->-bleeped-<-
By The Roachy Jay
Introduction: The Survival of a Species
To start off, I'd like to tell you a little bit about what ->-bleeped-<- is. Someone who is Transgendered, such as myself, feels that they are the wrong sex on the outside. Put quite simply, it is to say that I am a girl in the body of a boy. This does not, however, make me homosexual. ->-bleeped-<- is more about who you are, or "identity", than who you are attracted to, or your "orientation". I could explain this by showing you a normal, "straight" woman. She looks like a woman to everyone else, and she feels like a woman herself. When a cute guy walks by, she turns her head because she finds him attractive. This is likewise with a normal, "straight" man, execept they are attracted to women. Now, take a look at a "gay" man. When a woman passes him, he is not at all likely to turn his head, but that same cute guy that passed the woman earlier might catch his attention. But because the homosexual man is attracted to other men, it does not make him want to be a woman. In some cases, homosexuals utterly dispise the opposite sex. Because there is a distinquishing line between identity and orientation, I am at liberty to say that though I am a girl in the body of a boy, I am lesbian. It is like this for most Pre-Operation MTF Transgenders but it is not out-of-line to say that there can exist women in the bodies of men who indeed are attracted to men.
Why, then, you might ask, do Post-Operation Transwomen tend to be attracted to men? Is it because they decide, "hey, I'm a girl now, I might as well learn to like guys..."? The answer is no. According to She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders by Jennifer Finney Boylan, two out of three men who become women who are introduced to the female hormone, Estrogen, become attracted to men. You don't choose who you're attracted to, you just are. The female and male hormones usually make people attracted to the opposite sex so that they might procreate... For this is necessary for the survival of the speicies. However, this is not always the case. Quite clearly, there are women who are not attracted to men, and men who are not attracted to women (of course, there is nothing wrong with this, and it is not unnatural). Therefor, it is not ridiculous to say that when one becomes the opposite sex, they may be attracted to the sex they were prior to the operation because the new hormones reprogram them to be attracted to the now-opposite sex so that they might procreate (even though this is not possible with modern technology because science has not yet been able to create an ovaries that create eggs or testicles that likewise produce sperm).
My Story
Contrary to what many who have been following my blog may believe, She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders did not make me Transgendered. It did, however, help me understand that I was and encourage me to not keep it bottled up inside. In fact, since I was very young, I had dreams featuring myself as a woman. I was not aware of what my subconcious was telling me then, though I did wake up and notice that I was a boy. I often fantasized about becoming a woman though there was one thing that disturbed me: if I did become a woman, I'd have to date men... Eww!
See, at the time, I wasn't aware of homosexuality, and I didn't know that it really was possible for men to become women. As I got older, I had to start goign to a babysitter's. There were three of us that came all the time, and we became really good friends, though I no longer am in touch with them. A girl and a boy. We'd always play together and sometimes get into mischief...
When I went into kindergarden with the girl, the boy being a year behind us, I made my first encounter with sexism. It seemed every boy there hated girls. I didn't understand it. What was there to hate about girls? I learned to play along with them, joining there antigirl chants just to fit in. But it never felt right. I recall wondering if there was only one boy who really hated girls and his friends copied him, and their friends copied them... All pretending to hate girls. I don't know if that's true or not, but I know that after school, I still hung out with that girl at the babysitter's.
As I ranked through elementary school, the antigirl/antiboy campaign slowly died out in the higher grades. I still heard some of it going on in the lower grades, of course, but I started having more and more female friends. I'd started to forget about my girlification fantasies, and lived the life of a boy. I survived for a while. One day my while my mother was driving me home from school, she talked about Transgenders, not using the term, of course. Looking back on her description, she obviously didn't know what she was talking about, but that's okay. At least this way I learned they existed and it was possible to crossover. I thought about it a bit, the way my mother had described it, and frowned to myself. But now I'm pretty sure they don't hack of the penis with a knife...
Still, I told no one. My mother went on her quest for a church because of some of the weird ideas I'd picked up about religeon from school. She found the Unitarian Universallist Church of Arlington... A "fellowship" that gladly accepts gays, lesbians, and Transgenders. Of course, not all of them really seemed to grasp the wideness of possiblities.
I remember one girl I talked to there, she must have been 15 at the time, and I was about 7. She looked at me and asked if I had a sister, I told her "no" and she told me to go away because I wasn't in touch with my feminine side. I remember this feeling of anger and annoyance, which was and is something I expirience very rarely.
When I got into the 8th grade, the church had the "O.W.L." (Our Whole Lives) program. It's purpose was to bring the alumni into realization of other orientations and identities. It was in this class, that we had Post-Operation Transwomen actually come and speak to us. I paid close attention, and alot of their stories from their childhoods were close to my own. But I still didn't understand. Part of me kept thinking I was different from them... Part of me couldn't separate orientation from identity and thought they did it because they were homosexual, not because that's what the felt like inside.
Until, that is, I found the book. She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders helped me understand that that's exactly what I was. A Transgender. Accepting this, I began telling people. Even before I read it, I'd told a few people, starting with an online friend who commented on how my purplish instant message font colors colors were "quite manly".
Most of my friends have accepted it, others think it's all a joke. I really don't care what others think as long as they just keep it to themselves and not shove it in my face all the time. Anyway, I'd like to thank you for taking the time to read this and if you've got any questions at all, send me an email and I'll do my best to answer them.
If you'd like to learn more about ->-bleeped-<-, I suggest She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders by Jennifer Finney Boylan and the webcomic, "From Then on Forth" by Elizabeth Troub.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: So, you're gay, right?
A: This depends on your definiton of gay.
Q: Are you going to get an operation?
A: I don't know yet. It's a possibility though.
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