Well id like to introduce myself here to the forums, ive been lurking for awhile.
First of all since last summer ive been driving myself insane with the intense feelings of being a guy trapped inside.

I think im still in denial...This is just too surreal for me. I ask over and over, are these feelings real? Then I remember, all of the events in my childhood, my earliest memories of my life, pretending to be a boy, and liking it.. and things like, acting like one until i realized it was wrong, being teased about it.. Then put myself thru the torture of wearing makeup, and acting girly, and things like that until highschool was over.... I guess I just wanted to fit in, but I realize now that didn't work, because I had/have become so depressed, full of anxiety, isolated that ive lost all of my friends, and dont even talk to my parents who i live with.
And then I'm still reassured about my feelings when I take a shower I cant look at my body, when I do i see a disgusting thing that is not me - an ugly fat looking female shaped body, ugly pointy breasts, fat girl legs, no muscle, no penis......
And reading from the ftm forums, I can relate, that I never have and never will stick a tampon or anything up there (vomit), or even touch it in any sexual way... its just plain wrong..

It's strange, because I remember the first time seeing on Dateline or whatever about transexuals and it never clicked but my mom was watching it too, and I tell her "why would anyone want to be a woman?" (no offense to the ladies here, it's just that, my experiences in life have made me almost sexist towards my own sex! I disgust myself  ) I guess I figured.. im a girl, who likes guys, I'm normal right?

I'm just so angry, frustrated at my life. I could of had a good future, but I am so extremely shy and anxious that I cant break out of my shell... and I tell my self - if my body can't be truly male, what's the point of doing anything, or getting help for my other problems? If I can't express my true self in the world, why should even live? Not to sound dramatic but some nights I just break down and cry, of the thought of never being able to have a normal sexual/romantic relationship with a guy.. If I did as a female, it just wouldn't be right at all.. I just wish I were a gay man. Then everything would be right.
 
So now im at the point, where im considering "coming out" in some way, but not in an "official" way like a letter, etc.... I'm thinking of expressing my body dysphoria to my mom, after i have to have a gyno exam to refill my birth control prescription..ughghgh 
I just don't know what to do. I'm bursting at the seams, im ready to explode, I need mental help... After over a year of feeling this way, I'm more certain that this is not just a phase, it will never go away.
I'm afraid of what my conservative parents will think, if they will help me, or support me. My mom already suspects my problem, so I think she would be more accepting. I just want to get a therapist for this, to sort things out, and I'm not independent yet to deal with it myself.. So i have no choice but to tell them somehow..

Sorry for the long post, I just have noone else to go to for this..

Hey perfectisolation,

welcome to Susan's. There are a lot of friendly folks here.

I can relate to the feeling of surrealism. For me, these feelings of "maleness" are still kind of new as well. I've been struggling with this for about a year and a half.

I do believe that FtM can express their true selves to the world, even when their body isn't completely male. The majority of the outside world doesn't see or look behind a haircut, clothes and perhaps a nice moustache. In relationships things will be more difficult, I won't lie about that. But many FtM guys can and do find a partner that see them for the man they are.

I think there can come a lot of good from trying to work on your problems. I know what it is to be shy, I was it as well, and still am sometimes. I also have an anxiety-problem, and take a small amount of medication for that. I've talked extensively to a counselor about my anxiety, and he helped me a lot. It comes and goes, though. That's life, right?

How do you think your parents will react? From what you write, I take it you live with them.
For one, I think you are a very brave guy. You just had your first coming-out on these forums. That takes a lot of guts.


Take care,
Vincent

Welcome to susan's! 

The way you're feeling, i think most of us here have felt at some time or another, so your certainly not alone!

I did the same as you growing up, pretending to be a girl at a young age, and after learning that doing so was "wrong", trying to fit in as a male.  Being really shy as well, i think that comes natuarally with having to hide who you are.  And i pushed away my friends and family as well once i reached puberty where i was really depressed and self-harming.

I know it can be really hard to make the decision to come out, and i can see why you feel that its pointless.  But maybe another question to ask yourself is - can you sit back and do nothing?  You've just come out to us *hugs*, so there is a part of you that wants things to get better.  Its scary to contemplate, but you really can be you!

IF you're thinking about coming out, then coming out first to a person who you think is most likely to accept it is a good starting place.  I know you've said that you've lost all your friends, but have you lost them for good?  If you told them how you feel, especially anyone who you think will be accepting of what you say, then maybe they'd understand also why you pushed them away?

Hugs
Jenny

Hi Perfectisolation,  I know how you feel. I have kept it to myself for years thinking it will fo away but it doesnt it only got worse for me. It affected my grades in school so I couldnt get into a collage, it affects my job everyday. I distanced my self from my friends because for one thing is I am very uncomfortable in  male clothes to the point where I have no friends. I know I should have been a girl my whole life and not being able to tell any one affected my life to the point where I feel I am stuck in a male body that I hate. I am meeting with my therapist for the first time tomorrow. If not for anything else I need to come out to some one and relieve some of the pressure. I can not afford to tranision and if I cant become the woman I am then Hormones is out too, because if I cant be complete then half way is no good either, I still will have a penis that will remind me I am still a man Prentending to to a woman. I hope my therapist will help me sort this out. Do the right thing while you still can and either tell you parents and see a therapist. Please dont get to the point I am at by waiting.

You're not alone.  It took me a very long time to realize who I am, after a childhood of pretending to be a boy, using men's rooms, etc, but finally stuffing all of that and hiding it when my family moved and found religion when I was 10.  Spent the teen years in agony and with anorexia trying to stop my body from developing curves, then spent the better part of several decades doing my best to live as a woman and trying (and failing) to fit in, never comfortable with myself.

You are not alone.  I'm repeating myself.

Find a good gender therapist.  They are invaluable.

I am a heterosexual male who pretended to be a heterosexual female my whole life.  As therapy goes on I believe I was attracted to men because they were who I wanted to be and had the equipment I so sorely wanted but couldn't have. 

Finally allowing myself to be true to myself, coming out (very scary and hard!! for a private person like me!), and transitioning (over 2.5 months on T, name changed, etc), life has become far more enjoyable and far easier.

Hang out here.  We're a supportive bunch.

Jay

Hey bro!!! Welcome to Susan's

Believe it or not, some of the people here on the forums have told me (when I was still in MAJOR denial) that it's normal to have doubts now and then, and sometimes it doesn't go away. (Hope I didn't remember that incorrectly/misquote anyone). This is a serious new step in our lives! Of course there will be doubts! But I don't doubt you for a minute man, you're every bit male no matter how your biology came out.

Gradually I'm starting to see these changes in myself, my resentment for my hair, STRONG desire to grow a beard that I can't grow, get rid of the voice I hate so much (I HATE when people think I'm my sister when I answer the phone), oh and eventually the freakbags began making me queasy too. I can remember a time I used to run past the mirror after a shower, (say, age 14 and UP) and I didn't understand why. I can remember things from childhood too. I LOVED being a boy in all our make believe games.

SORRY GUYS, MOULIN ROUGE SPOILER BELOW

You know what though? In the end you gotta do what's right for you, cause it only gets worse now that you know. I see this as being a terminally ill patient (like Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge). She had tuberculosis and she was okay for the most part, coughed up blood here and there but just figured she was having fainting spells...until someone finally told her she had TB, and it just killed her that much faster because she KNEW. It becomes all you think about, worrying when you will die, until finally you've just killed yourself that much faster.

Well now you know your trans, and it will only get worse from here. FSM forbid this should happen to you, but I've met a transman who mutilated his chest because his dysphoria was so bad.

Like Jay said, from here you get help. Get a gender therapist, hell even make appointments with your MOM if she's that willing. My mom has begun seeing my GID therapist, and likes her so much that she will continue to try and understand me and what I'm going through through my therapist, as well as get her own problems solved.

From there, things can only get better for you.

Hang in there bro, and stick around. Hope to hear from you soon

Thanks everyone for the support.  Coming out, in anonymity, helps a lot

It's hard though, I still can't accept who I am, that or if I am trans.. I guess I just have a hard time facing the reality, because all my life I've been so withdrawn and isolated from the "real world". Sometimes i just want to believe I'm female inside, but then the feelings remind me.. Tho it's strange, I've never been called a guy before, sounds a lot better than bein called a girl tho hehe.. and lately, im starting to notice the female pronouns.. and it just kind of gets me down.. I dunno why, it hasn't bothered me in the past...

Well anyways, I admire all of you for accepting and being yourselves, because I just cant do that myself yet..