I'm certain I wasn't the only one to feel regret for once being male (and not a successful one at that). Before I decided to start the process of transitioning from male to female I was very depressed and suicidal. Big surprise, right?

I have been on hormones for a little over a month and since then my mood has improved dramatically but every once in a while I get a little down on myself and focus way too much on the heavy ball of regret I keep stored in my stomach. The best medicine for me is to think about the moments when being a young male was fun and how lucky I was to have experienced that side of the gender spectrum. Sometimes, I am even proud of my male genetic heritage.

I would have preferred to start the transition sooner but at least I developed a strong, healthy body. So what if I am tall and have broad shoulders. I can think of situations where that would not be so bad as a girl.

How many other girls have had the chance to observe and experience life as a guy? Who else can pee in the woods standing up while wearing a skirt? I will never have to wear a tampon or get a period, yaay!

So the next time you're feeling like you will never pass because of "insert male attribute", just think that one day, that very asset could be your best female trait. 

Beeing confident and positive is ofcourse very good thing. And if you feel
like you are ok with how your life went, that is a very good thing...
no regrets...
Personaly, i was never a male, yes it was my assigned sex, and i did try to play
the role for a few years, but never succeded... I knew at 15 that transiton is
the only thing i truly need in life i.e. the only thing i couldn't do without, so
only dilemma was when to start but not because i didn't want it straight away but
because it seemed to virtually impossible in my country.

I wish I had transitioned younger but, waiting allowed me to be very certain of my decision and get all of my other affairs in order before meeting transition head on.

Hi again, Kristen, small world in this here cyber space, eh?  I believe you did the wise thing, planning ahead, that is the basis of an organized transitioning. That is,  if you were fortunate enough to have the knowledge of what transsexualism, GID, and transitioning are before starting your journey.  Transitioning to be who you know to be the inner-self, the spark that keeps you alive inside. If only I would have had the luxury of having that knowledge some time before hand at my disposal, it may have been a much more smoother road for me into transition.

As it was I didn't not know what was wrong with me, why was I so possessed by wanting to be a girl, to the point of actually suffering inside like a tormented creature unable to find its way out of the trap it was caught in. So naive was I of any concept of GID that I thought myself to be possessed by some sort of female demon.

Then one day 12 years ago I was awakened, and the light of enlightenment shone upon me as I made a great discovery and was assured I was not possessed by demons and that what I was inflicted with was called GID, and that by all indications that I was most likely what was called transsexual. Those two words were to me like being given freedom from an eternal incarceration into the deepest and darkest dungeons of desperation.

Once I started onto my first tentative steps of the transitioning journey I learned so much about my new self, like being born again into a new world that glittered and sparkled with new hope. I became a new person, one that knew what love was, how to show compassion, and how to feel, and above all how to trust another human spirit once again.

There are psychological changes where you will perceive and see the world around you differently through another's eyes.  Then there are also all those subtle but perceptible physical changes and attributes your body undergoes. It's a trip, a beautiful trip, one in a life time. Don't fight it, just let go and go with the flow.

Well since I was in a writing mood for expressing emotion and feelings, I let myself go to the very depths of my own being to express those feelings. This, to me, was what transitioning meant. Maybe I was blessed but I certainly believe that I may have been more than well compensated during transition to make up for all the horrible years of my previous life. Don't get me wrong, I too can reach back and bring forth some memories of happier times as a male from my younger past, but then if I really think about it, it may very well have been Cindy living those experiences. Nothing lost but everything gained.

Cindy       

Hi Kirsten,

When you dig around the threads here, you will find a number of us grew up in an environment where we never realised that being TS was an option. (with some notable exceptions... do watch out for Northern Jane's posts if you want inspiration here) If you take away the ultimate solution, then it is human nature to deal with life in any way you can....

.... So a lot of us have packed our lives with alternative demanding goals and distractions so that we didn't spend too much time thinking about the feelings and needs we couldn't understand. The real problem is, that you can only keep up the 24/7 lifestyle for so long, and now we have become older we find more time to reflect, and run into the "mid- life crisis".

...OK... times have changed and now we realise that our gender dysphoria was what was driving us, but now we have gathered the emotional and social baggage of 50 or so years of life.

So, back to your question ...I think this condition can lead to some amazing creativity from those who suffer from it, but ultimately there is a price. I hope that as I wade through the exceptional things I have done, that I can balance them against the torment and lack of fulfilment I have felt over the years. However, I sort of take comfort in the observation that so many of the successful icons we aspire to in life, politics, business, etc... also seem to have a price to pay, one way or another...

No.. the lucky ones here are those of us who are able to live an "ordinary" life with love and happiness, and who feel comfortable in who they are, and where they are going.



Chrissty

hi laura, i guess over analyzing the regret is just a big waste of time.  but as chrissty says, there are always positives to be drawn from negative experiences.

early in my transition in another group i belong to, a question was posed:  "if a pill were created that would bring your mind into congruence with your body, would you take it?"

i really had to think about that alot.  in the end i found that i would put on some gloves, pick up that pill as if it were contaminated with typhoid and haul it to the nearest toxic waste dump.  taking that pill would kill who i was, undo my whole life and render each painful lesson i've learned moot.  none of us will get through this life without experiencing our fair share of pain and grief...without that yin we can never fully be aware of the joyful yang.

How many times have I thought that very thought about, "What if I were to kill the inner self ?" Would I essentially be killing another person that had been so much a part of me for all of my life? Of course, killing her would mean killing my own shell or self as well. One can not kill the inner-self without killing themselves.

If you could kill the inner-self without killing the shell or the exterior self, could you do it? To me, after all those years the inner-self had become like a third person, a friend, a companion who at times illuminated the path ahead of me. I could not kill her without killing myself. I was caught between a rock and a hard place and as I saw it there was no alternative or other way out except to drive my car into a rock cut that night. *So such it was that I thought and felt at the time*.

This was where it had come down to that night. I found myself driving down a darkened highway with very few other cars about, I was actually looking for a suitable rock cut to drive my car into and end it all. It was like a voice spoke in my mind, the voice of the inner self that spoke to me. It asked me if I truly wanted to do what I was about to do. I spoke back with some anger and irritation in my voice, "What other alternative is there?" The voice responded softly, "I will leave you with this thought: who is it that truly wishes to die here on this night?"  The resulting choice? Well, I am still here.

Cindy

After I hit puberty and grew taller and more athletic than most I invented this male persona to cope. By the midle of high school I had put together this really cool popular guy. This is after being chased home from school almost every day in elementary school for being a sissy.

After school I formed a very enviable life in the music distribution business as a well placed executive. But even that didn't really float my boat. It was just a masquerade.

The funny thing is, I did all this with input from my girl friends on how they manipulated boys to get what they wanted!

So it was girl power all along!

Do I regret being male? Yes, every day of my life I have regreted being male. The anxiety, depression and torment was never a positive thing.

Will I let that color my future anymore? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I will embrace my femininity with a vengence and love every day.

That was a very heart felt narration of your thoughts and feelings CC. some of which I am familiar enough with to understand the rest of your thought and feelings. Wing Walker and I are always round here most times if you wish to share. 

Cindy

Quote from: Chrissty on October 26, 2008, 06:26:47 AM... do watch out for Northern Jane's posts .....

I don't know if that was a compliment or something else??!! 

On the topic of "being male", I never did accept it - I fought it tooth and nail. Of course I was never any good at it - laughable in fact. I could never fool anybody, not for more than a couple of minutes, so everybody knew I was "strange", so I FOUGHT it in every way I could, mostly by trying to get other people (and doctors) to recognize that apparent sex is NOT the same as gender. I was always "pushing the limit", pushing as hard as I could without being committed to a padded cell and a lobotomy! After fighting for 10 years, I escaped.

The good things to come out of it was educating doctors, changing perceptions, leaving the door open for others, and developing some great life skills for the rest of my life, things like understanding, strength, compassion, and open-mindedness.

(Did I do ok Chrissty?  )

Quote from: Northern Jane on October 26, 2008, 06:37:25 PM

On the topic of "being male", I never did accept it - I fought it tooth and nail.

Interesting, I have fought being female for so long I am growing weary of the battle.

Alice

Quote from: Alice on October 26, 2008, 06:51:51 PM

Quote from: Northern Jane on October 26, 2008, 06:37:25 PM

On the topic of "being male", I never did accept it - I fought it tooth and nail.

Interesting, I have fought being female for so long I am growing weary of the battle.

Alice

Dear Alice,

I too fought being female for over 55 years. In my life I have quit cold turkey pot, speed, hallucinogenics, coke and alcohol. I have spent thousands of dollars on therapy over the past 21 years. I have been prescribed the latest in meds for my condition. Therefore, I view myself as a very strong person and that I have tried everything possible to rid me of this condition.

But I have finally accepted that I am a female in a male body because the other alternative, death, is worse. That is because I have two young children, a fantastic wife and an enviable life.

So I have finally accepted my fate and my life immediately has turned for the better. Yes, there are very hard and stressful times to come. But my being and sole is finally mending the life of conflict.

I wish you the best honey, because only you can determine what is best for you.

Quote from: CC on October 26, 2008, 07:14:21 PM

Dear Alice,

I too fought being female for over 55 years. In my life I have quit cold turkey pot, speed, hallucinogenics, coke and alcohol. I have spent thousands of dollars on therapy over the past 21 years. I have been prescribed the latest in meds for my condition. Therefore, I view myself as a very strong person and that I have tried everything possible to rid me of this condition.

But I have finally accepted that I am a female in a male body because the other alternative, death, is worse. That is because I have two young children, a fantastic wife and an enviable life.

So I have finally accepted my fate and my life immediately has turned for the better. Yes, there are very hard and stressful times to come. But my being and sole is finally mending the life of conflict.

I wish you the best honey, because only you can determine what is best for you.

Thanks CC

I can not help but wonder if I have up the fight to quickly. but I had to change my course because of where I was heading. Maybe I will look back in a few years and relise where the right paths was for my all along. But for now I need to relax and refresh and that does mean taking a break from HRT.

Alice

Quote from: Northern Jane on October 26, 2008, 06:37:25 PM

Quote from: Chrissty on October 26, 2008, 06:26:47 AM... do watch out for Northern Jane's posts .....

I don't know if that was a compliment or something else??!!  ...

(Did I do ok Chrissty?  )

Of course you did hon!

...and it was a compliment!

Quote from: Alice on October 26, 2008, 06:51:51 PM
Interesting, I have fought being female for so long I am growing weary of the battle.

Alice

Hi Alice,

I too grow weary at times..

I remember an analogy in a previous topic that was excellent, and worth repeating here...

Being transgendered is like holding an inflatable ball underwater, the more you want to suppress it by holding it deeper, the more it wants to pop up. I'm just coming to terms with how to not worry about letting it come to the surface more often, so that my "arms" get a rest....and then not trying to push it back so far under, that it hurts...

Take care



Chrissty

Quote from: Alice on October 26, 2008, 07:41:29 PM

Quote from: CC on October 26, 2008, 07:14:21 PM

Thanks CC

I can not help but wonder if I have up the fight to quickly. but I had to change my course because of where I was heading. Maybe I will look back in a few years and relise where the right paths was for my all along. But for now I need to relax and refresh and that does mean taking a break from HRT.

Alice

Sweet Alice,

Just do what your intuition and heart tell you to do at this time. It is always best to take a break and reflect when ambivalence is present. Then I believe your path will become clear again and you can do what is best for you without outside input.

Best wishes to you.

The way I try looking at it is I wouldn't have such a close friend-only bond with some of my male friends if I was natal female (because as has happened with all their past female friends, they hit on them and after the dating and break up lost friendship with them) and my parents probably wouldn't have introduced me to video games at a young age (which is what I am currently studying to design in college).

Also, if I was natal female I probably wouldn't have sought refuge (from all the bullying about me being androgynous) in my high school computer lab. All those extra hours I clocked in there creating art with photoshop and 3d programs and building websites in Flash is what gave me the skills to win the scholarship that allows me to goto the very expensive and prestigious school I now study at.

Quote from: Gracie FAISE on October 27, 2008, 11:12:25 PM
The way I try looking at it is I wouldn't have such a close friend-only bond with some of my male friends if I was natal female (because as has happened with all their past female friends, they hit on them and after the dating and break up lost friendship with them) and my parents probably wouldn't have introduced me to video games at a young age (which is what I am currently studying to design in college).

Also, if I was natal female I probably wouldn't have sought refuge (from all the bullying about me being androgynous) in my high school computer lab. All those extra hours I clocked in there creating art with photoshop and 3d programs and building websites in Flash is what gave me the skills to win the scholarship that allows me to goto the very expensive and prestigious school I now study at.

wow you go girl!

I wish I had transitioned when I was a teen.... but I also know I couldn't have handled it. I also almost transitioned in the 90's... but again did not (for religious reasons then) and now that I look back on it, I know I wasn't strong enough to survive the process, it would have ruined me.

So yes, I can regret that I didn't do this earlier and now a lot of things have to be lost or stripped away; at the same time, I couldn't have done it earlier. I wasn't ready.

And I look at who I am because I was married to my wife (she made me a better person); and I look at my beautiful children who would not exist if I hadn't been a male for so long (they've taught me so much but are so awesome in their own rights); and just all that I've experienced and learned.

It's hard to know what might have been if I had changed earlier. Maybe some good stuff. Maybe even better stuff. I can't know that. I only know who I am now and that there are things I value that would have been lost if I'd started earlier.

That's about all I can say about it.

hi jenny.  i hear you clearly.  what if.........
sometimes i want to cry because i fantasize about all the perfect parts of the what if......  fantasy.

i don't know what if....i do know that i did it when it was right and it has worked out now.  just don't know what if.....

i guess on the one hand, in fantasy, i regret every minute i wasn't pulling a northern jane....screaming my head off, beating my head against walls, threatening suicide....just going crazy until i got what i wanted.

then i look back on my life and.....it's that that makes me this...<sigh>i guess, to me it's regret or regal....however the stars are lined up at the time.

Quote from: pennyjane on November 09, 2008, 05:42:50 PM
i guess on the one hand, in fantasy, i regret every minute i wasn't pulling a northern jane....screaming my head off, beating my head against walls, threatening suicide....just going crazy until i got what i wanted.

It's not just you, hon. Despite everything I said, yes, sometimes I wish I'd just lost it. Being too stable and so self-controlled allowed me to get stuck in a mire for two decades, unfortunately. People didn't realize how poorly I had been doing for so long, because I hid it SO well. Sigh.

Fantasy. Having people figure it out. Having someone say it was okay to move ahead. A good fantasy I could savor... but it was just a fantasy. Sigh.

Quotethen i look back on my life and.....it's that that makes me this...<sigh>i guess, to me it's regret or regal....however the stars are lined up at the time.

*hug*