I know everyone has their own pale of sh$t to stand in, but I have to scream and shout!
Man if you only knew me 3 years ago. I was quiet, to myself avoiding all confrontation!
Has my cheese slid of my cracker? Am I a taco short of a combination or lacking a full deck of cards?
I don't know what it's like for other girls, but my emotion seems to come in sets of waves.
I never forget that I'm a girl, the volume somehow just goes down on it's own.
Then the next wave hits with devastating force! The hunger, the desire, the yurning and burning.....

I'm the type of person that is open source! The polar opposite of who I was even 3 years ago. An in your face "this is who I am" attitude! Don't like my eyeliner, Bite me! Who is anyone to dictate to people like my self that are born with the wrong organs.

The problem is, there is too much energy, I'm too emotionally charged!
No I'm not contemplating suicide at the moment, but like a virus the troops mount....

I see in my minds eye the perfect storm rolling in...
It's becoming too overwhelming to deal with this. Christ, I'm to the point I would lay a total stranger!
These feelings just keep getting stronger! Above and beyond what I can imagine, and let me tell you, if imagination had an I.Q." rank, I would be a genius!

It hurts so bad that people see me as a guy. I can't just walk up to a guy I find appealing and flirt with him! That's just not fair. If there is a gender god, he sure has an awfull sense of humor....

Can you imagine 2 semi trucks playing tug of war? My soul just happens to be caught between the two.
The clouds get more violent with colorful streaks of lightening.
Never before have I played this deep!

I never knew I was a girl, I just thought I must be gay, but the thing that separated me from that pack was I didn't want to use my "south of the border" parts on a guy or any one else.

When I started looking up websites like tsgirlfriend and this site it dawned on me that I was a transgender. Back in the year "200" Itried with all my being to try and shove my feelings under the rug because it was too much to handle and I didn't under stand why I was attracted to men, but yet had no interest in them touching my "parts".
I don't fit in with the gay community!!!!!
What the hell is wrong with me? (I thought)

Back sometime in the year "2000" (my final date with a four year relationship with a guy) I went out totaly dressed as a woman head to toe.

That night about killed me.... Too make a long story short I met the most handsome guy! He looked like the actor in the "Hercules" tv show! We conversed for about an hour or so. I'm a very "to the point" person. I asked if he was married and he was. I thought to myself "His wife must be a living doll".
Then I got these creepy thoughts in my head that never before surfaced till that night. Why would he want a "wanna Be" like me when he can have any genetic woman he wanted?!
(even then I didn't know I was a girl).
My boyfriend drops me off at my doorstep, and I walk in the house collapsing on the floor in tears!
I rise to go to the bathroom and glance in the mirror noticing my beard poking through my foundation! I freaked even harder! I never cried in my entire life the way I did that day! I went into a panick attack! I rn into my bedroom and turned my stereo as loud as I could get it playing the song "Take the L" over and over and over and over again.... Crying, vomiting, knowing for sure I was'nt going to wake up the next day.

Needless to say I did. Now here I am 8 years later back where I left off. This time I'm armed with the knowledge of who I am and not afraid to explore or express me.

But still these emotions are far beyond what I've experienced then. There too strong. I've never allowed myself to play this deep till now....
Love you all...

Yep !

I keep thinking of the Iron Maiden track "Can I Play With Madness"..

It seems to sum up how I feel at times...

I've always been calm, and professional, polite, mild mannered, nothing gets me wound up, I just swallow it deal with it..

....BUT now I have days when I wanna scream...ram the bastard that cut me up in the car...break somethin'...

...but thats not me......So who is it?



Chrissty

scarboroughfair i totally understand and identify with every word of your post! just be yourself

Quote from: Chrissty on December 06, 2008, 08:47:12 AM
Yep !

I keep thinking of the Iron Maiden track "Can I Play With Madness"..

It seems to sum up how I feel at times...

I've always been calm, and professional, polite, mild mannered, nothing gets me wound up, I just swallow it deal with it..

....BUT now I have days when I wanna scream...ram the bastard that cut me up in the car...break somethin'...

...but thats not me......So who is it?



Chrissty

Sounds like me on a bad day - doesn't take much to make me totally flip - I can be all love and flowers and sparkles one second and then someone says something that rubs me the wrong way and *BAM* I want to rip off their arms and legs and use them to beat them to death.

In addition, it only gets worse! Maybe I am just reaching my tolerance limit with the world - my therapist actually suggested all my anti-establishmentarianism and antipathy for everything is me just bouncing my own self hatred outwards – weird eh!

*grr snarl*

awww hun hope you feel ok soon - i wave and surge and dip and dive and soar and leap and everything but i feel fairly stable most of the time - as for the therapist yea i know, i do feel like shes touched on a truth though

Quote from: scarboroughfair on December 06, 2008, 11:48:41 AM

Just be careful with "therapists".
You can only know you. But I can no longer give advice when I myself am going over the edge.
(hugs)

As I still have to get to see a therapist I'll heed the warning....!

..I do wonder sometimes though...I mean...... do some of us need to hit bottom before we make the tougher decisions we have to?

.....and so long as we are survivors...... is it somewhere we occasioanlly need to go?

I'm beginning to wonder if what happens is that we collect more and more distractions as we go through life, and it evetually gets to the point that we cannot make decisions as we believe we have way too much much to consider. Maybe we just need to get some clarity, and silence the other voices in our heads, and maybe thats done on "the bottom", or "on the edge"....

I'm not at "the edge" yet,..... but at the rate I'm going I may see you there soon Scarboro' ...

...and hope you don't get too many bad days fusi....

Chrissty

Quote from: Chrissty on December 06, 2008, 02:08:02 PM

Quote from: scarboroughfair on December 06, 2008, 11:48:41 AM

Just be careful with "therapists".
You can only know you. But I can no longer give advice when I myself am going over the edge.
(hugs)

As I still have to get to see a therapist I'll heed the warning....!

..I do wonder sometimes though...I mean...... do some of us need to hit bottom before we make the tougher decisions we have to?

.....and so long as we are survivors...... is it somewhere we occasioanlly need to go?

I'm beginning to wonder if what happens is that we collect more and more distractions as we go through life, and it evetually gets to the point that we cannot make decisions as we believe we have way too much much to consider. Maybe we just need to get some clarity, and silence the other voices in our heads, and maybe thats done on "the bottom", or "on the edge"....

I'm not at "the edge" yet,..... but at the rate I'm going I may see you there soon Scarboro' ...

...and hope you don't get too many bad days fusi....

Chrissty

that's a question i have asked myself before, and sometimes i do wonder if it is a sort of 'reality check'. but there's only so far you can go with it, and it is very easy to get caught up and it turns into a spiral and then you've got problems.

the bad days come and go, ive learned to just deal with it - i think they bother other people more than they bother me tbh! (though i do fret over what people think of me when i flip out :s)

but thanks hun *hugs*

Quote from: fusi on December 06, 2008, 02:17:58 PM
the bad days come and go, ive learned to just deal with it - i think they bother other people more than they bother me tbh! (though i do fret over what people think of me when i flip out :s)

but thanks hun *hugs*

Hmmm....I think I may worry too much about what others think of me, so I'll share that one with you.

...and thank you for your comments!..



Chrissty

Quote from: scarboroughfair on December 06, 2008, 03:20:23 PM
Aww, that is so sweet! Thank you for the video!

Here Is something I wrote a few months ago.
************************************************************************
Your final bow in life, silence always has the last word..
I think I've found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow....
What's in your heart, deep in your heart is silence.
It's when that silence becomes deafening loud that you see truth.
My silence is when I first wake up, or when I first begin to fall to the depths of sleep.
The silence is then so loud. What I am made of, my dreams, my hopes and moral codes reveal themselves.
I never did find the pot of gold as a woman. I truly don't believe I will...
Simply because in the silent corners of my heart tells me different. I am who I am, but I don't believe I was put here on earth to be a man nor a woman. I'm just here....
I'm here for a purpose. Difficult soul said the "soul" is sexless. She was right.
Because the soul I'm in love with is that of my wife.
I love her neither as a man nor woman. There is no gender differentiation.
The silence tells me that I am here to be with her for eternity....
In this realm there is no gender.
I don't yet know how to find a common balance when I am fully awake and the silence fades away like the morning fog.
I will find a way to connect these two realms...
My logic is, when one passes away; that silence return for the final time....
It's then you take your final bow in life. What have you done? Who have you hurt? What have you destroyed?
There is still a chance to listen to the silence before you take your final bow and walk off the stage of life.
So as you lie down to slumber tonight, listen to your heart, put away your foolish pride and discern what the silence is telling you.
Because in the end, the silence has the final word.
The older we get, the days go by faster and faster with time marching on till your final breath.
And in my final breath I say, I love you.

You're welcome for the vid..

I really don't get you Scarbro'...

...one minute you are tearing the house down, the next you are posting beauty like that...

So I will say... Thankyou for sharing with me (us) 


Chrissty

Please dont ever give up whatever you do! It would just be a waste of another good woman!

Hey i will be 10 yrs post op in 2 days and i am still a celibate virgin.  (yes i have wet dreams) I went through the whole enchalada. FFS BAS GRS Electro hair transplants teeth capped etc etc etc and yes i look good but i want love not sex. I also love me and seek another (full time TS) like me be they male or female. So you may not be here and i may not be there but you have had a date with someone you desire, i haven't if thats any consolation.

Dear Scarborough,

Please don't take this the wrong way, but have you considered the possibility that you're suffering from bipolar disorder? Aka manic-depression? I have several bipolar friends, and some of the comments you made in your opening post reminded me of their experiences: mind racing, out of control, too much energy, wild, unexplained mood swings, ...

I wouldn't presume to diagnose you over the net, of course. But if I haven't pissed you off, try googling "Bipolar symptoms" and see if anything fits.

And if it doesn't fit, I'm sorry if I rattled your chain!

Quote from: MarySue on December 06, 2008, 09:15:12 PM
Dear Scarborough,

Please don't take this the wrong way, but have you considered the possibility that you're suffering from bipolar disorder? Aka manic-depression? I have several bipolar friends, and some of the comments you made in your opening post reminded me of their experiences: mind racing, out of control, too much energy, wild, unexplained mood swings, ...

I wouldn't presume to diagnose you over the net, of course. But if I haven't pissed you off, try googling "Bipolar symptoms" and see if anything fits.

And if it doesn't fit, I'm sorry if I rattled your chain!

It fits me and it was tougher before getting my testes removed. However, after 3 months HRT in may 1998  i knew i had to take that step asap to relive the stress from male sexuality which kept me on a rollercoaster of hell. Now i only function with true feelings of love and no thoughts of intimacy which to me is how a female functions sexually and intimately.

PS: I take no meds but i am bipolar with tons of energy but today it is put to positive use however, i do have to keep checking my motives for doing things spur of the moment when i get feelings of rejection which are mostly self created.

I know the struggles for trying to come to grips.  I fought so long that twice i tried to end the pain once and for all.  But the Goddess had other plans for me.  I am not sure what they may be, but she showed me how to end the pain of confusion, once and for all.

For me it was Transition.  I no longer fight with myself.  I am a woman and I am happy to be free.  I have things to do yet.  SRS, BA.  And someday may be even an SO.  Gender no longer matter in an SO, just love.

I know that it doesn't work for everyone, because of their circumstances,  but the best thing I could tell anyone is to let go.  Let go of the hate, let go of the fear, let go of what you may think others will say.  Let go and let the Goddess. 


Janet