So... I went home yesterday to visit my family, to talk and try and work some things out. I guess it was a mistake.
The only thing my parents want, is to convince me how big a mistake this is... how i had a mental break down and thought i was a girl, and how this has only come about since university. (Totally ignoring my claims i felt this way from an early age despite masculine behavior as a child, and my chromosomal sex)
My sister is a fething little nazi... a first year religion and philosophy student, she has made it clear in no uncertain terms, she hates my guts.... and something about ->-bleeped-<-gots and hell...

My dad wont talk to me in more than single word phrases, and my mother thinks its in my best interests to be a boy, and how I've ruined the family with my 'breakdown'.

She claims my mannerisms are camp, and that despite my claims that I'm living stealth (i am) that everyone i know or meet KNOWS I'm REALLY a man, and just doesn't say either out of politeness or lack of interest.
I apparently THINK I'm transsexual / IS because i had a mental breakdown as a teenager because i was bullied...

apparently... Being introverted, a loner, bullied, having no friends, and  feeling you were born in the wrong body as a teen is normal, and just means you are growing up, not at all maybe actually a fething girl?

They want me to see a psychiatrist... i need psycho therapy.... to be 'cured' of my mental break down and be their handsome son again.

All i hoped i might gain, all the hope they let me build up over the last few months is ruined. The money they flashed around at home made me feel sick... flat screen TVs in each room, laptops and desktops each, new everything, and even my little sister has a car THEY bought her.... I hate to sound like I'm jealous, but when I'm starving most weeks and cant afford warm winter clothes, it really makes me want to cry.

I'm sorry i wrote this long rant, I'm just so upset right now, and needed to get things out. I hope i don't depress people.

No, honey, you have a right to be P.O.ed. 

aww I'm sorry hon. that's got to be tough. *big nero hug*

That's terrible, SB! Sadly, I don't think there's much you can do to "convince" them, since their minds are apparently made up already. Even "living well" probably won't do much, at least not immediately... but it may wear down their defenses and denial over time perhaps.

FWIW, I get the "everyone i know or meet KNOWS I'm REALLY a man" thing from nearly everyone who knew me from before. In their case, they aren't being mean necessarily, they just don't see it for whatever reason.

Anyways, so sorry... maybe in time...

~Kate~

Well Star you pretty much summed up my life up to age 24.

You know what? I survived. I not only  survived, I THRIVED! SRS/transition at 24 (with my own money), lost my family and home town completely and started all over again with nothing but ME.

I built a new life, in a new place, with new friends, a career, and the whole bit. Many people think I am "amazing" but - you know what? - they don't even know where I started! If they knew about my childhood, they would really be floored.

And I was 24 nearly 35 years ago! I wouldn't trade my life for anybody's now!

***hugs***

wow....the things I have to look forward to

I like what Jane said, most of the people who - for whatever reason - sort of walked away from their family, or the other way around, have ended up being pretty successful and content.  That it was hard just prepared them for the rest of the stuff, that turns out to be hard also.  An easy life as it turns out is a handicap. 

And not all families are like that, however most I read about seem to be.

O, so sorry, Starbuck. I know that with the built-up hopes it must be a devastating letdown to which you are entitled all the rage and feelings you can come up with!

People who've known you "like forever," and especially parents and sibs who aren't supportive anyway are gonna very often give you the raft of crap they're giving you. No evidence to the contrary moves them and they will rest assured that you are just plain ole miserable whatever you say.

But, tekla and Jane both make great points, especially for someone your age and in uni, etc already. Hon, you've a life to live for you. Yes, it would be nice to have the comforts of home, but you've got the comofrt and ability of you and those who care about you.

Have your rage, cry, rant, spite, whetever. You've earned it. And then just write it off as a hard-lesson learned again and go git 'em!! You are most certainly capable of pulling off an outstanding and fulfilling life: with 'em or without 'em.

Nichole

Gee, isnt it funny how everyone else knows who and what you are INSIDE and you apparently dont. Ya gotta just love that mentality. Be yourself, love yourself, and dont let anybody tell you who are! Hang in there and good luck.

I'm so sorry to hear that, Rachael.  Perhaps it would be a good idea for your parents to go to therapy with you so that they can get their bubbles burst and LEARN that this is neither a  *phase* nor *part of growing up*. 



tink

I'm so sorry Rachael. The people we want and need most in our lives can be the most unbelievably cruel as well. And one can't even say they'll come around. They've had time, you've stood on your own and lived your life well, and yeah, it goes ignored and unnoticed. I don't know what to say but for you to live your life well. Perhaps in years to come, when you're happy and successful, and your life isn't the disaster they expected, they might come around, but don't count on it honey. You will eventually find people who love and accept you for you. I'm sure you have already, but they will keep coming. The "family you choose", so to speak.

Ignore your sister. Unless she comes around by herself, she's lost forever to the Dark Side. My brother was a member of Rhema Church (THE evangelists here in South Africa) for a long time, and I thought that I would lose him, but something happened that made him change his heart on many things. I hope the same happens for you with your family.

Big Hugs,

~Simone.

Its so confusing... when i say how much happyer i am as i am.... my mum claims i clearly dont want the family if im so happy... but when i say that that really upsets me... she says its because of the girl thing... i cant win!
As for the bubble tink... they refuse point blank to go to therapy themselves or with me... apparently they are fine, its just me.... I think they actively dont want any chance they are proven wrong.

Quote from: Starbuck on December 12, 2008, 11:22:57 AMthey refuse point blank to go to therapy themselves or with me... apparently they are fine, its just me.... I think they actively dont want any chance they are proven wrong.

->-bleeped-<-lets. Couldn't you get them to go to a relationship therapist with you? Perhaps they'll go for the "There's a breakdown in communication" talk?

~Simone.

If it were me I wouldn't give up hope, but would stay away from them for awhile and move on with my life, hoping that one day they would come around to at least some sort of tolerance, or better. I found that I can't fight people's opinions, when it comes to the (thankfully few) people in my life that don't accept me. Best wishes and in the meantime *hugs*

Quote from: aubrey on December 15, 2008, 10:56:15 PM
If it were me I wouldn't give up hope, but would stay away from them for awhile and move on with my life, hoping that one day they would come around to at least some sort of tolerance, or better.

Great advice.
Leave them be; eventually they'll realise that someone will have to pay for their funerals and they'll start being nice again.

I wish just one person who gave me the advice the last two did ever considered how HARD that is for someone who grew up as part of a close family and pretty much has nobody else... maybe not.

Hi Starbuck hon

Well my experience with family was very much the same as Northern Jane,

It took two years before the people in the little town of Midland Ontario pop 16000 people began to accept me and by the end of the third year I was completely integrated into the population.

Family? well my transsexuality was reason enough to disown me. I didn't mess with family after that, I had enough of making a living and surviving to worry about, although I would be a liar if I were to say that I didn't shed many tears for the loss of family. But unfortunately thus far I have found that if you are transsexual you may as well tell them you have leprosy or some shuch thing. At least my family didn't try to find a cure for my leprosy outside of some post cards during holliday seasons with pictures of saints, the Virgin Mary and Jesus. 

During the first two years of my living full time I integrated quite well with the town folks and didn't only retain most of my old friends but also made new ones. I was also well accepted on the job. Although I was quite aware that most people knew who I was but they respected me for who I presented. No one gave me any dander in any way from then on. I was a social worker who was good at her job, helping those in need. The girls I worked with, both new and old all treated me like I was one of them.

But still when the opportunity for Wing Walker and I came along for us to move to Vancouver BC, we did so. We had the money and we had the means and we just pulled up stakes and left. There isn't a soul here that know about my pass, Wing Walker has had her surgery over a month ago now and we are both looking forward to go back working at the local woman's shelter.

I left a life time of accumulated good friends behind. A area of people I knew from all the way from Sudbury to Toronto Ontario. I love socialising and I love yapping it up with folks. I chose to come here to start a new life, and so far I'm enjoying it and again building up a pretty good size group of new friends.

Just be smart hon and stay and finish university then ya can give the whole darned place the two middle fickled fingers of fate and just disappear.

Cindy

Quote from: Starbuck on December 16, 2008, 12:29:04 AM
I wish just one person who gave me the advice the last two did ever considered how HARD that is for someone who grew up as part of a close family and pretty much has nobody else... maybe not.

I know what you mean. The thought of my family ever abandoning me ... Goddess I can't even contemplate it. 

~Simone.

Hi Hon

Family and family love is something we all cherish. Some times however it's not returneing and it can make people bitter. In my case my sister accepted my MtF with no issues, my parents couldn't. Until the day they died (sadly) I was always Peter, at the table my sister would call me Cindy. I was dressed femme, and look femme but M&D would still call me Peter. Strange. I think your sister is being precious ( and maybe jealous?) it may be worth if possible asking her to therapy, if she can get on the train it would help. Maybe she is influencing M&D. Don't give in. The one thing that TG people have is no alternative. We did not choose to be this way, who in XXX name would ask for what we go through. It's not for fun, it's because we are what we are. I don't kicks wearing femmine clothing, a lie I do but it's not a sexual kick, it's because I like how I look. It's the same for you and for all of us, MtF or FtM we don't have an option. Or the option is misery greater than that we live in.

Keep loviing and living for the moment
LoL
Cindy James.

Whose birthday is 1st Jan so I grant a public holiday

XXXX 

Quote from: Starbuck on December 16, 2008, 12:29:04 AM... how HARD that is for someone who grew up as part of a close family ....

I grew up in a rural area and "family" was more than just blood. Family was aunts uncles, cousins, friends of the family, the parents of kids I grew up with, and more. "Home" wasn't just a house but was the whole community of people who knew each other.

My "problem" was evident early - like obvious by puberty - but my only real source of grief was my adopted mother who REFUSED to cut me any slack and constantly berated me for "inappropriate behaviour" - the berating was primarily emotional and verbal abuse. Nobody else much cared and so of accepted me as being "odd".

Now my adopted Mom NEVER lost an argument or a fight so, when she couldn't "beat it out of me", she gave up and by my mid-teens she just ignored it hoping it would go away. She wouldn't go in my bedroom (which was so obviously a girl's room), she never commented on the girl-things that showed up in the laundry (she would launder them and return them to my bed LOL!) or if I showed up at the breakfast table with the remains of Friday night's makeup and hairdo. She was a master ignorer! If she could have changed me, she would have because I didn't fit what SHE wanted.

SRS suddenly became a possibility when I was 24. It had been an impossible dream up until then so when it was possible, there was no doubt in my mind that I HAD to go. I told my mother - she said no - I told her I had been suicidal for years - she said it would be better if I killed myself - I said I was going anyway, that I HAD to go - she said if I walked out that door, I was never to come back, never to return to my hometown, and never to have contact with anyone from there. I walked out. I had no choice.

24 years of living was reduced to a suitcase and a bank draft but I could not allow HER to take MY future away from me - no matter what lay ahead, it was mine and I had to take ownership of it. I was giving up everything I had ever known, every friend I ever had, my sister, my 'support network', my security of always having a place to stay and friends around me, but none of that mattered if I was not ME.

The "me" that I found, by becoming who I truly was, was WAY beyond anything I had ever dreamed! I was more in every way, more than I expected. If I (before) had been able to see me (after) I would have been totally  blown away!

Life went on, got a whole lot better - new friends, new places, new 'extended families', and best of all these were people who saw all of me, the true me, and loved me for who I was, not who they wanted me to be.

At age 40 (MANY years after transition) I had the opportunity to meet my birth mother. Of course I had to explain to her why she would be meeting a daughter so that was done by letter. You  know what? She didn't miss a beat, she didn't hesitate for a second. We went on to have a lovely relationship and she never once mentioned my medical problem - her love transcended that and she was happy for my happiness.

Meanwhile, my adopted Mom who never accepted my "change" languished in her close-mindedness. She was a very superficial person and I know how much it must have pained her to NOT be able to brag about me as I became so successful in life. She couldn't brag because she wouldn't acknowledge the person I was. She died a few months ago as a lonely old woman with little joy in her life but she ended up there by her own stubbornness.

A few years ago my sister, with whom I had been close in my teens, contacted me and I found out that the reason she had never called before was that our mom said that I was the one who wanted no contact with the family - she LIED to my sister! Well it didn't take us long to patch that up and we are now close again.

I also realized, when I found out what my adopted mother had been doing, that she had no right to make demands for other people (that I not contact anyone from my past) and then LIE to people and say that I was the one who didn't want contact! I DID contact a number of people I knew when I was growing up and about 1/3 of them have become 'casual penpals' - about what you would expect from friends you lost touch with decades ago.

So, my "bottom line" is that YOU have to make the decisions that effect your own life and you have to make them from your own heart. Those who truly love you will support you (even if they may be reluctant initially) and will always be there for you. If they can NOT support your decision, they are NOT even your friend![/i]

It is better to walk alone than to crawl among people who will not lift you up.