Well, when I first admitted to myself that I was a girl inside, I felt such a huge relief. I felt so happy, and it felt so right. But all it brought me was pain, pain of being in the wrong body, pain of family members being scared and worried for me, pain of not being able to do all the girl things I was supposed to, pain of having to wait to be a girl physically too...

So... now I feel stuck between two things, a rock and a hard place. Of COURSE I belive I'm a girl inside, but sometimes it's like I can't keep it up all the time, because all I feel is pain. Of course with the pain comes some peace, but... it's just so much. But I can't go back to being a boy, because that's not me, and I'm afraid to go back to when I didn't know myself and was lost. But being a girl hurts a lot too... sure, I've always dreamed to be one, ever sence I was a little (girl?) But... I can't keep my mind in girl mode all the time, it's too much stress, but I can't be a boy, because that makes me feel uneasy. So life is just constant stress, I'm always thinking about my transgendered problem because I'm scared that someday I'll like being a boy and then I'll never be my true self. But I don't want to get a sex change (Well, of course I do...but...) because I don't want all the extra stress.


*Sigh* I'm so happy I'm a girl inside, but... it's really hard...

It's not easy to be this way.  But I think that you need to do what feels most 'right' for you.. and you have to be yourself.  It's the only way to really be happy... or have a chance at being happy anyway 

Hi Heartwood,

Welcome to the club, we have al felt that misery from time to time and it is how we get through that misery to the other side that makes us better people. I know it is hard, I am still struggling after so many years.

Hang in there.



Alice

Heatwood it isn't easy this way at all. We all know where you are coming from hun. But we all deal with it diffrently.

It sounds like you are having some doubts about transitioning which we all have time to time. But at the end of the day you really have to look at what is going to make you happy, and decided on that in the end..

What worrys me most is my sex drive... It's like my body wants to have sex with women, but I shouldn't even know how to USE the damn organ! *sigh*

*hugs*

How about you just think about yourself as a person then? No one goes through life constantly focused on their gender. Other stuff gets in the way. Life can keep you plenty occupied on things that are completely genderless.

You don't have to be in any 'mode', honey. If you're female inside then how you express yourself and how you live your life will be a reflection of that, no matter what you do, because you can't be anything else. It's not something you have to constantly work at, or have to live up to some form of ideal in order to qualify for the role. Just be yourself and do what you would normally do. It won't make you anything other than who you are.

A lot of people get hung up on how they're supposed to act and how they're supposed to think in order to prove to themselves and the outside world that they are who they say they are. But none of that really matters, y'know? Admitting who you are inside is the first step on the road to being yourself. Not a role you have to play in order to 'be' a girl.

If you feel like you're drifting towards masculine endeavours or thoughts then... so what? Plenty of cisgendered girls feel like doing 'masculine' stuff. The definition is only there because traditionally it's been guys who do it... but that doesn't mean that girls can't think about doing the same things... I mean, we're not a different species.

Just keep your mind on being you, honey. Not 'girl' you or 'guy' you. If you're a girl then you will always be in 'girl mode'. How that manifests itself is more about who you are as a person and your personality than whether you're 'female enough'.

Quote from: Leiandra on October 08, 2008, 08:37:50 AM
*hugs*

How about you just think about yourself as a person then? No one goes through life constantly focused on their gender. Other stuff gets in the way. Life can keep you plenty occupied on things that are completely genderless.

You don't have to be in any 'mode', honey. If you're female inside then how you express yourself and how you live your life will be a reflection of that, no matter what you do, because you can't be anything else. It's not something you have to constantly work at, or have to live up to some form of ideal in order to qualify for the role. Just be yourself and do what you would normally do. It won't make you anything other than who you are.

A lot of people get hung up on how they're supposed to act and how they're supposed to think in order to prove to themselves and the outside world that they are who they say they are. But none of that really matters, y'know? Admitting who you are inside is the first step on the road to being yourself. Not a role you have to play in order to 'be' a girl.

If you feel like you're drifting towards masculine endeavours or thoughts then... so what? Plenty of cisgendered girls feel like doing 'masculine' stuff. The definition is only there because traditionally it's been guys who do it... but that doesn't mean that girls can't think about doing the same things... I mean, we're not a different species.

Just keep your mind on being you, honey. Not 'girl' you or 'guy' you. If you're a girl then you will always be in 'girl mode'. How that manifests itself is more about who you are as a person and your personality than whether you're 'female enough'.

Very profound Leiandra, thank you. I need to be reminded about this regularly. When I finally accepted who I am recently I was so excited to get going on my transition I started to get impatient and depressed. I couldn't figure out how to be Christine all the time or even as much as I wanted. So I would get more down and depressed. The same as all of us. Then it dawned on me that I am Christine all the time and always have been. Just not in the right physical body. So now I try to just do and be what makes Christine happy. No judgements no rules. I just have to keep myself from slipping back into self pitty.

Hugs,

Christine

Misery I would to say that you need live your life without boundaries or limitions.  As a legally blind person people have put limitations ,but I dont't live for them and do what is good for me.  We all have pain but that is what makes us strong.