theres this girl that i know that i really like.  a lot.  and she doesnt know im trans.  she thinks im just a regular guy.

i did however tell her that i was born with a birth defect that caused my body to not produce testosterone.... its not exactly a lie.... but grr.  idk.

im just not sure if/when/how/what to tell her.

This is what sucks bout being us. Yes it is lying and I have had this conversation with my mom, I live in an area where I can't poise as a guy so I have never had that experience. But I have had to tell people I have been in relationships with and one's who I wanted to be in relationships with but they were straight. My mom always says if you ever do transition you need to tell the person, if they walk away then there is better out there, but if they stay they are worth it.

How serious are you and her?

good friends.  she knows i like her, but has weird views on actual dating.

Whenever this topic comes up I wonder "If you have the right to lie to her about X, does that give her the right to lie to you about Y?"  And who knows what her "y" is?

Weird views? Hmm. . . well maybe just sit tight and play it out. Think of all the pros and cons of telling her vs. not. What is the worst possible thing that could happen. . .I have found being transgender has given me ONE and I do mean ONE positive thing: I can read people like a book the first time I meet them. I attribute it to needing to protect myself and keep good people around me. If you are good at it too then you know whether or not you can trust her. .interested in dating you or not.

Brady

QuoteWhenever this topic comes up I wonder "If you have the right to lie to her about X, does that give her the right to lie to you about Y?"  And who knows what her "y" is?

thanks to living in america, we both have the right to lie.

i don't see any reason to tell her unless it was actually gonna become a relationship.

or if you did "stuff".

Quote from: Jasonk16 on October 24, 2008, 12:50:48 AM
i don't see any reason to tell her unless it was actually gonna become a relationship.

or if you did "stuff".

haha well the way i am, the dating would come before the "stuff"

Quote from: tekla on October 24, 2008, 12:46:05 AM
Whenever this topic comes up I wonder "If you have the right to lie to her about X, does that give her the right to lie to you about Y?"  And who knows what her "y" is?

I wish life was like algebra, cause I understand it and love it. People aren't equations. . .its complicated and lets be honest. . .transgender to society is not a small secret. To the uneducated and unexposed. . .it can freak them out. But I do wish things were the opposite way tekia. .

Unless you really feel like it might move forward, I'd personally, hold out on telling her. I've went through this a million and one times, and have regretted opening myself up like that on more than one occasion. Feel the situation out a little more before you drop any "truths" on her. If she starts to reciprocate the feelings, then most definitely tell her, until then, I'd wait..

Darius - I can't agree with you more about reading people. I can read just about anyone, like an open book, within the first couple minutes of just talking to them. I've called stuff on people from the get go, and had other people say "no they seem nice, bla bla" a month or two later, I can't even count how many times I've heard "you were right..", it's a knack I think a lot of us have grown accustomed to. It's always been a defense mechanism for me.

pros:
weight off of my chest

cons:
she may hate me
she might not be my friend any more
she might not want a relationship with me
might tell people that im a "lesbian"
might tell people that im "really a girl"

Quote from: Jasonk16 on October 24, 2008, 12:50:48 AM
i don't see any reason to tell her unless it was actually gonna become a relationship.

or if you did "stuff".

I Second that. This is need-to-know info. Unless she's into you, she doesn't need-to-know. It's first/second date material to me, maybe second just to be safe because you don't want to THINK you're on a date and be the only one thinking that. (Awkward).

So if she ever makes it to the dating scene, I don't know what her views are that you mentioned, then maybe tell her on the second date.

How old are you? That plays a lot into telling her.

ill be 18 in november

Oh your in High School then. .People don't know at your school your female? Well where im from I would tell you hell no don't tell anyone unless you trust them more than your mom. But in college I think after you have gotten to know her and vice versa it could be ok.

PS-I feel old. . .haha

a lot of the upperclassmen know about me from knowing me from before, but a lot of the underclassmen dont.  and thats what she is.  im not really trying to hide it from her, she just hasnt heard it from anyone.

This is what i say. . .Continue but take it VERY slow. One because if she doesn't reciprocate those feelings, and trust me that is the worst, you won't let yourself down. Get to know each other. . there is nothing wrong with that and let what happens. . happen
The point is that your worried about not telling her so you care. .that is a good start. Keep your head up. . High school is tuff but you learn a lot about yourself.

It ain't no Algebra, it's the basic foundation of interpersonal relationships.  If you begin it by lying, how can you ever expect the truth in return?  And in 50 some trips around the sun, I've never seen a relationship built on lies that is anything more than castles made of sand, and the first wave that comes along, just washes them away.

But maybe it is Algebra, both sides always equal out.  You get what you give. 

Quote from: trapthavok on October 24, 2008, 12:58:47 AM

Quote from: Jasonk16 on October 24, 2008, 12:50:48 AM
i don't see any reason to tell her unless it was actually gonna become a relationship.

or if you did "stuff".

I Second that. This is need-to-know info. Unless she's into you, she doesn't need-to-know. It's first/second date material to me

So if she ever makes it to the dating scene, I don't know what her views are that you mentioned, then maybe tell her on the second date.

Exactly the best advice I could give you.  I would just wait until you find out if she is actually intrested in you like that. How well do you know her then?

I also agree with Trap.

I personally don't think it is lying. Does that mean when you get on hormones and have surgery you are still lying? Does that mean you are female?

I don't think so. I don't think that not telling someone that you are transgender is a direct lie or even one at all. What business is it outside of a relationship? Why would it matter outside of it? If she is interested in you and wants to take things further, then yes, maybe you should say something but right now you are not causing harm.

You are transitioning, yes? You are male, even though your physical may not match, that is not a lie. Having a birth defect that relates to lack of testosterone is not a lie, it is true.

If I were you, I'd try to find out what she thinks of those who are transgender. But if you are friends and she shows interest in dating you, I'd tell her before you actually start. If she is a good friend, she should be understanding. I know all my friends seemed to be very understanding about it... I guess the thing is, you know her better than we do. Ask yourself, how would she react and what kind of person is she when information like that is leaked?