Hey all!

About 6 months ago I admitted to myself that I'm some form of transgender, but only intellectually.  I was in a session with my therapist and was doing a subconscious exercise and mentioned that I'd be interested in cross-dressing, and I really felt a ton of energy surge through me when I said that to him.  I'm living in the middle of San Francisco right out of college, so I'd (you'd) think it would be so easy to go and be free and be myself.

Well every day I'm realising more and more how dead inside I am.  I'm bio-male and have been a (what I thought) happy boy/man all my life.  But now that I'm really starting to introspect, I'm realising that I haven't felt alive in the longest longest time.  And it's so incredibly painful to realise how much of my life I've been wasting being dead to the world......or so I think it's painful, but I'm so blocked I can't feel anything.  I'm dead and still don't feel, and my therapist says that I should concentrate on the small amounts of pain I feel as much as possible.  He says it doesn't directly have to do with my Gender identity, that I'm dead inside no matter who I am and no matter what I identify as.

But it seems to me like as long as I keep pretending to be a man to the outside world (which I'm really good at..appearing as a male w/o any feminine qualities at all...and this is actually a terrible thing because it hurts me how easy it is to pretend and lie to myself and to everyone else!)...as long as I keep pretending to be a man to the outside world, I'll remain dead inside.  I'm thinking that I won't start feeling anything until I begin coming out to more than just a few people and until I start doing something behaviorally about all of this.  I know it will include an ENORMOUS amount of pain once I do start feeling, but I want to start feeling so badly..I hate being this way, a person only half-alive.  I live entirely in my head..I live a very intellectual lifestyle, always examining and analysing everything possible: it's my coping mechanism way of keeping total self-control; I try to control my entire life with my head and I closed my heart off long ago, and now I'm stuck in prying it open again!

I don't know exactly what I'm looking for or what I'm trying to say.  I guess I'm wondering if any of you have been through similar things, especially relating to your ability to act on your true gender identity?  Have others felt so blocked?  Obviously we each have our own past and have been through unique circumstances, but have others of you felt this way?  That you wouldn't feel alive until you began expressing yourself?

Thanks for reading and listening and responding!!

The "dead-inside" experience seems to be about normal for most of us, I think.

But the time it takes people to decide to be themselves varies. Some transition in their teens and twenties (more now than ever with a growing number added every year it seems like.) Others wait until 30s-50s and more people than ever between 60-80 are transitioning.

Everyone seems to have different tolerance levels and certainly different circumstances: montary, repsonsibilities as we see hem, lelvel of knowledge, etc that delay or subvert changes.

Henry Thoreau said: "most [people] men lead lives of quiet desperation." For transsexuals that was certainly true in the past, but people are evidently realizing there are better ways to go than being quiet and desperate these days.

Nichole

I sure have felt that.  I keep thinking to myself that until this January I was just half-alive and since then and doing things about how I feel I have been coming more alive.  I'm more outgoing, happier about myself and friendlier as well.

I think that once begins to accept this, and then act on it (however that works out for you, and it works out different for all of us) that things change for the better.  Nothing feels good bottled up, and wanting to express different parts of ourselves is what makes us human. 

If this is a part of you that you wish to express, explore that.  You don't have to make any sort of full blown commitment or anything, go as fast or as slow as you wish.  There are a number of ways to do that also, so don't limit your thinking to just one path or option.

In SF the list of safe places and events you could go to is almost endless.  I would suggest TGSF, which has monthly meetings and socials, and is a place were lots of people begin in a safe atmosphere.  But hey, the trans march felt nice and safe too.  Matter of fact, it rocked, and no one would judge you, or even care.

*Has been where you are*

It seems like a gift, this ability to be a chameleon and pretend that you are what people expect you to be.

But if you find yourself using it all the time so that you can hide who/what you are, then it's no gift.

A lot of us know that dead feeling. A lot of us are experts at self-suppression. In fact, if you've suppressed for a long time, you might keep doing it even after you come out. It can be sporadic, popping up now and again and interfering with your quest to find yourself.

Yes, we know it well. You're not alone.

I too feel a surge of excitement when I dress as a male. And I too feel more upset, the more I realize how I'm really supposed to be male, and how I "pretend" to be female often. It's as if being female has become almost permanent on the outside, meaning that I always act fairly female, even though on the inside, I'm clearly male.

You're not alone, Dennise!



-Merrick

*Feeling like this right at this moment* *sigh*

Just to stick my nose in far enough to say "emotionally dead" is how I ended up describing myself. It's nice to be able to feel again.

Oh, *remembers she's human*, um, *soft encouraging hug for Jay then scampers back out the door which she came*

I know that emotionally dead feeling, too.  For me it's a seperate issue from gender identity but  another problem, depression.  I hope you can find some relief.  You live in a great place to experiment dressing and see where that path leads.  It wasn't until I began expressing my gender publicly that I was really sure that I needed to go full time.  Remember, everyday is Halloween in San Francisco!

I concur with tekla, TGSF would be a good place to start.  The LGBT Center on Upper Market also has resources.  Should you decide that HRT is right for you, Lyon-Martin Women's Health will provide you with doctor supervised therapy.  There are all kinds of resources available here for you.  If you have questions tekla, Tink or myself will probably have an answer.   

Hopelessness is temporary. ^*HUG*

Thanks everyone for your responses!!

It, obviously, really sucks feeling this way.  And, I guess in a bad way, it's comforting to know that many people here share very similar experiences in terms of our personal journeys.  It's great to have these forums so as to feel not entirely alone.

How did some of you begin to unblock yourselves?  By just going and doing what needed to be done?  Accepting what is...
Accepting what is, seems to be my new outlook on this portion of my life.  Accept the pain and find a way to feel it so that I can move on past deadness and past pain even, and maybe onto happiness for once!  I've forgotten how to have fun and be happy and that won't change until something is done about this gender dysphoria!  Horrah!

Thanks again everyone and I wish the best to all of you as well!

First, I came to grips with the fact that everyone is weird, and this was my weirdness.  Second, knowing that, I found places to go to express it.

Hi Dennise,

    You're too young to have wasted your life.

    What you are feeling is very common for us.  I'm surprised your therapist said to concentrate on the pain. I found it helpful to also find little things that would bring joy to me and help me to see the world as I did when I was a child.

    You're in a good place to get started on your journey. You've been through school and you're on your own.  Just find some places that feel safe to you so you can openly express your self among like minded people.

    I would maybe wait a little before outing yourself. There is nothing wrong with how you feel and who you will become, however, you may wish to get to understand yourself even better first. For me, I went through a series of self realizations that finally brought me to where I am. I let people know what I was doing early on, but I kept changing too fast for them to keep up or understand.
   I'm not asking you to be entirely secretive.  Just to think out a little plan for who you may want to reveal yourself to and in what order.

   I remember feeling like I was literally dying for a while (not suicidal, but like I was dying). That was followed by a brief period of feeling blank inside. And that was followed by a feeling of being reborn as a human being (not the christian born again thing). For me, it was a spiritual awakening that left me a much better and happier person.

   It's different for everyone, I'm sure, but as long as you believe in yourself and trust yourself, you will do fine.


Sorry for the speech,

Rebis

Absolutely, this is something I'm trying so hard to get away from. I remember periods in high school where I was like a zombie. I was so numb I didn't eat... I hardly slept. Its like Dexter, the HBO show.. just trying to figure out how other people have emotions.

me too.

Been there, still working on it.
Just let a little go at a time and soon you will be amazed at the flood of emotions you will unleash once you find a way/place to deal with them

Totally.


Well, that's it for me in this thread. I got my reply down to one word.  There's nowhere to go after that.   

Thanks everyone!

Intellectually, as I said, I know exactly how dead I am and how much I don't feel and that it seems to be a fairly common phenomenon among this population of people, at least for certain points of lives.  And I also know...or at least I hope...that eventually being myself will outweigh all of this deadness and I will just have to go through with everything, pain and all.  It's just like, I can't find a trigger to start making stuff happen and emotions be felt!  I guess it will come when it's ready, which is another statement I accept and yet hate the fact that I'm not able to hurry this along..

I love reading all your responses, including all the other threads too!