Hi All!
I'm surprised that I hadn't found this site before now? I have spent a few days reading posts and rules and this looks like a nice safe and comfortable place to share?
I'm the classic story in that I was about 6 years old when I realized I was different than the other boys. My clearest memories begin in 2nd grade when I was about 7. I remember standing on the playground and wondering why I didn't get to wear cute dresses and jumpers? I spent my days feeling jealous and terribly envious of the girls as they wore ribbons, cute socks and shoes and other pretty things. When I was 8 I was supposed to be in a play. The part required me to wear tights. I refused to do it because I wanted to wear them so bad I was sure my parents would know I was not "right". I later found the tights and wore them every chance I got. It wasn't until 7th grade that I stole a pair of pantyhose from my mom and wore them under my pants to school. It was the most thrilling day of my life! I felt so whole and so complete that day. I was married at 22, my wife bought me nylons and panties. At 25 she bought me a whole outfit and talked me into going out shopping with her. We were out of town and I loved it!!! I couldn't get enough and wanted to go every day I had off. Which I did until she felt it was getting to be to much. Instead of talking to me she took pictures and showed them to my family and my co-workers. There is nothing she could have done that would have hurt me worse! I threw every thing away and stopped dressing but out marriage was over. 6 years later we divorced and I moved 2,000 miles away. I made new friends and finally shared my secret feelings that would not go away. Ann said I wasn't hurting anyone and her husband John didn't care. She finally talked me into dressing up and going to the mall with her. That was all I needed! I decided life was to short and that I deserved to be happy as much anyone else did. In the last few years I have progressed from nervous trips to the mall every few weeks to dressing full time. I found a therapist and last week told her I was ready for HRT. She also feels I'm ready and I can't wait to start. I'm almost 46 years old and like so many others, I wish I would have found the courage when I was younger. Even so, I am thrilled and I am finally happy! I have work to do but now my mile stones are being asked to sit in the chair at the Estee Lauder counter at Macy's and having my make-up done and my skin tone matched for foundation and sitting in the waiting room at the car dealership in a dress and heels while my oil is changed and mechanics take turns coming in to check me out. I hope that one day soon I look back and giggle at those events as I get used to just being me?
I'm getting kind of long here but I want to say what 2 therapists have reaffirmed for me. This is not a choice! It comes with birth. No one would choose to spend their life feeling the way I have. Living in fear, feeling like some thing was wrong with me? Hidding from everyone while constantly being worried I may be discovered? No matter how hard I have tried to deny my feelings they have never changed or went away. I see myself as female right down to every cell in my body and nothing feels as right or as whole as looking the way I feel.
