Ok, so me and my best friend have been BFFs for 10 years, since we were ten yrs old. He is a strait male, and when I came out to him as an MtF, he was fine with it, and we agreed that we could both still be best friends.

However, things b/w us have not been the greatest lately. As much as I appreciate his support, I think we may be growing apart. He is so lost in life. When we graduated from high school 3 years ago, he didn't even have any plans for college/work in line, and I'm not saying everyone should do that, but he didn't even have a job yet at this point and had no plans on getting one. He sat at home and played video games for 6 months before he finally took a bunch of useless classes at a college for 3 measely months.

2 years pass, and he starts working, but he got fired from his first job b/c of theft, and has bounced around minimum wage retail jobs since. He finally decided to go to school in Sept, but he goes to MY college and he's in MY program (business)...and he's never shown any interest in business, he's just copying me and its annoying as hell.

I am embarassed to be his friend, in all honesty. I don't really want to be his friend anymore, but I don't have the heart to just leave him in the dust. Plus, for a strait male to be best friends with a transgirl, to me, really says something. He is the nicest guy and has an awesome sense of humor, but he's just floating along in life. What should I do with him? Has/does anyone have similar friends like him? Thanks.

Chrissi

Break off the friendship. You are a snob and don't deserve his friendship. I wish my straight male friend had been like him.

Seriously, I hope all your future friends meet your standards and accept you.

My brother is like that. He's taken some classes at college, didn't finish high school, bounces from job to job (when he has one at all), etc... He is just beginning to settle down after about five years of this. The only thing I can tell you to do is either drop him as a friend or wait it out until he grows up and realizes that he needs to do something with his life. It doesn't make him a bad guy, just directionless.

Quote from: Nero on November 13, 2008, 06:30:26 PM
Break off the friendship. You are a snob and don't deserve his friendship. I wish my straight male friend had been like him.

Dead on Nero ... 

So you dont like him anymore because he lacks direction.... but yet you say he's a nice guy and all and say "I am embarassed to be his friend, in all honesty"

I would say if you cant help him in any way (which you should if your a friend) stop being a hypocrite and break the freindship already. Problem solved ! .....

gina

Instead of seeing it as him copying you, I'd say he's looking to you for guidance. If you have such a great friendship you should be willing to offer that guidance. He's stood by you, stand by him.

Of course if you're unable, or unwilling to do so then do as Nero said and break it off.

Well, I think Nero said it best, but I want to say something anyway. Seriously, Nero rocks.

Quote2 years pass, and he starts working, but he got fired from his first job b/c of theft, and has bounced around minimum wage retail jobs since. He finally decided to go to school in Sept, but he goes to MY college and he's in MY program (business)...and he's never shown any interest in business, he's just copying me and its annoying as hell.

You emphasized the MY part of college and program. It seems like you don't want your "best friend" to be in the same program as you. WTF? Although I do not seek out my friends from my school years, even so, if one of my best friends was in the same college with me, I wouldn't mind it at all -- especially if they didn't give a flying f--k about me being trans.

You act like your friend is so inferior to you. I mean you obviously don't want them in your college -- let alone in your program. You said your friend did some retail work. Well, although I'm not sure about the actual connection between retail and business, I think that they would be pretty related. So, don't you think that they would be in a similar type of program as business considering the work they did before?

Of course if you decide to live beyond your inner 5 year old and be a true friend, a book like Guyland might be a good gift for him.

I don't get it, why is everyone pissed off at me? if someone you cared about was vegging away on the couch wouldn't you at least be a little concerned??

I have decided to stick by him, but seriously, just because we are trans doesn't mean we have to settle for the....less eager??....members of society.

Quote from: Icephoenyx on November 25, 2008, 10:21:27 AM
I don't get it, why is everyone pissed off at me? if someone you cared about was vegging away on the couch wouldn't you at least be a little concerned??

I have decided to stick by him, but seriously, just because we are trans doesn't mean we have to settle for the....less eager??....members of society.

I'm not going to applaud everything you say simply because you're trans. My goal is to encourage you to develop yourself as a person, not just develop your gender.

Ice, part of friendship is respecting people's paths and abilities at the time. I did not see respect in the way you described him.

Another part of friendship is support/encouragement. He has chosen to stop failing and seek some sort of development or success. I get the feeling that in your head his joining your program makes you less "special." That's really counter-effective--instead of having a friendship with someone you can study with, tutor, mentor, or just bounce ideas off, you're treating him like an adversary. Why would you do that?

I might be way off with what I've said. My suggestion is to examine your feelings and then dig beneath them to the motivations. Changing your perception from threat to opportunity will free you in this situation and other ways you can't anticipate.

^^

What he said.

I don't know if I can help him though. I can't change a person, all I can do is tell them how I feel and see what that does. If he doesn't take what I said to heart, then I don't know if I can put up with it too much longer.

He is also dating this girl that I don't like...she has affected my friendship with him and I really don't think she's right for him. But since he has nothing else going for him, he's gonna do everything he can to be with her. To me, this is icing on the cake and I really don't know if I can be his friend any longer, but I don't know if I want to lose a friendship over something like this...

Chrissi

Quote from: Icephoenyx on November 13, 2008, 06:26:16 PM
Plus, for a strait male to be best friends with a transgirl, to me, really says something.
Chrissi

Says something?  Something about what?  Something about him?  Or something about you?  What's wrong with being best friends with a transgirl?

I'm an FTM; my best friend of 10 years is female.  I think it says something wonderful about her.   

Quote from: Icephoenyx on November 26, 2008, 11:32:11 AM
I don't know if I can help him though. I can't change a person, all I can do is tell them how I feel and see what that does. If he doesn't take what I said to heart, then I don't know if I can put up with it too much longer.

He is also dating this girl that I don't like...she has affected my friendship with him and I really don't think she's right for him. But since he has nothing else going for him, he's gonna do everything he can to be with her. To me, this is icing on the cake and I really don't know if I can be his friend any longer, but I don't know if I want to lose a friendship over something like this...

Chrissi

Nobody said you had to change him as a person. QUITE the opposite. I was referring to study skills and ideas related to the discipline.

You don't have the right to judge him or who he dates. You're his friend, not his parent.

You know, you really should end your friendship, for HIS sake.

Wow, pretty harsh y'all.  I have let several friendships sort of drift away because I really didn't like the partner, and the partner was always there, and that doesn't leave a lot of options.

I had a friend named Dave (I'll call him that, largely because his name was Dave and I have no imagination today) who took up with the girl Jen - also her real name.  Jen had the most remarkable ability to interrupt any conversation with some long winded story that had some vague connection to what we were talking about.  If my friend Reg (who is African-American, 'by choice and by birth' as he says) is telling some story about encountering discrimination Jen some how has a story about being mistaken for being black once, ....  If I had an "I hit my penis with a hammer story" I'm sure that Jen would have one too.

She also loved to finish people's sentences for them and take off on these tangents.  Everyone hated her, except Dave.

We had to establish a Jen Free Zone, we even called it the JFZ, to make sure we could talk to Dave without his 'better half' as she called herself.  Lucky Jen hated me (some guys have all the luck) so it was pretty much my place at the Iowa State Home for the Bewildered.  Matter of fact she hated the entire commune, so that was pretty groovy.

But what were we to do.  No one could stand her.

If you've moved on with your life - and that is the reason for college after all - and your just not where you were a few years ago (a reason for thanks) then its easy to see where the two of you might not have that much in common anymore.  Sometimes all people share that makes them friends is one thing, a job, or school and when you remove that, there is just not much else there.  That's not anyone's fault.  Just is.

QuoteIf I had an "I hit my penis with a hammer story" I'm sure that Jen would have one too.

Tekla, I'm kind of surprised that you don't.   

I would have to agree with Nero on this one. If he's nice and you two still get along, why would you break off a good friendship just because he lacks motivation or direction?

I have a similar situation. My best friend and I met at my (and I think his) first job back in '02 when I was 16. About a year into it he got a different job, but still just an average close to minimum wage job. From then on until today he's had that same job while I've moved on, started a career, and all that. He comes to me a lot saying how he's sick of his job yet doesn't know what else he could do. He smokes pot also and knows it's not helping his situation. I see him stuck in this dead-end job not doing more to get himself out of it. He's even gone so far as asking me about what I do to see if he could get into it as well.

Yet, at the same time, he's a great guy. He's funny, smart, and just an all-around cool person. And like you, I'm a MTF and he's still best friends with me. So should I just break it off just because he doesn't have as good a job as me? Or because he may not have the amount of motivation or direction in his life as I may have? No, he's a good person, a good friend, and that's all my friendship with someone is based on.

In my opinion, I think there's more to this then you think, or that you're saying. I think his job and financial situation is only icing on the cake and you may feel different about him as a person overall, which is causing you to want to end it. Now, that's not a bad thing. People change and he may not be the same person he was when you first became friends. That makes sense and if you want to discontinue a friendship because you two don't click anymore then by all means, that's your choice. But to want to end it because you're embarrassed of him because he hasn't done as well as you may have does seem a bit pretentious.

Quote from: Benjamin on November 26, 2008, 11:53:01 AM

Quote from: Icephoenyx on November 13, 2008, 06:26:16 PM
Plus, for a strait male to be best friends with a transgirl, to me, really says something.
Chrissi

Says something?  Something about what?  Something about him?  Or something about you?  What's wrong with being best friends with a transgirl?

I'm an FTM; my best friend of 10 years is female.  I think it says something wonderful about her.   

Sorry for the confusion, I meant that it really says he is a good guy if he wants to remain friends after his best friend comes up to him and says he wants to be a woman.....

We just have so many memories together, we practically grew up together, but I guess if we don't click anymore than its best to have a break...doesn't have to be permanent....

at any rate, I'll have a talk with him this weekend, we are going to a work party and afterwards I think I will talk to him about this. I just hope we don't get wasted to the point where we can't talk at all.....that's what happened last time

So Sarah, you don't feel embarrassed at all about your friend? Doesn't it frustrate you at all?

Chrissi

Quote from: Icephoenyx on November 26, 2008, 05:55:06 PM

Quote from: Benjamin on November 26, 2008, 11:53:01 AM

Quote from: Icephoenyx on November 13, 2008, 06:26:16 PM
Plus, for a strait male to be best friends with a transgirl, to me, really says something.
Chrissi

Says something?  Something about what?  Something about him?  Or something about you?  What's wrong with being best friends with a transgirl?

Sorry for the confusion, I meant that it really says he is a good guy if he wants to remain friends after his best friend comes up to him and says he wants to be a woman.....

Chrissi

Oh.... OK.  Gotcha.  Yeah, that does say something.

Quote from: Icephoenyx on November 26, 2008, 05:55:06 PM
So Sarah, you don't feel embarrassed at all about your friend? Doesn't it frustrate you at all?

No, not really. He's my friend because he's cool, funny, fun-loving, and down to earth. I don't have any responsibility to him and his career and, therefore, have no reason for his personal life situations to affect my ability to befriend him. Even if it did frustrate me, I would rather try to help him get on his feet rather than just say oh well, he's not "at my level" so I'm going to cut those ties. Come to think of it I have also done that as well, I've tried to get him and my brother together to do some music stuff since they're both into that. That may not work out, but again, oh well, too bad but that doesn't make him any less cool, less funny, less fun-loving, or less anything else that makes him my friend.

Quote from: Icephoenyx on November 26, 2008, 05:55:06 PM
We just have so many memories together, we practically grew up together, but I guess if we don't click anymore than its best to have a break...doesn't have to be permanent....

If it's that you don't click anymore, you don't relate to him anymore and therefore conversation or whatever lacks, or something like that then that's fine and going your separate ways is something probably best.

My friendships only work one principle.  If you're friendly with me, I'll be friendly with you.  I could not imagine befriending anyone otherwise, even if some choices they make do annoy me.  I'll always be there to pick up the pieces if needed.

It's sad really, he seems to care about you, but you don't seem to care about him.  He might be a little lazy, but it's not like he is taking anything away from you.  You really should be just thankful for his friendliness in you, otherwise it seems pretty selfish don't you think?