I can't deal with my situation.  Marco is my entire support system and I don't know where to go when I'm upset with him.  My kids have officially disowned me.  I just don't feel like there is anyone to speak up in my defense.  Marco has enough to deal with in his own life, I can't expect him to fight my battles for me.  I just get so self destructive.  Last week when I was having a hard time, I was making myself throw up.  This week, my new thing is cutting myself.  I just feel like I want to hurt myself.  I'm in intensive therapy and they're doing everything they can to keep me alive, but I am just worried that I won't make it out of this whole thing alive.  Believe it or not, I'm on two different anti-depressants.  I just want to feel like someone gives a ->-bleeped-<- about me.  Help me please.

Oh please don't hurt yourself.  I would hate to see a person such as yourself leave this world.  It saddens my heart to hear that you are going through that.   I am glad that you felt you could share with us.  I know that spouses go through a harder time than the TS person, which is why many marriages don't last.  I know everyone on here wants to see that you stay alive.  You're a beautiful woman Pam.  Please stop cutting yourself.  You do not deserve it.  How could anybody as wonderful as you deserve that?  Please keep yourself safe for both Marco and us.

Melissa

Hi Pam... awl hon, I wish I could take your hands and pull you close, hold you tight, give you the safety to just CRY...

I know you don't know me, but I've been following your posts... and I'm SO sorry for all the pain.

Please, PLEASE don't do anything too irreversible. I know, I get it, I know the urge, but... don't - I'm asking. We're all asking. Don't. Please.

You have a tender heart. I know it hurts. But it's also why you're so beautiful. A helluva trade-off, I know, but damn... not many people like you do. They close off instead. Become cold to the world.

I don't want us to lose anyone else. Please...

Hay hay HAY NOW! NO fair hurting yourself, life does that to us quite well enough on it's own! NO help is needed, so STOP THAT! ^*HUG*



Please be careful with the anti-depressants, as I understand it some of them do not play well with each other; Best to make sure the prescribing doctors know of all the medications and such like, just in case and all.


WE DO CARE PAM! SERIOUSLY! We really really do care!

Melissa, Kate and Kimberly,
     Thank you so much for your kind words.  Marco held me and let me sob on him for a while.  It is such a blessing to have people here to listen and lend words of encouragement.  I know that I handled this hurdle incorrectly.  I'm supposed to be using the positive coping skills that I have learned in counseling...instead, I'm being self destructive.  Here Marco had his first shot today and we went to dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe to celebrate (no drinking was involved...most of our celebrating is sober...besides, anti depressants and alcohol DONT mix), and I go and have an "episode".  I'm sure that it does not help that I am having a horrific "my time of the month" right now too.
    Well, it is getting late and Marco and I are getting sleepy (I wonder when the side effects of the T kick in...that could be a source of cheering up).
     I just wanted to say how much Marco and I appreciate this site and all the wonderful, supportive people that are here for us day after day...What would we do without you....THANK YOU!!!!!

Pam

As far as the side effects of T, Pam, be prepared to wake up tomorrow morning to indoor activities.

And we all care about you Pam. You have men and women who are willing to give a nonjudgmental (albeit long distance) hug. I know how it feels when it feels so bad that you have to cut yourself to transfer the pain or make it more tangible or something. It's a sign that you need an outlet hon. And Marco might not be the best outlet for you because he's going through his own stuff. Plus, as you said, when you're pissed at him that leaves you without an outlet. Is your therapist still around? Or is there a friend outside your family you can call on?

I know we're not the same as that, but at least we at Susan's are there for you.

/hugs

Dennis

Dennis,
        Marco's T must not be working that quickly.  When we woke up this morning, and a couple times yesterday after the injection, I would ask him if he's feeling any effects yet.  The only thing so far is that his voice is crackly.  He already has a low voice from being on T before, but it might get a little lower.  So far, no other effects...

        I can't thank you enough for your support and advice that you have given me through my posts.  I do have friends outside my family, but they are people that are also friends with the ex.  Right now, if people are entertaining what my ex says, I find myself not even wanting to talk to them.  It's very hard for me to trust those people...I have found myself betrayed by them, so I don't feel that they could really be a good sounding board for me.  Besides, they are not seeing my ex for what he really is...he's a really good salesman and has these people convinced that he is such a wonderful guy and the poor little victim in all this.  Nobody is aware of the underhanded lengths he is going to to attempt to ruin me.  I do have one friend at my work that was never my ex's friend...she is a resource I can trust.  Well, here I am rambling again!

I just wanted to tell you thanks for being there and for the hug!
Pam

WOW...This time words escape me....I truly feel your pain.
I know how it gets so stressed and full of pain that the only way one can find a break or release is by  "letting it out" by inflicting more pain on yourself. Wether it be from cutting yourself to stabbing yourself to make yourself throw - up. It seems that by doing those things and inflicting more pain it makes you forget for a moment about the real pain that weighs on your concouse damn girl if ayone knows that pain I can certainly testify that I DO on all those levels. At christmas 2005 after experiencing so much levels of hatred, pain, and years of sexual and physical abuse by both strangers and so called family I came to an endpass with testing Positve for HIV through no fault of my owns even though I took every possible safe sex precaution i still ended up having my GREATEST FEAR come to reality.i to felt alone and as if no one including GOD cared about me. I seriously considered suicide. I cannot begin to tell you the unimaginable things I thought of doing to myself. the only thing that stop me was thinking of that eternal sleep never waking up and I am already constantly haunted by nightmares so I cannot imagine what an eternity in one of my nightmares maybe like. Probably HELL

I still have no idea what bought me to the point of where I am today Maybe it was actually having my greatest fear become reality maybe it was devine intervention. But I realized by inflicting more pain on oneself is only to complicate the things that need to be taken head on or the real issues at hand I am sorry I have no simply answer to the problems in which you or any of us face other than to say no matter how bad the situation may seem it could truly be worse. during your darkest moments one can and should only concentrate on the good asspects of ones life. Look at it this way for you to inflict more pain on yourself is to inflect it on the ones who you truly love and care for mainly Marco And lets be honest YOU BOTH NEED EACH OTHER in such a special way as I can't even imagine or begin to put into text. So if not to be strong for yourself than to be strong for him because he needs all of you...right now

Be strong because if you can't than niether can I.

Chynna
I apologize for my somewhat incoherant ramblings

[[[[Pam]]]]

To echo what others have said, you're beautiful and a great person and we don't want to lose you. I wish I had advice to offer about how to handle your ex, but do know that I care.

Chynna,
         Thank you so very much for your post.  I know that I have to think about the good things I have and know that my situation could be worse.  My gosh...you have sure had your share of trials.  Yet, you always have encouraging words and great advice for the people here at Susan's.  What a class act you truly are.  Thank you!!!

ap!sdn
        Thanks for echoing what the others have said.  I treasure your kind words because, at times, it is very hard to see that in myself.

Pam,

I can't say it any better than the others have so just let me add my voice to theirs -

HANG IN THERE - WE NEED YOU HERE TOO ! !

helen

Hi Pam:

My name is Gill and I am Steph's spouse. 

Sounds like you need a breather from all of this.  Do you have somewhere where you can go for a couple of days?  Somewhere to escape to where all you have to worry about is yourself and not the whole world?

This whole transition effects everyone and it isn't easy.  You've lost a husband, family relations get strained as well as friendships.  Though the kids are giving you a hard time, at least know and you are not "hiding" anything from them.  The kids in all of this are the real victims here.  While we all have choices on how we handle the situation, for SO's staying or leaving.  The kids don't have a choice the "parent" is their parent forever.  That's hard for them to deal with.  That said, it breaks our heart when the kids are involved and we see them hurting (us, themselves). 

Tell me, what do you like to do (forget about all of this that is going on).  What do YOU like to do.  Walking, gardening, sewing.  Perhaps it is time to start thinking about those things that you can do for yourself.  One thing I have learned trhough all of this is that you need to take time for yourself.  It doesn't have to be a big thing.  Where you live, does the city have a botanical garden.  Go there enjoy the flowers, look at the trees.  I mean really look at them.  Soak in their colours, their strengths.  Breathe deep.  Sit on a park bench and just enjoy them.  This sounds hoaky but it works.

Pam talk to us some more.  We are here for you.

Gill

Gill,
      Thank you for posting and your suggestions.  Just a side note:  not to sound wicked or anything, but losing my husband was the best thing that has happened in this whole situation.  He is truly an evil person and he is doing everything he can to destroy me.  He and my sister have consistently poisoned my kids minds toward me.  It does hurt to see that they are using my kids as weapons.  I feel so much like my hands are tied because I refuse to do that...I won't put my kids in the middle of this.  I just hope and pray that first, my kids will come to the realization that I really love them and will never stop loving them; that I am their mother no matter what.  I just can't be with their dad (he is abusive).  Secondly, I need to come to a point of forgiveness toward my ex husband and my sister.  I need to do that for me, whether they ask for it or not.  I can't hang on to it.  I am not even close to being there right now.  I am so full of anger at this point, but I am in intensive therapy to develop healthy coping skills to work through this.  I know staying angry is just letting my ex have the control, but I am working on it.

     Now...the thing that I like doing to relax and "commune" with nature is go to the beach in the evening and watch the waves.  It seems to remind me that there is something so much greater than my problems out there.  I know that if God can make such a beautiful thing, He can get me through my trials.  We do have botanical gardens fairly close to us.  They are doing a big renovation project there right now.  It would be nice to go check that out when they are done with it though.

Thanks again for your words,
Pam

^*Hug* You have the right idea I think. Hang in there Pam.
As the saying goes, it will all come out in the wash...

Hello Pam,

I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough patch.  Children are impressionable at any age and if their fathers' lies are the only truth they think they know, then it is going to be rough going with them for awhile.  What you may need to do will not be easy, but you should give them as much time and space they need until such a time comes where they will draw their own conclusions about what is right and what is wrong.  I often have to remind the stauchest "Christians" that Jesus' commandment to us was to love one another and not to judge one another.  Perhaps that reminder will eventually help them reconsider the problem they seem to have with you.

Please don't hurt yourself. I know from experience that physical pain doesn't alleviate mental anguish.  And you really just end up hurting those that care about you, which is exactly what you're trying not to do. Also, I had an anti-depressant once cause me to become suicidal, so you may want to take note of your reactions to these medications that you've mentioned.

It's completely normal for even the best couples to have falling outs in times of stress.  It's of the utmost importance that the both of you communicate your feelings to one another and don't shut each other out in an attempt to protect each other. 

As far as forgivess goes, you're absolutely right.  They don't have to accept your forgiveness, but you will feel better, and be the bigger person by granting it.  I know you probably are sick of being the bigger person right now, because it seems to only get you walked on more and more, but it will work out in the end.  People will realize that you are doing the mature, right, and respectable thing and that they are being cruel, unsympathetic, manipulative, and immature. 

Gill gave you really good advice about getting out for awhile.  Maybe you could also get out and meet some new friends.  Then there will be others that see first hand the raw deal you've been given and maybe your antagonists will see them, too.  People are always on better behavior when they think that others will see them in a poor light.

It is difficult to be comforting through a computer, but I hope that I can help. And even though I post a little erratically, I'm in your corner all the way, Pam!

Of course, it's even more difficult to be encouraging when you've already said it best yourself:  What goes around, comes around!  They'll get theirs eventually!

Bide your time and hold out hope,
Kelly

Quote from: angelsgirl on June 21, 2006, 07:54:05 PM
And even though I post a little erratically, I'm in your corner all the way, Pam!

Are you sure you didn't mean "sporadically", since you tend to give really good advice?

Melissa

Oops! Despite your claim about giving good advice, I apparently have grammar problems this evening!  Sorry for the confusion!

No need for you to apologize.  I should apologize for nitpicking.  Sorry.

Melissa

Kelly,
      Your words were a great help to me.  Melissa is right.  You do give very good advice.  Everyone here is so supportive and that keeps me hanging on.  I have to say, about Marco's and my relationship, even though I said I was upset with him in my original post, one of the things I absolutely love about him is that he is a "get-all-your-cards-out-on-the-table" kind of guy.  We do communicate very well.  He is so easy to talk to.  He is very straight-forward and honest and he is a good listener as well.  He may get mad right off the bat, but he always thinks about it and we're able to talk.  The other night, when i was sooo upset, he just held me.  I need that so much right now.  It sickens me to hear the awful things my family says about Marco.  I want them all to see him for the awesome person that he is; the way I see him.  I agree with you fully on Jesus' most important commandments.  First, we are to love God, second we are to love our neighbors.  It doesn't say we are to love our neighbors if...it just says we are to love them as we love ourselves.  As you can see, that is one I struggle with, but I'm working on it!

Thanks again!
Pam

Hi Pam:

My apologies for not reading previous posts and not being up-to-date on your situation.  Yes from what you are describing loosing the ex is probably a good thing for you.  Again my apologies if some of the text did not apply.

Have you been to the water yet?  Try to get away for a bit for a breather, you need it.  This is all so overwhelming.  You are on the right track though in letting your kids know you love them and will always be there for them.  Though they maybe angry with you, and perhaps they are angry at everyone because of all that is happening and you happen to be the person that is easiest for them to blame.  They too have to get through that emotion.  Through all that just let them know you love them and will be there.  There will be light at the end of the tunnel.

Kids identify themselves through other kids (peers) so anything that will make them stand out in a crowd will make them retreat and lash out.  Be patient and consistent in your messages to them.

Gill