I made this reply on another board and thought I would post it here.
I want to come out beacuse for years it has been eating me up that I cant be myself. I cant even dress at home and I am scared of losing my family though we are really not that close ( we see each other at Christmas and vacation). So here is my queation.....

You walking by a dam. You have been walking by this dam everyday for years, since you 6 and you know the dam has a crack in it and there is water leaking out and a puddle forming beneath it. Then one day as you are walking by as an adult you stop and look at the crack and wonder if you should fix it because the puddle makes it hard for you to pass.
So you decide to fix it and in the process the crack gets bigger and bigger until water comes gushing out. Now instead of a puddle you have created a flood.
I know that not coming out is painful but that is just a puddle. Not being able to dress at home makes it a little worse.
But I have read other posts in other boards where coming out only made the crack get bigger and bigger. They cant find a job, harssarmet at a present job and losing family and friends.  
Wouldnt it be better to put up with a crack and a puddle then to make the problem bigger. Too big that you cant handle the pressure of the water comeing through the crack you made bigger?
I worry about having to quit my job and losing my family by coming out. I have no friends to lose so that is not a problem there. Although I only see my family at christmas and vacation with the exception of my mother whow lives with me. My family is not that close but they are all I have.

Because, to use the same analogy, eventually that little puddle becomes a flood on it's own. At least, that is what I found. In my case I likened it to entropy, that is to say everything dying around me. It was, quite simply painful. When I realized that it wasn't so much everything around me dying slowly but rather myself, well, it was exceptionally easy to realize that not realizing I was a girl was causing me one heck of a hurt, and had hurt considerably much of my life. Simply, doing nothing, akin to walking by the puddle, was not an option for to me, that puddle had turned into a flood on it's own. Ignoring it was not an option.

That said, ^*shrug* "coming out" ended my engagement, and ultimately worked out better for me. I've not lost any family, an indeed any family that would disown me for this I don't WANT. It has, however, made my social paranoia/anxiety worse however.

Do what you feel you must, but personally, I find leaks need attended too before they demand attention.


^*curtsy*

Your are right Kimberly, that puddle will get bigger, but each day you pass by and that puddle is a little bigger you adapt to it one day at a time. Where as if you make that crack bigger you have a much bigger problem to handle all at once and it can be too much for you to handle. Sending you deeper in to depression and who know what.
There are I think one or two members of my family who I thinks suspects ( the crack ) but I will not confront them ( making the crack bigger ). Because I could be wrong ( suggusting that the crack might not be as bad as you think ) so I am not going to create a problem I can not handle ( The wall of water coming down on me ). I rather deal with a puddle.

Results vary when coming out.  Often there is that initial flooding you describe, but usually things get better.  You eventually manage to find another job.  Family members often come back.  You gradually adjust to the changes in your life.  Many times, things work out even better.  Many parents, such as mine, will not disown you or stop loving you.  Sometimes family will even be supportive.  Revealing this knowledge will pave the way for a more honest relationship, you will know each other better, and may be even closer than before.  People keep their jobs through this, especially if their workplace has an antidiscrimination policy for transgendered people.  In short, the puddle usually shrinks or even vanishes.


Posted on: October 17, 2008, 12:01:52 pm

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     Oops!  I had more, but I accidentally pressed enter.
     Another way people avoid the flood is by taking it one step at a time.  First they build a support network of accepting friends, then they come out to family, then they start physical changes, then they start to go out as themselves in the evening, then they go fulltime, etc.  That way, only a few new problems are created at one time, and an individual can wait until they have dealt with current problems and have the strength for more to take the next step.
Adrian

hi lost...mr fox just made some awfully good points.  i can only add, and it occurred to me when i heard you say that not dressing at home only makes it worse, this:

i'm not sure that's always the case.  sometimes getting just a little piece of the pie only stokes your hunger.  i've seen dressing come up as a significant problem for some girls.  they get so into the dressing, thinking it's quelling some need in them, that they begin to act it out in risky ways.  sometimes it can lead to decisions being made outside of your control...you get caught...the cat's out of the bag and gone before you even know she's missing

dressing is not the same for the transsexual as it is for the transvestite or the cross dresser.  for them it can be an end in itself...not always...but certainly can be.  for the transsexual dressing is a completely different dynamic...it's just small part of a big deal.  getting your satisfaction taste wetted might just lead to putting more pressure on yourself.

for some of us it can come down to transition or die...i'll be very happy when that is a thing of the past, but for right now...if it comes down to it...choose life...for in there is hope. 

Hi lost. I haven`t yet come out to my family either. I`m coming up on a yaer of hormones now and have no need to tell anyone. ( My wife knows) I`m just letting myself go through transition and after I deside to go full time I`ll see what the fam thinks at that point. I needed to do this for myself and that is just it.. I used to dress in fem but noticed that I only got really depressed from it. The problem for me is my body is just all wrong and I can`t stand living in it anymore.

  Just like in the other thread, take some baby steps twards being your true self and don`t worry to much about the future. Live in the now and now you seem to need a theripist to help sort some things out.
Angie