I am currently a student employee at my univ. This means there is NO contact with whoever is the boss of all the student employees whatsoever (my boss's boss). I don't even KNOW if the library has an HR department (I work at the univ library). Personally, the only guy I am required to report to is my supervisor. He's the only non-student library employee who ever has to know my business and also the only non-student employee that I speak to. This is the guy who hired me, signed my papers, and knows my legal name. He is my supervisor.

He knows and calls me by my legal name therefore, and at first I was so grateful to even be hired that I didn't give a crap WHAT he called me, as long as the job was paying the bills (so to speak). But now my dysphoria has gotten worse and I can't stand to hear that name. Don't get me wrong, my legal first name and the name I used to go by are two different things. I ALWAYS hated my legal name. Now I can't STAND the name I used to go by. And for him to be calling me "Miss [legal first name]" everytime he sees me and introduces me to others BUGS THE HELL OUT OF ME.

I can introduce myself to others as Nathaniel but with him present, it's hard to be male. Sometimes it feels like he's shouting my secret to the world everytime he says "Miss." But I don't blame him, he doesn't know my situation.

Therefore I am writing this letter to him....so could anyone please double check it? I am just a student employee so he's really the only guy I have to report to. To any other library employees we students are just blips, so he's the only one I feel needs this letter.

Reasons for this letter: My supervisor's a pretty laidback guy so my apartment mate was asking why I even need to write him a letter, but I feel that he's just forgetful. If I ask him to call me Mr and Nathaniel, he'll do it I'm sure, but I just want to write it in letter form so he can't forget. I've already told him to call me Nate once [and he forgot] and he has no idea who anyone's talking about when they refer to me as Nathan.

Quote

To Mr. [Supervisor's name]

I am currently writing you a letter to inform you of an important change in my life. I am currently undergoing the beginning of a transition in my life from female to male. In short, I am a transsexual, and I have been diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder. I have always associated myself with the male gender, and do not consider myself a woman. What this means to me is that I was born with the correct mind and the correct mindset (that of a male's) but a tragic birth defect caused me to come into this world in the wrong body, so to speak.

I appreciate that you're a very understanding person, and I felt that I could come to you with a deeply personal issue such as this. I feel as though I would like to correct my defect and make my body match the way I feel inside. Since beginning my transition, I am currently in the process of getting my name legally changed from [current legal name] to Nathaniel [last name]. I anticipate the process will be complete sometime by late January to early February at the latest.

The most important part of my transition in addition to legally changing my name is also living life as Nathaniel 24/7, meaning I will be viewed, referred to, and treated as a male. I am going to begin living as Nathaniel full time in a matter of a few short weeks. I would deeply appreciate it therefore if you would refer to me with male pronouns and call me by my preferred name, Nathaniel (or Nathan if you'd like).

This will not affect my work in any way, shape or form.

Since this is such a personal matter for me I would appreciate it if you kept my birth status to yourself. When in company with others, I do not wish for them to know that I have this medical issue, because that's how I view it. I would like to be treated just as any other man would.

If you have any questions regarding the content of this letter, I would be more than happy to answer them in emails.

Thank you for your understanding, and thank you for being such a wonderful supervisor.

Nathaniel [Last name]

Posted on: November 01, 2008, 09:15:03 pm

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Jeez that was a really long post. I'm really sorry about that.

I had one other question: Do I even mention the fact that I will be using men's restrooms in the letter?

Hi Nathaniel:

That's a very nice letter.
Still, you may run up against some resistance, "Well, if you're changing your name in January, why don't we just wait until then?"

Restrooms. Arrgg! I said the word. It's the most powerful word in the English language.
It causes otherwise sane people to lose their minds entirely.

I think that there are two approaches:

• Pretend that you never go to the bathroom and not say a word.
• Grab the bull by the horns and say that you'll be using the men's restroom.

My uninformed advice: bring up the restroom issue when you speak to him after he has read the letter.
You're in a university, they are a lot mellower than the "real" world.

Good luck

hi nathan.  i think that is a very well written letter and says what needs to be said in a concise manner.  i don't think he can ligitimately find any fault with you for writing it.   i would only have one question related directly to your letter...why answer questions in emails?  since he is your direct supervisor why not in person?

i agree with ranate about the timing of the namechange, in person really might be a better way to describe your feelings about the old name and why it matters so much to you to go ahead and start using it before it's all legal and everything.....kind of less formal, more personal...it is a personal issue.

i think i might just select renate's option a when it comes to the bathroom issue right now.  see how the name thing goes before bringing up another issue.

be patient and understanding.  if you get a negative response in the beginning don't assume that's the end of it...you can still change bad attitudes with a good attitude sometimes.

good luck and Godspeed on your journey young man...you're on your way!

Thanks for the help ladies!!

I'm going to alter that bit about when my name change is happening....and I'm going to leave the bathroom out of it for the time being.

As for why I won't answer his questions in person...well he doesn't exactly have the best privacy in his office. He is in a cubicle in a big open space, (the cubicle walls barely come past the top of the computer on his desk) and there are always students and other employees in that huge area, often times in his vicinity talking to him. I'm the type of person who currently feels that they want to be stealth. I just want to live as a guy, and be treated like every other cisguy. So I don't want to answer questions like that where others may hear the q/a.

Hi Nathan

What they said.....why not wait until the legal name change?  Because.....You identify as male now. Between now, and then can be a long time to feel this level of discomfort.  I would go directly to the university's HR site, and read their diversity policy.  You probably have both protections and procedures you may not be aware of.  I have found a very direct cut to the chase style works best for me.

An example:

Dear Mr Supervisor:


My legal name is (XXXXXXXXXXX), and I was hired for (XXXXXXXXXXX).  I appreciate this employment opportunity, and am proud to work in a university environment that promotes and supports diversity in the workplace.

I am transsexual, and during the last (XXXXXXXXX) I have been transitioning from female to male.  My transition and hormone replacement is overseen and monitored by a group of medical specialists. 

As a male employee, I would greatly appreciate it if supervisors and coworkers address me by the common law name I have chosen, Nathaniel.  In the near future, I will legally have my given name changed.

During the last (however long), I have been addressed as Miss XXXXXX.  At this point in my life, this is emotionally distressful, and to others in proximity promotes an incongruity that they find uncomfortable.
I appreciate the dedication you have to the university, and to your staff, and the understanding you exhibit in this diverse environment.  Please let the staff know I wish to be addressed by my chosen name, Nathaniel.  If pronouns are used in reference to me, I prefer Mr, he, him, his, etc.
I greatly appreciate your understanding and help in this very personal matter.

Be proud!  Sign it with your name

Nathaniel (last name)
((legal name, first and last))



Good luck, guy!
Bev

Posted on: November 03, 2008, 06:54:09 pm

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You should get a respons to such a letter in a short period of time.
As soon as they are comfortable with the TS thing, and the name thing, start using the men's rest room.

Is all that really necessary since I'm just a student employee

Quote from: trapthavok on November 03, 2008, 07:22:48 PM
Is all that really necessary since I'm just a student employee

Not if you think it is not.  For me, it was a professional non-public way of educating the people I worked for.....the ones who wanted to call me mister, and not miss.


Up to you, guy.

Bev

Bev what reaction did you get from that letter?

I think that is a really good letter for coming out with. Did you read it in person, to the people who needed to know?

My letter was like it, but that's just one I jotted out.  In my case, I came out face to face to my HR manager, who I knew well, and who is ts-friendly.  My letter came out after the fact.  Reaction?  Managers did their best to conform to company standards.  The other co-workers?......Everything's good now.....over a year later.  I earned my respect the hard way.  But, just remember....you are a guy from now on for the rest of your life.  So.....be one.  I don't promise it will be easy.  I don't even think it will.  Everyone's experience is a little different, but most have a difficult time.  You're trying to make people conform to they way you think, and not the way they think. 
I really do wish you the best.


Bev

Posted on: November 04, 2008, 10:07:28 pm

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Oh.....and did I read the letter to the other people I worked with?  No.  I came in to work the next day dressed as Bev, with a new name tag (Bev), and used my female voice.  If you insist a thing is so for long enough, it is so.  People can only ping on you so long without making a dent until they either get tired of it, and give up, or learn why you are as you are.  Like I said, I never said it would be easy.  But.....Everyone now considers me female, most without question.  There are a few die hards, but they know that no matter what they think, say, or do will not change things.  Sooner or later, I will have them brain-washed   
Now, half of them are gone, and the new ones don't know I'm ts....they only know I'm lesbian.  Funny....the remaining few who were die hards don't bother to tell the new people any longer.  Sometimes, if you want a thing badly enough, you have to take it if it's not given to you graciously. 

MISSS Bev

Quote from: Miss Bev on November 04, 2008, 09:23:09 PM
Sometimes, if you want a thing badly enough, you have to take it if it's not given to you graciously. 

TRUE THAT!!!!

I wouldn't even know where to begin with the whole HR thing here. They are an entirely separate department on campus.

But you know...students are just a blip on the radar here. They come work for you for a short period of time, then they're gone/graduated.

No one really knows me in the workplace right now since I've only been working there since the end of August. I guess only my supervisor needs to know, especially since in May 09, I'm out. I graduate, and move on with my life to pursue the dream. I don't know, I like the letter too, still haven't sent it. HR would be a good idea in theory but they don't even know who I am. They can't keep up with all their student employees!

Happy graduation (almost)!


Bev

I sent him the letter today and he sent me a reply. Here's part of it:

QuoteI have to say that this is a unexpected issue for me, never having dealt personally with an subject of this type, but I don't foresee any problems and/or issues with this.

I will support you to the fullest extent that I can, if I have a brain fart and forget momentarily, I please ask you to excuse me!

Yay! All went well. Thanks everyone for all your help!!

Ironically he seems to have come across another trans person in almost a similar situation....an MtF who graduated a year before me. I never got to meet her in person, but a friend of mine connected us online so I could have someone to talk to....Small world, eh? Didn't know she'd worked at the library (there's so many other places to work on campus!)

But my boss is cool and I'm grateful ^_^

Mister Nathan:

I'm proud of you!  Now you can make it to May as your true self at work.  I'm very happy for you!
Feels good, huh?   



Bev