Hi all,

The question I have been wondering for the last few days is if I have mistaken my gender. I except that many things I have done in the past is consistent with being a female gender but to actually accept that I have fooled myself for 36 years because I have a male body is something I can not do at this stage. I am confused about my true gender and I think I am still a male even though the program within my head keeps saying 'You are a TS woman'.

I have not being feeling practically feminine lately but I still notice what all the girls are wearing and when I can get close enough if they have their ears pieced. A few months ago I was sooo close to getting my ears pieced. I have been feeling like myself after a couple of days taking it easy but I do not know if that feeling masculine.


Alice

Therapy is the best place to address this, but I do not think it is all that unusual no matter where you end up in the spectrum.

I have what I call my aggressive days.  I used to call it feeling male but that never really captured the actual feeling.  On the flip side I have other days where I am hyper feminine in all that I do.  I have even been accused of slinking around at work by a coworker who picked up on the shift one day. 

What does a boy feel like inside? What does a girl feel like inside? I really truly do not know.

But I do know what I feel like inside. ... That waking up each day to hell was the pits you know? ... That intangible unknown want gnawed at me, constantly. Testosterone was a poison to me I did not recognise until it was gone.

I can say what it is like to not feel at home in one's own skin however. The bulge where there shouldn't be and the realization of never being rid of that until death very nearly planted me. That hurt SO much. ... It is not fun to hide from yourself, an even less fun to be forced to do so for the sake of survival.


^*shrug* I still like to do the same things I did before. I still think the same way. An yet, life is better. MUCH better, for me.

I generally do not like to suggest it but a prescribed trial period of HRT will probably answer your dilemma without doubt.
Another thought, could you identify as genderqueer/bi-gender perhaps?


^*hug* Hang in there you!

Alice,

As someone who repressed what I can see now from memory my true gender was I can truly commiserate with you.  When I finally realized it I felt like my whole self-definition was lost - that my self-identity was a complete fraud, even to myself.  It is a horrible feeling.

Over the past 11 months I have had to rebuild my idea of who and what I am.  A difficult proposition because my discovery turns out to be that I'm something that the majority of people don't understand and disapprove of, the first of whom was my wife.  It will be a tough road for you, I think, before you can be reasonably certain.

That said, though, I must add that it will be very valuable for you to go through this.  If you think guidance would help, by all means speak to your therapist about it.  He/she can point out things that maybe you haven't realized or given enough emotional weight to and "point your eyes" at the relevant facts that you may be too involved to recognize.  One of the most effective techniques for me has been to imagine how I would feel and what I would do if there were no constraints, social, familial or otherwise, to keep me from doing it.  This has taught me the difference between how I really feel and what I think I'm "supposed" to feel.

Good luck with this, hon'.  I feel for you and wish you the best.
helen

Quote from: Alice on July 02, 2006, 05:35:49 AM
Hi all,

The question I have been wondering for the last few days is if I have mistaken my gender. I except that many things I have done in the past is consistent with being a female gender but to actually accept that I have fooled myself for 36 years because I have a male body is something I can not do at this stage. I am confused about my true gender and I think I am still a male even though the program within my head keeps saying 'You are a TS woman'.

I have not being feeling practically feminine lately but I still notice what all the girls are wearing and when I can get close enough if they have their ears pieced. A few months ago I was sooo close to getting my ears pieced. I have been feeling like myself after a couple of days taking it easy but I do not know if that feeling masculine.


Alice

Alice,

Talking with someone who specializes in GID would be a major benefit.  Sorting out the truth is hard when you are in the middle of it.  A good counselor acts like a mirror and helps you understand the subtle nuiances of your personality. 

Chaunte

I have to agree with LIT and Kimberly.  Some days I feel very feminine, some days I feel more masculine and some days I just feel like cr*p.  I think all females feel like that.  However, no matter how I feel, I always identify as female.

I think you are very wise to keep questioning your conclusions and not just jump to one label thinking it may be the answer.  It sounds like you do truly want to figure out what your best course is so that you can be happy in life.  For me, I knew I was TS, but I wanted to be absolutely sure before starting permanent physical changes to my body, because I knew transition would not be fun.  I did a lot of research on my own as well as seeing therapists and doing a few trial outings as female and after a couple months, I was absolutely sure.  I then started hormones and I would have to say that I feel more complete now (especially when living as female) than I ever thought possible living as male.

Melissa

Quote from: Melissa on July 02, 2006, 11:53:09 AM
I have to agree with LIT and Kimberly.  Some days I feel very feminine, some days I feel more masculine and some days I just feel like cr*p.  I think all females feel like that.  However, no matter how I feel, I always identify as female.

A great point!

Alice, I think that if you search for "evidence" or external validation of your "true gender" you're going to find yourself chasing a ghost. We all do things which in hindsight could be labelled masculine or feminine, and yet what we DO doesn't necessarily define who we ARE - or how we feel inside.

You already *know* who you are. You just have to believe it... to trust. Believe me, I KNOW it's difficult, as it's so intangible, a leap of faith. And yet, the reason it's so difficult to see is precisely *because* it's so intrinsic, it IS you. The eye trying to see itself.

Hi Alice,
I agree with Helen and Kate and therapy will help. I am what I call a late bloomer. And I had to come to terms with the conclusion that my former self-identity was a lie. 55 before I  began to realized what I have done to myself; becoming what others wanted me to be instead of who I really was.
Yes it is a rough ride now but I do feel more alive than I ever remember being.

Oh and some CDer seem to have both a male side and a female side. They can be happy in the male role for a time but then need to express there female side by dressing up or something. This cycle back and forth seems to be all that they need.

We are with you Alice. Keep posting and we will try to help.

Jillieann 

I constantly flip flop with what I associate has "male thoughts an emotions" and "female thoughts & emotions"
Yes I have both
sometimes I think like a male (mostly while fixing stuff like my car, or when I need to be agreessive, or I see an incredibly attractive woman)
and At times I fell "overly" feminine (like when a man is showing me attention and sometimes I get this stupid lil school girl cutesy attitude) Yuck!

I don't think you need a therapist to sort yourself out or for validation...truthfully whats wrong with having traits, thoughts and feelings of both sexes?
I need no validation to know what I am... I need only validation of myself to know I draw on both sides of the sexes in different situations or on different days in order for me to make it through that situation or day.....
sometimes FOR ME its just a matter of knowing that for a brief length of time in my life I fooled myself into thinking I was male so old habits die hard so maybe just maybe on a day or two or for an hour I backslide into that mode...Social programming can definitly be a bytch to purge completly from one's system.

Or maybe you do need therapy But before you do go off to a session look at why, when, where, you feel your gender mistaken...I think you may find it makes purrfectly logical sense to you!

If not please take me with you because I may be insane

Chynna

Hi all,

Thanks all to your great replys. I do think it will help me to speak to a gender specillist to sort out my feelings and the program in my head. It has also been interesting that many people have days when they feel feminie and other days they feel masculine. I have been still feeling like myself of late which is good and I suppose the next big thing that will happen is once my flat mate leaves and how I will react. I have not been dressing latly and I am feeling fairly calm. I just hope and I can keep it like this.

Quote from: HelenW on July 02, 2006, 09:55:35 AM
Alice,

As someone who repressed what I can see now from memory my true gender was I can truly commiserate with you.  When I finally realized it I felt like my whole self-definition was lost - that my self-identity was a complete fraud, even to myself.  It is a horrible feeling.

Over the past 11 months I have had to rebuild my idea of who and what I am.  A difficult proposition because my discovery turns out to be that I'm something that the majority of people don't understand and disapprove of, the first of whom was my wife.  It will be a tough road for you, I think, before you can be reasonably certain.

That said, though, I must add that it will be very valuable for you to go through this. 

Thanks Helen, It is probably a process that I have started and I hope it does not take to long. I am starting to question how I should act and when I should dress - it is so confussing.

Quote from: Kate on July 02, 2006, 03:25:22 PM
A great point!

Alice, I think that if you search for "evidence" or external validation of your "true gender" you're going to find yourself chasing a ghost. We all do things which in hindsight could be labelled masculine or feminine, and yet what we DO doesn't necessarily define who we ARE - or how we feel inside.

You already *know* who you are. You just have to believe it... to trust. Believe me, I KNOW it's difficult, as it's so intangible, a leap of faith. And yet, the reason it's so difficult to see is precisely *because* it's so intrinsic, it IS you. The eye trying to see itself.

Hmm, I am not sure I *know* to much as I am questioning all of my previous assumptions. Maybe after I chase those ghost for a while I will start to believe.


Alice

You can get your ears pierced. Doesnt take a psychologist/psychiatrist to write any letters, nor doctor's permission. Both men and women get ears pierced. Women normally get the better earrings I must say though. I dont regret mine only hard part is if you have a job that wont allow you to wear them. I took a week off when I got mine, and after that, I could got 9 hours without it closing up, though it wasnt completely healed till about a month or so. Getting my ears pierced openned my world to endless earrings, which I love. And if you ever decide you dont like earrings, you can let them close up. If you are going masculine mode a lot, get some male studs.

Getting earrings is something for all people, not just women. Though you can do a whole lot more than clip ons; much more. And will open the door to dangling ones and great designs from small to hoop, etc.

I got my earrings before I was ever out and wore them all the time; even at work.  I just got some earrings that would work as male or female.  If you don't like them, you can take them out and the holes will close up.

Melissa

I also have my ears pierced and still present as male 99.999999% of the time.
I got my ears pierced on vacation then I found a set of piercing retainers that were VERY hard to see and after keeping the piercing studs in a few days I switched over to the retainers so I could go to work (military is not a earring friendly place).

I say if you want your ears pierced GO FOR IT.  As Kendra said, real earrings can be lots of fun.

Oh and in case you are wondering,
I got the retainers from http://piercingnet.com.au/rossan/skin/index.html  Item #23
Email them, they are great to work with.  I don't remember how much but they were pretty cheap.