I am so afraid to come out to my family because of the way my brothers feel about TS, and not sure of my sister. My parents divorced when I was very young, my father contuined to live in the same house until we moved to where I live now. Neither my mother or father would tell us why they split up, even to this day. I suspect my father might have been TS because he have let his finger nails grow. Well he moved out one day and the only contact we had with him is a P.O. Box.
My therapist said I should contact him and tell him I am TS and ask if he is too. My mother was so hurt when they split and if that was the reason then I cant put her though that again, although I thinks she knows about me and might have told my sister who in turn told my brother in law. He made a comment this past summer while we were sitting around the pool. He asked why my legs were so hairless and smooth looking and if the small cuts on my legs were from nicking my self. I told him the cuts are from work which they are and didnt answer him about his other question.
I need so bad to come out because I cant dress at home because my 81 yr old mother lives with me. but when I do dress it kind of makes me feel worse because it doesnt make me female. I konw if I come out to my family I will lose them and even though we might not be a close knit family ( Only holidays and Moms birthday) I dont want to lose them, they are all I have since I pushed my self away from my friends. My therapist adked me about SRS or HRT. I told her SRS is out of my price range and was afraid of losing my job. and if I could afford it Chances are I would not be too concern about my job. HRT is out because it is like this... if you have rust on your car and you paint over it your are just covering up the problem, the rust is still there and will contuine to eat its way though. I dont know what my question is I just need to vent.

Hi Shychristine, welcome to Susan's. I believe you will find many here with a similar story as you have told here, including myself. Different circumstances but similar story. First of it appears to me that you have built a circular wall around yourself then closed and locked the door and threw the key on the other side of the wall. There are always alternatives and answers to any given problem no mater how insurmountable they may appear to be. You say that dressing only made you feel like a fake and taking HRT wouldn't amount to much of a different result.

Well since you have built that wall around yourself and closed and locked the door and threw away the key then I would suggest you begin to dismantle the wall one brick at a time, you have already pulled out brick number one by consulting a therapist. Rome wasn't built in one day.

There are many other wise and caring folks here that will be more then willing to help you find the right path to your future journey.

May God Bless.

Cindy

You are right, I have built walls around myself. And I am trying to tear it down. I am seeing a therapist and only had one vist so far. It will take a while to tear this wall down. I am just so scared to come out to my family. I have come out to any yet and after years I have given up my friends and a very good Military Pension for when I turn retiremanet age later in life. I was one year away from being able to collect a pension later in life. I am afraid that I have given up so much, I dont want to lose my family, they are all I have. If I come out am I going to have to keep giving up everything important in my life? This is what I hope my therapist can help me with.

There is no need to tell anyone about anything at this moment, it's to soon to think about undertaking that step yet. I believe that your need to come out to yourself first, allow to feel who the inner self is, picture her in your mind and talk to her then just work things out with you therapist one step at a time. As for loosing everything, to be honest, it is a possibilety. I can only speak for myself but I had to hit my bottom before I could again begin to see the light and discovered that there was only one way to go from the bottom and that is up.

Slow tedious but I made it back up much leaner and much fewer material things but i had my dignity and my little bag of hopes and dreams. I rebuilt my life until I decided that once again there was only one way to go to beat this GID, and that was to keep moving forward as the proud and happy person I am today. Retired from a job I have truly enjoyed for the past twenty years. I got married and move across the continent to live in wonderful and beautiful city on the west coast. I have been living as Cindy for the last 9 years and I am back working again after two years of to much idle time on my hands. I now enjoying life as Cindy with my beloved.

Cindy
 

But I am tired of living a lie, I feel I need to come out. My 81 yr old mother lives with me because she is not in the best of health. I have 4 brothers who have made it known as we were growing up how they feel on the subject and one sister the oldest who I am not sure where she stands.
I suspect my mother knows about me, since I always keep my legs shaved and around the house I wear girl shorts well above the knee type and pantyhose ( the pantyhose makes my legs look better since I have a few scars form work and I thhink I have chicken legs) any way I always notice her staring and I think she told my sister because when her and my brother in law came to vist this past summer we were sitting around the pool and he asked why my legs are smooth looking and hair less. And why do I have cuts on my legs are they nicks from shaving?
I was caught so off guard I just said it is a result from work ( I work in a foundry and get burned a lot).
Any how I started with a therapist this week and feeling like since I have no friends and dont go out I needed to tell her I was seeing a therapist, but I told her it was because I am very stressed and needed to talk to some one.
I thought I was going have to call 911 because she went pale as a ghost. She asked what was stressing me and told her a lot of things but didnt want her to worry. She has been very quite since. I dont want to hurt her because she is my best and only friend. She is very much Irish Catolic and holds true her beliefs. I dont think she would believe me that I am still a virgin and that I can not be with a woman though I tried because it like bing the same sex. I am not gay and I believe in gay rights because I dont like to judge, I believe in the golden rule " Do on to others as you want done on to you"
My family would disown me and I couldnt do this on my own. Since I pushed my friends away, I know There is a lot of support here, but I need some one in person to be here when I need some one to lean on. I couldnt do it on my own.

ShyChristine, I am so sorry to hear about your problem, and if you ever need to speak to one of us we are all ways here. I know how it feels to be alone, to feel like you have no one that you can talk to, but girl you must understand that you are never alone. It is difficult to tell people about your situation. I had to come out to my wife, parents and brothers to, and yes its one of the hardest things I ever did. On the same hand it has been one of the most rewarding, I now know that I have all of the full support to help me on my way.

Dont get me wrong, as said befor it can as easily go the other way. I find that some times its all about how you try and explain yourself that makes the difference.

I started by confiding in my partner and some close friends at work, now most of the people that I know understand how I feel about myself, the fact that I am transgendered is not a problem for them.Mind you I dont go out dressed either, I would look a little daft, I dont pass and wouldnt pass (ever). In my oppinion.

If you want to talk throu PM I would be more than willing to discuss further...

I guess what I am saying is, there is allways support for us all, you find it in the most unusall places and a lot of the time a lot closer to home...

May be you should talk to your dad, send him a letter, discuss the devorce, how he feels about certain aspects of life. I wouldn't go spill the beens strait away but it is a concideration.

If you are not seeing a gender specialist then it may be a good option to try seek one out, other wise keep seeing the theropist you are. If they are understanding and prepared to listen then thats a good sign.

I wish you the best of luck and hope to speak again in the near futor

Luv LUCY

Thank you Lucy. But I have written and e-mail my father several times and have not heard from him. I havent seen him in years. It is good to know that there is support here and a sholder to cry on. But it would be nice if there was some one here to support me. I cant tell anyone at work without fearing for my well being. I would like to PM.
My therapist is a gender Therapist. I tried to tell my mother the other day, now she is 81 and not in good health. I told her I was seeing a therapist. She went pale as a ghost and I was afraid to tell her for GID. Instead I told her it was for stress. I dont think she believed me she started to ask me what was stressing me out. I couldnt go on, I didnt want her to get upset but I feel that was a small step forward. If she wasnt here I would come out regardless of what my brothers and sister thinks, I would try to go on my own with no support. But I think you can not convince any one what TG is everyone this that means you are gay which I am not and I dont like being labeled.