here is the deal...

we have a few close family friends
who have know my son all his life....
but all of us find it confusing when
we take those inevitable strolls down
memory lane.... it borders on ridiculous
to try to sort out the use of pronouns.....
we just dont know what is in/appropriate

does it matter? are the stories about "her"
a violation of "him"? do you feel dissed
if there is a reference to "those" times
in your life using the wrong gender pronouns?

is this much ado about nothing on my part?

*scratching my head*

I don't have experience about this (yet), but I would think it wouldn't be too big of a deal.
I think it is a mess to try to "sort it all out", as you put it. When those events happened, your son was still a woman/girl in the eyes of the rest of the world. And thus people remember a woman/girl doing things back then, not a man/boy. I would think that as long as no disrespect is intended, it's no problem.

But then I'm a rather practical guy. And one who is aware that these kind of changes are really hard for the rest of the world to come to terms with and that people will use the "improper" pronouns then and again, for reasons like you just mentioned.

And, don't forget, when in doubt, ask. Ask your son how he feels about it, and if he understands that it is quite difficult for others to switch pronouns especially when concerning the past.


Good luck.
Vincent

even now when i think of my childhood i think "oh yea, when i was a little girl i....."  to me, before i was out to myself, i was still a girl to myself.  (did that even make sense?)  but hats just hw i feel.  when in doubt, go to him.

I, personally, don't worry too much about people using female pronouns when describing me in the past. I was a girl, to all outside appearances, and now I'm not. People can't help that their snap judgements of others tend to be based on physical appearance; I think the important thing is that they are respectful. Unfortunately, all of my parents' friends still call me by my birth name, as do my parents... Hizmom, I admire you so much for being so accepting of your son and making sure he is comfortable in this tough transitional time.

SD

I tend to prefer it when people use my current pronouns for stories about the past, but I don't make a big deal about it if they don't. Unless they're outing me by doing it, which really pisses me off.

Dennis

I was going to say more or less what Dennis said.  When it's just the family and life-long friends, it wouldn't be a big deal to me (as long as it was not a deliberate barb from someone trying to make a "point").  But be careful when telling stories around folks who may not know your son's history.  In general, I would think it is safer to try to get in the habit of always using "he".  But like Vincent said, it's not really us you should be asking.    Ask your son!

ì have asked him, deliberately and specifically....
all i get is a shrug of the shoulders and an offhanded
"whatever" like it doesnt matter..... but i am thinking
about your responses and am inclined to reason that
in order to avoid a future slip, an accidental outing,
it really is important to make the proper pronouns habitual....

that is all it is really, habit....

i gotta tell you, i have some of the coolest
friends in the world.... they love my son and
respect him so much, they try so hard to "get it right"

My mom was trans. When we talk about the past, we used rather mixed pronouns. When I met my older sister for the first time, we sat down and had a long talk about "Daddy" and she made sure she wasn't offending me before using male pronouns, simply because she grew up with "him" and I only know "her". My biomom does the same thing, uses the correct pronouns for present/future tense and the old pronouns for talking about "way back when".

I don't think there's anything wrong with this, but only because I mentioned it to my mom and she said it didn't really bother her. To her, pronouns are less important than family we see rarely, once a year if we're lucky.

In your case, hizmom, you're probably right about making the proper pronouns habit, simply because people are still getting used to calling your kid "he". Once it does become habitual, you could probably be a little more lenient when telling stories about the past.

IMO I was never a girl anyway, all my pictures I look like a little boy. I wore all hand me downs from cousins etc. I refused anything girly from the time I was 3. I would HATE IT if my parents said she or her when refering to the past because I NEVER was a SHE/HER. I was just to young to request they say HE/HIM. Once again your son has the COOLEST mom in the world! Camden

In my opinion I think you should try and use the pronouns that describe the person your son actually is now as that is the person you are referring too. However I know from personal experience taht your son will totally understand if you slip up stc.. although this will probably and understandly be frustrating for him at times.

It's seriously cool that you're so accepting of him. I told my Mom today, and she was really good about it. Confused, but really sweet and understanding.
In the end, I think having a Mom that worries over things like what pronouns to use and wants to do the right thing by her son is the important thing.  He's lucky to have you.

My mom took a long time to call me he but no problem now. shes cool w/it. nobody calls me she no more.  I aint a she & I dont look like a she so itd be messed up if ppl call me that. 

QuoteI was going to say more or less what Dennis said.  When it's just the family and life-long friends, it wouldn't be a big deal to me (as long as it was not a deliberate barb from someone trying to make a "point"). 

Exactly, I would feel fine with them talking about being a little girl between family and friends who know. Because then pysically I was a girl.

Though I never really fully felt like a girl even when young.  I tend to refere to myself as a young boy when younger these days.  But I'm trying to be somewhat lenient with family as know it is difficult for them.  I don't like being outed by them though.  I'm not around my family much though, so my main agrivation is being outed by medical professionals in a waiting room.

i'm kind of at a midpoint, hizmom, where i'm living in mens clothes, identifying as a male at the kid's school, etc, but have not had a marker change or anything... and i have to say that though i was socialised as a female BITD I REALLLY am triggered to resentment and discomfort if someone refers to me as a little girl... I think for me personally what would be comfortable would be "when (name) was little, He...."

but again, ask your boy. And... can I just say I love you for being so kind to your son when society can be so cruel to us guys?

holy moley!

it really does run the spectrum, doesnt it?

listen mates, i am out there for you, the trans culture as it were,
trying to educate myself and the people i come in contact
with, believing ignorance can be cured, and that stupidity
is just the lingering attachment to ignorance....

glad to say that MOSTLY i am encountering ignorance
that was just waiting for the cure to come along!!
including mine!!

i appreciate your insights
i appreciate your courage
i appreciate your unique experience
i appreciate your warmth and respect


btw......
this link is to a slideshow of the
venue adrien is playing tonight....
the "bar", not the theatre (yet!)
he is signed to play an hour show
at the bar in january!!!

(((((hugs))))) to the whole lot of you rascal lads!



 

I think it depends on where you are in transition. For me, it's easier for people to use the male pronoun because it's been so long I can't remember who knows and who doesn't. When people use female pronoun it gets me tense automatically. I have to look around and see who's there and whether they know or not. Most of the 'whatever' guys are pretty early in transition. I'd recommend getting used to male pronouns. You'll get used to saying 'when he was a girl scout' eventually

Dennis

Well with girl scouts.  I was in girl scouts a few times.  I try to refere to it as just scouts.  (When I was in scouts) etc.  Though girl scouts never really seemed much in way of scouts.

But yeh, I'm Jealous lol.  Wish I could get that kind of support from my family.

If anyone wants to talk about me before I came out, they may call me a "she" and a "her." That's who I presented as at the time. I was female, my name was Sara, all of that. I don't find it disrespectful to be honest about my past.

However, I do know that other transguys feel very different about this issue.

no one seems to have pointed out what seems glaringly obvious to me- ask your son what he'd prefer that you do.

Some people embrace their pasts, others consider themselves to have never been their assigned sex and most fall somewhere inbetween.