I want to come out so bad to my family, mainly because it bothers me to keep it in and because I think my mother suspects and might have told my sister who might have told my brother in law. I have kept my body hair less except my under arms. My sister and brother in law have been coming to vist my mother and me ( My mother lives with me, she is 81 and poor health) for years. This past summer they came to vist and we were sitting by the pool and my brother in law, out of the blue.. asked me why I dont have hair on my legs and they look smooth. And why I have small cuts on my legs? These cuts are a result of my job. I work in a foundry and I get burned at times.
I am seeing a Therapist, I had my first vist this week. I have been thinking that I want to trainsion but feel I cant. It is way out of my price range and I would have to give up my job. I spent 19 years in the Air Force and gave it up because I couldnt hide how I felt and was afraid of being found out, I gave up a very good pension that I would have received much later in life, should I give up another pension? I worry about finding another job. I feel like I should have been born a girl and I am living a lie. HRT is not an option because as long as I have my male organ I feel like I would still be living a lie. If I ever would get SRS it would not be for sex, because I am not gay and cant have a encounter with a woman because feeling like a woman I feel that would wrong. SRS would make me who I am. Yes I am still a virgin. I feel I have no options of SRS or HRT. Should I not tell my family if I cant do either of these?

Hi Christine:

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist because you seem a bit jumbled up.
You don't have to be that rigid, find the best solution possible.
Many have to put up short-term, long-term or even permanently being without SRS,
they don't feel it to be a lie, simply the best that they can do at that time.

And while you're at it, shave those underarms!

Hi Renate, by not getting SRS means I have to continue to live a lie to others and myself and I cant do that anymore. A far as shaving my underarms that I cant do, I work in a foundry and being it is a very dirty job OSHA requires us to shower before we go home. and being they only have open bay showers where everyone showers toghter that would freak people out.

Ugh! I wouldn't want to shower with men even long before I came out.
Aren't there any private showers? Don't any women work there?

Some people do transition on a shoestring, some even without hormones.
It's a question of priorities and what people find works for them.

hi! christine. just remember you're not alone. i'm right where you are, sister. i have all the same fellings, wants, desires and NEEDS! you're doing the right thing, seeing a therapist. just make sure you find the right one. one that understands the wall we are against. i've been going about a year and a half and it has helped a hole lot. i still have all the same problems but now i can put on my prettiest dress, get all fixed up and look in the mirrow and see something i never thought i would see and that is me being me the best way i can and that's GREAT! now i think i look pretty. not sick. i don't know about the future but it looks a lot brighter now that i have some one to tell all my deep dark insides. i used to say as you do, i could never....... well i don't say that any more. now i think of what may be some day and i hope some day i'll think of what's going to be soon. how knows. lots of luck, hugs and kisses. donna

Hi Christine,
I think many of us have faced the same problem. When I came out to my family - I was caught ;fully dressed, make up etc with my wife- who of course had known Cindy for 25 years- I in fact didn't freak.. My sisters-in-law arrived unannounced, used their keys to enter, and hey Joe I was there. They didn't bat an eye lid. "We've known for years" . My wife is  (my soulmate)now totally paralyised, my sil's come around all the time and accept Cindy totally. You may be quite astonished how family react, I've had NO negative responses.
Love and take care
CindyJames