Thanks everyone for helping me to my Fifth Anniversary!!!!!!!    15 October 2003


I was yanked into reality that day with an Out of Body Experience. I lived a lie for the last 14 years and I knew it. I was stuck in a rut and i was drinking for Oblivion. I needed a 250L  bottle of scotch a day just for maintenance and then i would drink on top of that. The emotion pain, mental anguish and the lonliness that has you on the floor crying in despair that all is lost.

I remember the statement that undid me: "Your just Jealous that you could not be me" she said. The truth will set you free they say it is usally followed by an violent emotional and physical reaction.

It was pure hate and rage for me. I mean HATE.... I'm thankful that my left Kidney decided to shut down right then. I fell to the floor slightly vexed that i could not get to her. All i know if i ws able to move 35 years of hurt and rage was going to be unleashed on a person that i used to love. She didn't deserve  that.

At my worse,when i least deserved it was when the miracle happen. I had that Out of Body Experience and was struck sober.

Sober was all i got, I had to participate to get rid of the Hate and the Hurt. I had to think of other's. I had to find a Higher Power that i could pray to. I had to stop playing GOD and realize that GOD did not put people on this earth to amuse me and to stop messing with his children. I Had to stop living a double life and come to terms that I AM A BLACK TRANSSEXUAL. I had to stop dreaming aobut a life and start living a life with the brain GOD gave me and to be responsible.

What a ride it has been. The lonliness and the blackness in my soul is still there along with HOPE, JOY and Reasonable Happiness. I still have my family and X-wife in my life even with transitioning. I digress, giggles I remember the therapist telling me in 1994 that i could never transition from boy to girl if i was drinking.

I'm alive today. I still screw up today and can end up on the floor in writhing in emotional pain. I know what to do about it today. When the defiance hits i can decided to sit in my stuff today instead of asking for help, I can usually last for 3 days in that mode.

Soo much stuff!! anyway last night at my Annivesary i had friends that came to see me. They gave me hugs and presents: 5 year medallion, Roses, 5 marbles with no instructions how to play with them,  a bag, cards and Love.

Oh yeah one skeezy 72 yr old who like me a litle bit way to much, i rejected his hug and the gift he wanted to give me rofl  as if....


IDK thanks everyone. So much stuff has happened the past five years and this little blog just cant justify the Miracle and all things that i have experienced Living sober as an Transsexual......