Hello, everyone. I really don't know how to begin. I was born male and still live as male. I'm 50 years old, married with a darling son. But I dream of another reality. Given the current state of my health, transitioning is not possible. Nor would I want to inflict it upon my wife and child. They deserve the husband and father I was when we met and not the stress of me becoming what I feel I should have been and who I hide from them.

I have since the age of seven or so had an affinity with femininity. I dressed in my mother's clothes as often as I could. Many times I was caught and punished for it. By my teenage years, I had become very good at it having read my mom's cosmo magazines. I often went out at night dressed as Sarah. It was exhilerating and something I longed to be able to do fulltime. I never until my late twenties knew that you could change physical gender. And when I did learn this, I decided I wanted to make the change. But my fear and lack of support and lack of finance prevented this from happening. And so, I find myself a 50 year old frustrated woman/man who won't admit to anyone her true self.

Perhaps on this forum I can just let myself be who I would rather be. After all, Sarah Dreams.

Hello, welcome to the site.

I hope you can feel free to be who you are here, it's what this place is for. However, the more you let that self out the harder it is to put it back.

Welcome to Susan's, Sarah.

50-ish, married with child/ren. There are others here, and elsewhere, who are in the same position. I do so understand your concerns and feelings an loyalty to your wife and child. Those are always difficult balances to weigh, for anyone. And I also understand the need to live one's life as herself. Like I said, hard things to balance.

The easy thing to say would be "you will be no good to them if you don't be good to you." Well, that's certainly correct in some ways, but it isn't, imo, the only and deciding aspect of whether or not to transition. I believe you stated elsewhere that you are not currently doing so.

I do agree that discovering who one's self is, or at least parts of that self we have hidden away, mostly even from ourselves is a wonderful first step, at any age. But there is si much more to "self" than simply an interior knowing or desire, right? And you need to be able to accept that as well, that your self has all of those little bits of those you love beyond life included in the mix that makes "Sarah." Such difficult choices we come to in our lives.

I don't know, in fact I am pretty certain, that no one can just cheer-lead you into a transition. None of us outside yourself is gonna have any clue about what moves you and strengthens or weakens you. But, perhaps as we learn to talk together as a group such things will become clearer to you.

If that is what you are coming here for, then I imagine you'll find it. Susan's has many intelligent and caring people who write and read here. It's nice to add you to that number.

[on the topic of T: depending on what the dosage is it's not unusual for post-op women to require some T for health and wellness reasons. Happens a lot. Although I suspect the dosages you are gonna be prescribed would be an effective "male" boost and not simply a bit added to impact energy and as a prophylactic against bone-loss, etc. In that regard you may actually decide you should "come out" just to be able to talk about it with your wife and doctor. I don't know. I expect no one here will, except you.]

As you try to make sense of things and weigh your options, please know that you are among people who are willing to become friends, even through our limitations.

Thank you for becoming "one of us." Welcome,

Nichole

Thank you, Nichole, for your words of encouragement.

I did confess to my wife that I used to crossdress and had desired to be a "real" woman. I don't know why I did this except to test the waters. Her response was, "But you don't do that now, right?" I chickened out and said, "Oh, no. That part of my life is over." Silly me. At least my therapist knows the truth.

If an angel dropped from the sky right now and said that I could become a complete woman right now, I'd say YES!

I'm just glad there is a place like this where I can, to some extent, just be Sarah. can I shout tht? I am SARAH! 

Yes, dear, you may. "Shout" all you need to! Somehow, luv, it will be ok and so will you. We'll work on it together, ok?

Nikki

Hi Sarah!

I can relate well with what you are going through and how your life has been. I'm 56 now and was at the same place you are 3 years ago. I'm married with two beautiful children 10 and 11 that I love with all my heart and soul. My whole life I have tried to hide and deny who I am to protect them, my friends and family from the real me. So the question has always been, "How can I manage and incorporate CC into my life alone and be happy?" The answer to that questions is different for everyone.

Susan's helped me find my answer and I am forever grateful.

So welcome and please keep posting and asking the questions you have. You will find a lot of wonderful people here.

Wish For Peace, Happiness and Acceptance For All

CC

God...When could one day the world become more understanding!!!!
God bless U Sarah!!!

Dear Sarah,

Yes, welcome! This is indeed a place where you can shout your name, and find friends.

For example, my background is similar to yours: I'm 60, and I dressed up in mom's clothes whenever I could. Until I was 16, I thought I was the only guy in the world who did that, and until I was 20, I didn't know that it was possible to change your sex. I decided not to go that route because of lack of support, lack of money, fear (that I'd end up looking like a freak, that I'd just add new problems without solving the old ones, that I'd have to work twice as hard for half the pay, etc, etc).

I never went out in public as "Mary Sue", though. No guts. 

If you're looking for other outlets for being your real self without hurting your family, have you considered online role playing sites? I've tried that, and I've found it to be a lot of fun. If you're interested, and would like some recommendations (positive and negative), PM me. The site rules discourage posting links directly, and I don't want to push it.

-- Mary Sue