I don't know if this is the right forum, so PLEASE forgive me if I put this in the wrong forum/sub-forum, and move it if it will prevent strife.

I've been debating heavily whether I should post this or not. The answer hits me hard at 3:00 A.M., and I am compelled to post this, so post away I will.

Today I was at my grandmother's house, and I was having a normal conversation with her (you know, the same kind of conversation ANYONE would have with thier grandmother) when the topic switched to me and my father. She started talking about how I was a "sweet and good" young man, and how my father was raising me to be a REAL man. I could see the (for lack of better words) pride in her face as she said it; but I almost felt like those words KILLED something in me. I wanted to express myself, but I knew better. At that moment, at her kitchen table, I felt a mix of sorrow, self-loathing, and disdain come over me, and I couldn't look her in the eyes (for fear she might see my emotions in my eyes.) I then realised HOW MUCH it would affect my immediate family, as well as how I would be viewed by them, my extended family, and the world in general.

I've seen topics similar to mine on the forum, so I know I'm not alone. Heck, in some cases, the results were near-catastrophic. But this is the first time I've ever felt anything this overwhelming from a simple sentance. I don't plan on changing my mission to become...my true self...in the future, but I'm sorta (again, for the first time) swept up in fear. I'm sick to my stomach, and it's set on my brain for HOURS now.

I just had to say something to someone, and you all are all I've got right now. I have more to say, but I won't...cause I'm sleepy. 

Thanks for listening.
With love, Pariah.

P.S. I don't feel I was as clear with some of my phrasing as I could have been, but I'm tired, so don't hold it against me if it's a bit confusing.

I totally understand what you are talking about.  My mom tells me almost every time I see her how much she always wanted a daughter, and how she fears that if she'd had a son she's afraid she would have been disappointed.  Every time she says it, I get this sinking feeling in my gut.  Sometimes I get so angry (hurt?) that I just want to lash out and say, "Well guess what?  You did have a son. You never had a daughter." And then I feel like a heel, because I know she means well.  But it makes it so hard to tell her the truth. *sigh*

Hunny

this is a very common reaction from family to be honest, if you put this to the vote it would be a no contest.

Family only see the person in front of them, my mum always said she was proud of her sons to me which is heartbreaking to say the least.

Once the truths out though and accepted its usually different.

even while talking directly about my transition my sister refers to me as "her beautiful little sis" - it's like, are you doing that on purpose XD or do you just not get it

Family pressure can effect ones view of themselfs.  I had to wait for my  parents to pass on before I "came out".  If I was 16-25 now with the current hum more open view of Transexuals, I'd have came out so much sooner.  But back in Savannah in the 60's and 70's ha or even today,  It would be unhealthy.

We each have to listen to our hearts to know how and when to be ourselfs.  For me anyway, it was SOOOOO much easier being me then to hide it all inside.

Beni

***HUGS***

This is not an easy burden to carry.  Please know that you are loved and cared about.

As people see that you are becoming your true self, perhaps they will come to understand that you are become truly happy.

Their expectations they have for you now is based on only those things external and those things you have let them see.  When you show them the truth they will come to understand.

-Sandy

*Hugs Pariah.*

I think it's normal for family to express that sort of thing for us. They're not doing it out of malice - they just have no idea how much it hurts.

Advice wise ... I have nothing. My mom and dad still sometimes refer to my old self even though they've known for three years now, and I've been transitioning for at least a year of that. It takes time hon, even when they're accepting and supportive, it's not so easy to let go the person they knew. Just be patient with them. It'll come.

~Simone.

Hon, I just posted this in another thread but I feel it is relevant to what you are feeling.

"Hi Aelita,

When I started active transitioning last year at 60 years old I would have believed anyone who said you are noit femmine enough or you are too manly. 30 Years ago I was denied transition by the Psychiatric folks because I was not femmine enough. It cost me all those years of gender angst and confusion til now also.

Guess what? One year later with HRT and diet and "ATTITUDE" I will be going full time in Jan-Feb as soon as the name change hearings get scheduled. I am a female, always have been, always will be and just happened to get stuck in a wrong body. And Pssst, Im 6' 0" tall 195 and am passing, no I am being myself.

Dont let the naysayers ever talk you into believing you are not who you believe yourself to be. Its who YOU believe yourself to be that counts. Never again will this girl fall for others beliefs"

You see, I allowed myself to fall into that trap, guilt I should not have had to endure. I let myself be deceived into believing that I could not ever transition which caused me to started building walls with guilt and a belief system that I would be hurting others if I did. I found that eventually even with all that I tried to do to contain it, it would only come back stronger each time over the years until I could no longer survive without it.

While yes, I raised my family and I love them dearly the cost was too high a price to have to pay and here I am doing the exact thing I tried so very hard to prevent, just to avoid hurting my family. I have lost half my family anyway.
Follow your heart, its the only way you will find a measure of peace. Hugs and my love to you Dear.

Wendy

Quote from: Wendy C on December 11, 2008, 08:48:09 PM
Hon, I just posted this in another thread but I feel it is relevant to what you are feeling.

"Hi Aelita,

When I started active transitioning last year at 60 years old I would have believed anyone who said you are noit femmine enough or you are too manly. 30 Years ago I was denied transition by the Psychiatric folks because I was not femmine enough. It cost me all those years of gender angst and confusion til now also.

Guess what? One year later with HRT and diet and "ATTITUDE" I will be going full time in Jan-Feb as soon as the name change hearings get scheduled. I am a female, always have been, always will be and just happened to get stuck in a wrong body. And Pssst, Im 6' 0" tall 195 and am passing, no I am being myself.

Dont let the naysayers ever talk you into believing you are not who you believe yourself to be. Its who YOU believe yourself to be that counts. Never again will this girl fall for others beliefs"

You see, I allowed myself to fall into that trap, guilt I should not have had to endure. I let myself be deceived into believing that I could not ever transition which caused me to started building walls with guilt and a belief system that I would be hurting others if I did. I found that eventually even with all that I tried to do to contain it, it would only come back stronger each time over the years until I could no longer survive without it.

While yes, I raised my family and I love them dearly the cost was too high a price to have to pay and here I am doing the exact thing I tried so very hard to prevent, just to avoid hurting my family. I have lost half my family anyway.
Follow your heart, its the only way you will find a measure of peace. Hugs and my love to you Dear.

Wendy

I've been all over these forums as of late, and I am almost sure I read that post. My brain is a little sizzled, so I can't be sure. 

Thank you all for your kind words and loving support. I feel I should make it absolutely clear that my plans are not turning around; however, I HAVE postponed everything in light of some of the things I have just read. A bit of introspection gave me the confidence to say with 100% certainty there's NOT something wrong with me, and my feeling are just as valid as anyone elses. It would be hazardous for me to go through with anything without being more self prepared for independance of my family, but emotionaly I am sure I could handle come-what-may. I'm positive my mother would be 100% supportive of me, but the sad fact is she kinda...walked out on me, and since my parents were never married...long story short, the ONE person I could turn to can't help me, and doesn't REALLY want anything to do with me.

I didn't expect the words of others to affect me so much, even when not pertaining to my yet-unrevealed secret. My birthday was just this past Saturday. With that, for the first time in a while, I got depressed enough were someone noticed. Another year passed, and another year of NOTHING changing; still the same OLD foreign me, and no one knew what was going on in my heart.

Thanks to all of you again! I can't express HOW MUCH of a load off it is to finally release some of the many emotions bottled up inside of me. 

I know how you feel What you said couldn't explain better how I feel right now.
My parents have always known really but I came out to them as in the wrong body over a year ago now and still I have to hide my real self from everyone. I just can't be who I feel I truly am because of others. It's killing me more than ever right now.
Hearing those kinds of things are destroying. Pretending that those things are fine just to please the ones you love is even more destroying.
I know that whenever I talk to my grandmother she's like when will you bring a boyfriend home, when will you have kids etc and she's really only wanting what's best for me I guess. Like you, I see how happy she is. Inside I'm like bursting to say how I really feel but on the outside I just can't do it because I know how it will affect my parents and her and the rest of the people around me. It's like you can't win whatever you do eh?

Quote from: StuckInTheMiddle on December 12, 2008, 06:48:14 PM
I know how you feel What you said couldn't explain better how I feel right now.
My parents have always known really but I came out to them as in the wrong body over a year ago now and still I have to hide my real self from everyone. I just can't be who I feel I truly am because of others. It's killing me more than ever right now.
Hearing those kinds of things are destroying. Pretending that those things are fine just to please the ones you love is even more destroying.
I know that whenever I talk to my grandmother she's like when will you bring a boyfriend home, when will you have kids etc and she's really only wanting what's best for me I guess. Like you, I see how happy she is. Inside I'm like bursting to say how I really feel but on the outside I just can't do it because I know how it will affect my parents and her and the rest of the people around me. It's like you can't win whatever you do eh?

It seems like that...but sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees. Even if I'm trying not to blow up at someone after the tension rises every now and again, I always remember what I've learned from my family. "It either gets better or worse-nothing ever stays the same."

And if the culminated trouble of everything isn't bad enough, I have religion to contend with. I have been raised to consider how whatever I do, how anything I do, will impact my soul. Although, as I grow older, I begin to realise that you have to intepret everything for yourself. Still, I worry that coming out will devastate my family AS WELL AS excommunicate me from family blessings...and then there's the whole...ugh! My brain hurts.