I've got multiple things on my plate here. I'm looking to come out to my parents over my Thanksgiving break from college. My parents have always been accepting and from what I've gathered seem to know I'm attracted to men. They started dropping hints like "Hey, wanna go march with our church in the Massachusetts Pride Parade?" or the number of times that I've gone to my local(back at home) LGBTQQ Dance in Boston. It seems like they might have an inkling of this, and I am almost certain I will come out to them in that regard at least(although I am prone to second guessing and panic attacks so who knows).

I'm having trouble deciding whether or not I'm going to tell them that I am also a questioning transsexual. I wish I had a better grip on this aspect of me but I haven't been able to reach this yet. I've been talking to a few close friends whom I can trust about these feelings and have also been trying to outwardly manifest on my college campus with hope that I might gain clarity(dressing in skirts and nail polish for example). Regardless of these attempts, I'm still at a point where I do not have the clarity I want. Furthermore I cant seem to keep these thoughts out of my mind. More and more it seems to be a very real thing for me, but I have yet to be able to acknowledge this on my own.

I would like to be able to seek a councilor, but I am scraping by with very small amounts of money and cannot afford to see one on my own dollar at the moment. I wish I could even just afford one session on my own in secret but I am in no position to do this. As horrible as it is, one of the biggest issues for me is the financial, where as I think it should be my feelings. I've been trying to sort through these feelings as I've mentioned and I've had no avail. I seem to spiral and circle and never make any progress. In this regard I think I might benefit from therapy.

I guess my main motivation for coming out as TS to my parents would be to pursue further clarification. I cant afford to seek therapy on my own and would ask my parents if they could front me the money for at least one session. I wish that I was able to figure this out on my own but I do not seem to be able to put my experiences and feelings to the test to call myself a true transsexual. I know my motivations and the way I feel, but I have no idea whether or not this is indicative of my confusion or if I am experiencing genuine issues.

I was wondering what others thought, and if this course seems valid or if I should wait it out until I am able to better understand myself.

Sarrah M.

I think that, if you are reasonably confident that they will react positively to your coming out (or at least, not call the exorcist while chucking you out of the house... ) it's a good idea to come clean with them about everything going on in your life. I'm fortunate that my parents and I have built a really strong relationship, and apart from the emotional boost, the support they have provided, at times, in terms of housing, covering medical costs etc. when I have fallen flat on my face, has been a huge help. Therapy will help you sort out your questioning, and it sounds like much more likely that you can get that by coming out to them than not.

Hugs, and I hope it goes well Sarrah,

~Simone.

Quote from: Sarrah M. on November 19, 2008, 01:58:20 AM
I've got multiple things on my plate here. I'm looking to come out to my parents over my Thanksgiving break from college.

...

I would like to be able to seek a councilor, but I am scraping by with very small amounts of money and cannot afford to see one on my own dollar at the moment.

Just curious, but have you looked into free counseling services through your college? It's been a while, but back when I was in college that kind of thing was free to students. You might not get your pick of therapists that way, but it might help you sort through things without worrying about the cost.

Anyway, I don't think it's a bad idea to let your parents know about your confusion or questioning, as long as you're fairly confident about their support. It might not be the best time to announce any permanent decisions until you've sorted out your own thoughts and feelings more, but bringing them into the loop early could be of great benefit to you in the long run.

However, if you're all panicky over the very notion of bringing it up, I would definitely explore the free therapy options first.

Best of luck whatever you decide! 

Thanks for the help and support.

I think that my parents will be supportive to the extent that I can expect of them. While it is never easy to hear, I still think they will be able to understand. They are pretty understanding and liberal. I know that they would have no issue with me liking men, but that seems like it is partially removed from the issue that I also feel like a woman. I have a hard time seeing them cutting me off and severing all ties with me, and I think that it is something that they would be fairly receptive to as long as I explained what I am feeling. My father might be a little conservative at first and might deny any of this, but I'm not terribly worried about this because in past discrepancies I've had with him we've come out okay on the other end. He was raised Catholic but has since become a Quaker and I think that there might be a slight barrier there but he also has managed to surprise me in the past so I am hopeful.

The only people who I'm worried about are my Grandparents and Aunts/Uncles on my father's side. They are all still practicing Catholics and there is a VERY noticeable schism in our family's politics. I'm also the first grandchild on my father's side so I think that if my grandparents were to hear that I am either of the things that I would come out as, they would be heartbroken. It annoys the living hell out of me that the biggest deterrent for me coming out isn't even in my immediate family...its my extended family for Christ's sake. Part of me knows that I am fine without their approval, and that's not what I am fighting for. But then there's the other part of me that already knows there is a stigma on me, I am the "gay cousin" not because I like men, but because I'm from Massachusetts. This is how absurdly bull->-bleeped-<- some of this is to me.

I have thought about using the therapy provided on campus but the biggest issue is just that I live on a extremely small campus. It seems like word gets around easily here, and if I were to go seek therapy on campus, my friends would ask me why I was getting therapy and then I might be in a situation. I have come out to one friend here on campus(who interestingly isn't the friend that I know from home) and she was very welcoming and accepting, and her roommate even made me a purse so I wouldn't have to hike up my skirt to get my cigarettes. I have a fear that if I go to therapy here on campus, that I will have to explain to some of my friends who might not be as accepting before I am ready.
Sarrah M.

I found a partial solution that seems to be working for me. Earlier this evening, the LGBTQQ circle at my school met and we talked but some people had to leave early so the main meeting dissolved earlier than expected. The meeting was about homophobia and stigmas that are in society today and I got to share some of my experiences and it was a good meeting. Since it was earlier than expected, I just sat around and talked with the leader of our circle. The conversation shifted and we started talking about the past weekend I had with Victoria(Fox). I started explaining about the great time I had at Scandals with her and about how it was nice to not be judged at Scandals.

Then all of a sudden without thinking I just kinda spit it out that I was beginning to explore my identity as a transsexual. I started talking about how I felt more feminine on the inside than outwardly. Since our leader is a Gender and Woman's Studies professor, she was interested in what I had to say. She was interested on how I defined feminine and what it felt like to feel the way I do.

It doesn't seems to be a complete solution to anything, also its very limited. She supported my plan of coming out over Thanksgiving and offered me what advice she could. I'm hoping to be able to talk to her more because she seems to be interested in helping me and supporting me. Its a little strange for me because I was actually hoping to take her class but instead got screwed royally on scheduling. I guess this is a good alternative.

So I'm out to my mother-
It was far from a shouting match-but equidistant from complete understanding.To be honest- she reacted exactly how I would suspect one to react. The biggest thing is that I'm going to have to wait till I come home from college to Winter break. My mom wants do be able to do some research and look into therapists, which is a bit of a downer because that was the biggest thing that I wanted to start on after I came out(so I could receive a small stipend for therapy). I wasn't asking to start HRT or SRS surgery, but simply to be able to start looking into therapy. Regardless- Everything was as I expected.
I started with the easier thing for me to admit to them(that I'm attracted to men). I just kinda stumbled into the "Umm, Mom, I'm bisexual" and then she said "I know" which just makes my head reel- If you knew why didn't you tell me!!! It would have made my life so much easier. She says that she didn't want to confront me on this because its something that shouldn't be confrontational. So now that that was out of the way(and a hell of a lot quicker than I expected to) I just launched into the thing that I knew was gonna be a lot more complicated. I start to explain how I feel when I dress en femme and how I dont feel that my inward self is congruent with my outer self. And then it just kinda comes out- "Mom, I think i might be transsexual" and so we dance around for about an hour and a half- saying the same things and making no real advances. Meanwhile my heart rate remains at about a constant 120bpm. And so we kinda get into a cyclical thing- I apparently sound urgent- and she insists I need more time- and this continues for a while- I kinda see the urgency- but at the same time I am only asking to go to therapy(which given my history with therapists, its amazing that I'm actually seeking one out of my own volition). So we've kinda stalemated- I guess there is always X-mas break which is only 3 weeks away- but at the same time these next three weeks are probably some of the most stressful work periods that I'll have. And heaven knows my friends who I am out to get enough grief from me. At the same time, my mom is only trying to do whats best for me- and is looking into the best possible therapist and hasn't steered me wrong so far.
I emerge from this conversation the most drained I could possibly- and proceed to go coma toast for the entirety of Thanksgiving and well into friday.

Sarrah,

It is a start.  You have got her thinking and looking into researching.  You may be surprised that she knows more than you think.  Try to focus on school and answers to questions she may have.

You may be speaking soon.

~Hugs~

Janet