feels like crap. I think it is especially bad when we are at our lowest or stressed. I sometimes feels like it is rising up to kick me when I am down, or maybe I'm down because it kicked me there in the first place.

What I can tell you is that as you learn more about yourself the confusion often fades. You still have that pain, but with the confusion gone it leaves you able to think more clearly about what to do about it. The other important thing to know is that you don't have to hurry to work it all out and sometimes it takes a very long time. It is worth taking the time to talk about it, compare yourself with the stories of others, and arm yourself if knowledge. Your doing the right thing. Don't be afraid or feel guilty to try things out, like altering your appearance in reversable ways. It is ok to decide you are one thing and then change your mind as you learn more.

I think things are extra difficult becuase of your mental health right not. I would suggest putting effort towards getting better meds that work for you, getting a bit more stable. This will make it easier for you to face your gender issues. Do you think depression is all that is going on? I only ask because you mention that yours is a bit different from other folks and the quick mood changes don't sound quite like depression as I know it. Not that I am an expert, just raising the possiblity.

Take care,
keep asking lots of questions. We are all here to help eachother.

Thank you Nicky!  I have slowly done a few things in the past year or so, binding my chest and some other things...with most of the changes, i kept them for good and now feel uncomfortable if i don't. even though i've since moved back to a place where it's not a common thing at all. i feel too wierd without those changes, whatever looks i get.

i understand what you mean about my mental health. i did talk to a pharmacist and got the medicine i'm used to yesterday.
and i'm much better this year than last.

all i'm diagnosed with is depression, but while a lot of it was going on i was uninsured and went to clinics in the city i lived in at the time. so that was kind of a pieced together treatment from intern counselors and a general practitioner at a community clinic. i know from the way i am and screenings i see online that it's always a possibility i have bipolar, not in a severe way if i do, but at the time i couldn't afford a real diagnosis...and then told myself i'd only worry about it again if crisis came. i do have some great online friends who understand that stuff and they are great.

but they don't know how to help with my feelings about wanting to be male, and how upset this makes me, so they suggested i find a forum about it.

Hey Michael,

welcome to Susan's. The people here are a friendly bunch.

I, too, often feel that life would be better if I had a male body. I am not seeking hormone treatment yet, but I am thinking about it. First, I want to get things straight in my head. Once I understand myself better, then I will decide which path is right for me.


Take care,
Vincent

hi Polarbear!  it's nice to meet you!

i often feel like i can't do ANYthing about it, and it gives me this wierd feeling that doesn't have words...i don't think in words so much...but makes me feel like i'm not really anything. like i'm already dead. i know that sounds bad, but it's how it feels sometimes.

Quote from: michael on September 26, 2008, 09:25:17 AM
i often feel like i can't do ANYthing about it, and it gives me this wierd feeling that doesn't have words...i don't think in words so much...but makes me feel like i'm not really anything. like i'm already dead. i know that sounds bad, but it's how it feels sometimes.

Hi, Michael, and welcome.

If I read you right, you're suffering from what I call the numbs, or zombie days. You feel like you're dead inside?

For me, it's a coping mechanism to keep me from feeling too much painful stuff. I get the impression that it's rampant among trans folks.

Do you need to find a gender therapist? Susan's has resource pages with a list of therapists.

Anyway, you've found a great forum. We are very supportive. Keep coming back--we'll be here.