Righteo here we go...
(Cheers 4 the message Selene, it wierdly give the 'balls' to write this!)
Firstly ive never said any of this to any one, i even avoid thinking it that way it may not be true. I aint going to try and make sense of whats in my head, my heart, my feelings as i dont have a chance im simply going to write down the thoughts as they happen in my head, therefore this probably wont make sense too you, if it does please explain it too me.
Im scared of these thoughts, they terrify me to the bone. ive hidden from them for so long its near impossible to face them.
Im 22, male. Im quite small with a slim frame. i obviously look like a boy (by the way, if i use the words boy or girl i mean adults not kids, its just i like the sound of the words, they make me feel good (wierd i know)). I like being a boy, i do, i like doing the man things, but i have this emptyness, dissappointment, a feeling of almost 'not being human', im not happy with myself.
I like playing the boy but i also really really really like thinking of myself as a girl, im happier (or what i percieve to be happyness) when i am being submissive when i basically act like a girl (always on my own in private never in public). I like hugging my teddy sat on my bed, i like standing like a girl, sitting like a girl etc. ...already im confused!
My past...
Ive never fit in, ive always been the person to prefer being on my own. I got bullied when i was younger at school, dont want to get into the details but what this tought me was i had to hide myself from the world in order to get through life and not get hurt. so i changed, i became a different me, i had confidence, i didnt back down, i made alot of friends some good and some bad. i learnt alot and for a while i thought this was me. turns out i was just hiding whats always been there... i think. Ive had 3 girlfriends, each of them i really enjoyed being with, but the times i was most happy with these was when i was being held by them, when i was laying on them basically when i sneaked a bit of submissive behavouir into the situation.
When i was young (about 5-12 yrs) i always played with the girls, got alot of stick from my male friends but i enjoyed playing with the girls, i do remember once when i was staying at a friends house i looked at her and the pink pj's she was wearing and i cried, didnt tell her why but it was because i was jealous, because i wanted long hair, i wanted the pink room, i wanted the pj's. i have only recently remembered this when i looked at a pic of myself and her.
im starting to think that this has always been inside of me.
The big question..... Do i like boys or girls.
The answer: both! my perfect dream, the one that would make me feel complete ( i think) is a boyfriend and a girlfriend (dont think 3 some's would work tho) Id like to play the boy and the girl, go for a boys night out but come hope and let him take control of me
the girl to love, to F but also to be feminine with, play dress up, go shopping, curl up with a chick flick and popcorn (chocolate goes without saying!). Wont go into the sex side of things. Being in a relationship with a boy and a girl would make me complete, i think id finally get to feel happy, id feel on top of the world ( my heart is beating so fast just thinking about it
)
I have alot of friends around me, people from all walks of life, but none of them, not a single one cani talk to about ME, the REAL ME. Im completly alone when it coems to whats inside.
I dont wish for a miracle cure, i dont wish for everything to be ok all i wish for at this point in time is someone to be there for me, someone to be there for. Im not saying a partner, god that would be a dream (dreams never come true for me) just a friend that i can talk to, a friend that i can be myself with, give a hug and recieve a hug. curl up on the sofa with, act a bit girly with, give a checky kiss on the cheek. I have to say this is not a sexual need, sex is taking a backseat untill i know more about me. Id love a girl friend who i could go shopping with, and get dressed up with (never tried dressing up, im too scared, too shy but i would love to try it). ive just realised something..... i dont actually have a clue about what i want! im so confused, im so alone.
this is not a lie this is the point blank truth......
Everytime i sleep i make a wish to not wake up, everytime i wake im upset that i have woken. i have enough 'substances' in my house to kill a small village, ive been close many a time but ya know why i dont? nope? neither do i. i want this to end, i cant deal with this no more. i dont know what to do, where to go. (im starting to cry now) if i was to die i wouldnt feel like this, i wouldnt hate myself. i wouldnt be a dissappointment to myself.
guna curl up with my teddy and go to sleep, the tears will stop and when im alseep the pain stops.
i suppose the one good thing from this is that i have finally allowed people to see the freak inside, the freak against nature.
WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE ME? WHY WAS I BORN? WHY CANT I BE 'NORMAL'?
