... but sometimes I feel like one.

I've realized recently just how much I've accepted the notion that it's not okay to be trans, or that somehow expressing my gender is some kind of a privilege I get for good behavior, rather than a basic right. For example, even with people that I'm out to, I feel compelled to hide any obvious "evidence" of my femininity (oh, crap, girl shoes -- must throw into the closet before they get here!) Or, with my parents (who are supportive but rather unhappy about my feelings about gender), I feel like they are doing me some huge favor by supporting my desire to transition, and that somehow I need their blessing to be myself.

Well, I did something about it -- I had a friend (that I'm out to) over for a homework/study session, and didn't bother to frantically switch over to guy mode. We studied, and we talked about school, and then he left. His level of interest in my gender presentation was immeasureably low. The same guy that, after I told him I was unhappy about my gender, said, "well, you know you can change that." Thanks, Peter.

I agree that it is difficult to always feel that we have no need to hide. But it's really ingrained in some of us.  I can't wait for the world to get more queer.

I painted pictured on my fingernails last week and went around a bit, I found myself hiding my fingernails... as if it was wrong to illustrate bits of hardened skin.

I spose your mate Peter had the right idea, he gave you permission.

If I give Rebis my permission, they can give it to me and so on.

You have my permission to decorate your nails, young person.

I did the same thing a year and a half ago. Only I painted them bright red because I liked it. But then I noticed I hid my fingers a lot.

I give you permission to skip along country lanes with pretty maidens.

Pretty maidens don't want to be seen with me.

But I can skip along.

I'll skip with you, let's all skip together!

I think I'm going to paint my nails again when I get home.

I got cought with painted nails once and said " Oh I have daughters, how did they do"? I too will skip along with you singing the la dee dah.

One of the hurdles I've had to overcome in my transition wasn the ingrained homo- and transphobia that I unwittingly carried around with me.  I think many of us carry that stuff around, blissfully unaware of its existence until we wake up and realize who we really are.  Then the effects of those beliefs come out full force, from within as well as from without.

I think a balance has to be struck, however, on how we introduce the changes we make in our lives to those around us whom we love and cherish.  They have to transition along with us and it's all to easy to go too fast and leave them behind.  That said, I think gradual changes, without shame, would work best for most of us.  I know when I did that it worked better than when I suddenly thrust it upon people.

I keep having to tell my spouse that I am doing nothing to be ashamed of (she's still a bit behind me in that regard) and I force myself to act that way even if I may not be 100% convinced on an emotional level.  It seems to work, makes it easier the next time and the next, etc., to be true and authentic in the world.

hugs & smiles
Emelye

Quote from: Alyssa M. on October 06, 2008, 04:33:27 PM
I'm not a criminal but sometimes I feel like one.

I've realized recently just how much I've accepted the notion that it's not okay to be trans, or that somehow expressing my gender is some kind of a privilege I get for good behavior, rather than a basic right. Or, with my parents (who are supportive but rather unhappy about my feelings about gender), I feel like they are doing me some huge favor by supporting my desire to transition, and that somehow I need their blessing to be myself.

I feel the same way a LOT of the time. Except my parents are fairly ignorant of what trans means, what I'm currently doing to myself (binders, packers), and hope that its a phase....

So I'm a criminal...but I'm still on trial. It's like being myself isn't enough, I have to PROVE to people what trans means, and "proving myself" is a real turn off in my brain so often times it doesn't work. Who am I trying to prove myself to? I should only worry about myself. I'm happy with who I am, I'm unhappy with my body, I can change it, and that's all that matters.

But I'm human and I still need love and support, so I have to endure "being on trial" not only to my family but to my friends/roomates who are ignorant of what trans means.

Just the other day I finally told my mom I'm wearing a binder. I've been wearing one for over a month but she hasn't noticed at all.And now I forgot my STP/packer at home in one of those drawstring bookbags....And it's not like I can go "hey dad, could you bring me the bookbag I left in my drawer at home? Yeah, just hold it by the top, don't touch it" cause it'll be obvious the minute he feels through that cloth he's holding something weird.

Hey Alyssa!
how are you girl?
*huggs Alyssa*
Mmm...
give me a call ok?
it'd be good to hear from you..
-Sara