Are you alive or do you just exist?
I don't know of any answer to this except that if I wanted to live, and not just exist from day to day, but to **live.** To be me, no more deceiving myself and playing some poopy-assed game, but to be **truly happy** with me, and live as me to be part of others of the **same gender/sex, cisgendered females.** Because that is where I belonged, that is where I always belonged.
I never considered myself to be the male sex, although I had to play the poopy-assed role of male because my physical body pretty well dictated that this was what I was supposed to be. That was what I was raised and conditioned to think what I was supposed to be, but it **never felt right.** All that misery because of that cursed thing between my legs. Once I made up my mind that I wanted to be me, **the real me,** not a herd of elephants nor the Titanic full of family and friends could have stopped me from crossing that line, and once I did it felt right.
That fence stuff I believe will only add to your misery and depression and anxiety will only grow worse. In the end if you wish to not just survive, like a chair, or some other piece of furniture , or some beat up animal whimpering in the corner **but to truly live,** you will have to get off the fence and walk proud and straight in the direction your instincts desire for you to go. How you choose to do this is the decision only you can make.
When I made my decision it was on a Friday and I went into see my administrator at my work and told her my plans. Saturday I put all my male clothes in a couple of garbage bags and went to Salvation Army and exchanged them for one bag full of women's clothes.
Monday I went into work dressed in the appropriate clothing. "Goodness gracious, pass?
" "Hell no!!!!" This was about a month and a half before I even started HRT. I stuck it out, I did my job, probably more effectively than I did before, and I had more friends than I ever had before. The mental health recipients I worked with trusted me even more than they did before. Well the women did, but the guys came around after while as well.
That's my story, in a little town of 16000
My sister and the rest of my family, except my two daughters, had all disowned me, like I didn't exist anymore, well to tell the truth if that's the way they want to be then be it, ""f..ck them!!!" "I am doing this for me, it's my survival, it's my life, and I am not about to crawl in a corner to die for anyone else." "They claim they love you? Then demand they prove it." I want to live, you have two choices, like it or lump it.
Cindy
