Brother in Law and Cousin in Law (who were emailed in prep for their arrival--no response) are here and there's been lots of conversation in the house.... til I walk in the room and they clam up. I try to shoot the breeze--monosyllabic responses. Overhearing enough of the conversation that, combined with silence when they see me, I know what's up. And always the hated pronoun... or this gem from Mom In Law, right in front of Cousin:

"Thank you ma'am. Or Sir. Whatever you are*. Thank you (name)."

But of course, diplomacy is necessity...


Anyone else feel like the freak at the show this week? Dealing with stares and silence? How do you keep your cool?

Thx


*also conveniently enough an abuse trigger.

If it's your house, I'd kick their sorry asses out if I were you.
You shouldn't tolerate that bull.

Quote from: Vexing on December 23, 2008, 04:23:24 PM
If it's your house, I'd kick their sorry asses out if I were you.
You shouldn't tolerate that bull.

It's not my house.

Start calling them by the male or female versions of their names with the wrong pronouns.  Should get the message across.


Jay

Quote from: sneakersjay on December 23, 2008, 05:23:11 PM
Start calling them by the male or female versions of their names with the wrong pronouns.  Should get the message across.


Jay

Yeah, I just worry about the anger that would engender. Tetanus had a good point when he mentioned that I am probably the first person with Harry Benjamin's that they've met, and you know how that goes. I don't want to reflect poorly on my brethren and sistren... i just want to be normal. Instead I feel really Othered for something in which I have little-to-no choice... at least if I want my child to have their parents...

Serve spiked Eggnog. 

Janet

Quote from: Janet Lynn on December 23, 2008, 06:03:22 PM
Serve spiked Eggnog. 

Janet

You know, some men just can't handle their arsenic...

Quote from: iFindMeHere link=topic=52286.msg322965#msg322965
You know, some men just can't handle their arsenic...

Nothing that drastic, my dear.  Just stool softener...

nah i don't even want to do that. I just want to live without being othered. It's hard enough as it is to stay alive for my husband and daughter...

If my family treated me like that i would disown them.

My family has disowned me. I am spared the awkwardness of being among them for the holidays-- because they won't allow me to visit them. They have banished me from their lives altogether. I tried as long as I could to maintain kinship ties with them, but they want nothing to do with me any more. So I've done a lot of work on letting go. I still have more grieving to get through.

Quote from: iFindMeHere on December 23, 2008, 05:25:57 PM

Quote from: sneakersjay on December 23, 2008, 05:23:11 PM
Start calling them by the male or female versions of their names with the wrong pronouns.  Should get the message across.


Jay

Yeah, I just worry about the anger that would engender. Tetanus had a good point when he mentioned that I am probably the first person with Harry Benjamin's that they've met, and you know how that goes. I don't want to reflect poorly on my brethren and sistren... i just want to be normal. Instead I feel really Othered for something in which I have little-to-no choice... at least if I want my child to have their parents...

You might just have to do it once to make your point.  They may realize (or you can point out) that their comments are disrespectful.  That all you're asking is that they TRY and you realize mistakes will be made out of habit, but if they're truly TRYING you'll understand.

And go from there.

My ex called me she today to my kids (I was down the hall; he didn't see me).  I'm sure it was out of habit as he does call me Jay in emails and on the phone.

Jay

oh, i'm wrong to be upset about this. I should "control my emotions" and "forget about the gender i think i am and just be." (emphasis mine)

1. I AM controlling myself. I am ready to punch every single one of you and scream at you and call you the opposite gender in the nastiest tone i can.

2. HOW CAN I FORGET ABOUT IT WHEN YOU KEEP SHOVING IT IN MY FACE?

3. Excuse me, i am hard to be around because of this? really? Judd Nelson comes to mind.

"YOU, dad. WHAT. ABOUT. YOU. F---! YOU!"

I would tell them the holiday is for sharing goodwill and love, then tell them you're going to be with someone who will, and say 'goodbye, folks, have a nice time'.

I wouldn't let them trash me to my face.
Bev

Quote from: iFindMeHere on December 23, 2008, 05:25:57 PM
i just want to be normal. Instead I feel really Othered for something in which I have little-to-no choice... at least if I want my child to have their parents...

What is the little-to-no choice here?  You can PM me if you want.  I have kids and an ex-h.  Feel free to contact me.  Or post here if you're comfortable.

Jay

Quote from: sneakersjay on December 24, 2008, 10:47:47 PM

What is the little-to-no choice here?  You can PM me if you want.  I have kids and an ex-h.  Feel free to contact me.  Or post here if you're comfortable.

Jay

oh the whole process of fixing my hormone problem lol

OH AND COUSIN CALLED ME HE <3

Today my 3-year-old grandson called me "she" even though it annoys everyone else; they have tried to teach him to call me "he"-- but my grandson is smart and he knows better. Little kids haven't learned to be inhibited yet, they speak the open honest truth as they see it. It's perfectly obvious to him that I'm a woman.

That's awesome Hyp.

Cousin is 31.

Quote from: iFindMeHere on December 25, 2008, 12:48:59 AM
That's awesome Hyp.

Cousin is 31.

Go, cousin!

And as far as your hormone problem

QuoteInstead I feel really Othered for something in which I have little-to-no choice... at least if I want my child to have their parents...

-- you can't take T and be a parent to your kids?  I'm missing something.

Quote from: sneakersjay on December 25, 2008, 11:15:47 AM

Quote from: iFindMeHere on December 25, 2008, 12:48:59 AM
That's awesome Hyp.

Cousin is 31.

Go, cousin!

I Know!

Quote from: sneakersjay on December 25, 2008, 11:15:47 AM
And as far as your hormone problem

Quote from: iFindMeHere on December 25, 2008, 12:48:59 AMInstead I feel really Othered for something in which I have little-to-no choice... at least if I want my child to have their parents...

-- you can't take T and be a parent to your kids?  I'm missing something.

The reason I'm transitioning instead of just killing myself is because I owe it to my kid to stay alive as best I can. The Othered thing has more to do with my in-laws, with whom we live. See, they have very gender-specific ways of relating to people and so they constantly try to cast me in the female role. Example quote from MomInLaw: "You are always going to be (Medium Thing)'s mother. I can't change that."

I have not a mothering bone in my body (no pelvis jokes folks!). I mean.... I tried breastfeeding and never got beyond colostrum after 3 months!