I introduced myself in the introductions section but I gave no background about my situation at all. So I decided to do so here, where it belongs.

It started when I walked out on my boyfriend in November. I changed my mind that night and returned a few hours later, without calling first. He was laying on the couch, I dragged him into the bedroom (for makeup sex) and to my surprise the bed was covered in clothes, my clothes.

It didn't occur to me what was going on.

"Were you packing my stuff?"

"No."

The clothes were a see-thru slip nighty with a built in bra I never wear, a bra I never wear, strapless and therefore heavily padded and some more random items I don't remember now.

"You know," I began, "When I leave men sometimes they'll ask me their favorite pair of panties of mine, if I ever do really leave you is there something you want?"

"The bra." He says immediately.

"Really? I never wear it."


I should've know then. There was a fallout the next day when I found another personal object tampered with and confronted him about it. I then went over to my best friends house and told him about it. I was thinking he was bi or gay (a boyfriend telling me he was gay had happened to me before) I wasn't thinking about or connecting the clothes at this point. I ask my friend for advice, he had none so I called my aunts.

My aunt's are amazing. My mothers sister and her wife of twenty years. They have done and seen it all and are very down to earth and give very sound advice. So me and my aunt's wife talk it out.

"If you love him enough." she said

I didn't think I loved him enough to get over this.

she gave me a bunch of examples...

One was: "Just look at all the women married to crossdressers, they have fun with it, those guys aren't gay."

So I go home to break it off.

As I'm questioning him about the tampering, it dawns on me. .

I ask: "Were you wearing those clothes?"

He said: "You can leave now."

"I'm not going anywhere."

He starts crying and telling me he's a freak.

"You are not a freak."

He tells me how long he's been doing it, a long long time. How he's always felt wrong as a boy.

Here's where in my mind my boyfriend became my girlfriend.

I'm bi and in college I was very active in the GLBTA community. I own the documentry Middlesexes and we watched it together.
I was angry that she lied, we have a very policy of truth relationship and we are always honest with eachother. Then I was feeling the "I didn't sign on for this" burn. I still associate as bi but I've been in straight relationships for years because I have a hard time being in relationships with women (mother issues).

Long story short I changed my mind and decided to stay, again. While buying items we found Susan's and now we're here.
This is the first real source of information we've found and now we talk about Progression or no? Hormones or no? Surgery or no?

Yesterday I hit a brick wall. She doesn't know what she offically is: cross dresser or MtF trans and earlier that day she took
'The Cogiati' test online and scored as androgyne which I think bothered her. Frankly I don't care what she turns out to be but it really bothers her (very understandable) so I said, to post in trans-talk and describe yourself, past and situation. I said you need help that I can't help with. But she's not used to forums and is kind of anxious and panicy in general and afraid of being judged and I said: If even one person throws a stone in this glass house we'd all die of our injuries, no one is going to judge you, don't worry. So far no dice. She said: "I need time." which I get. But the longer she doesn't know I think it's bothering her more.

So now a question:

What can I do to encourage her to seek input from people who know way better than I do without pressuring her? Or should I just leave it alone?

Any advice is welcome, thanks!

I'm androgyne, but not because of what the Cogiati test said about me. I think that maybe such tests can be used as a good starting point, but it seems to me that they are not the be-all-end-all of gender identity identifying. I could be wrong, though.

Judging by what you said about your partner being upset with being labeled an androgyne, this suggests to me that MtF is more appropriate. But again, I'm not an expert in the field. I know what I am, and thanks to this place I have a better vocabulary to describe it.

Maybe I've been biased by my time here (almost a year) but I find many folks here to be very helpful and accepting. Ultimately, though, it's going to be up to your partner with regards to when any attempts at communication or therapy will begin.

Just want to say that you are really brave to stay with and support her, and must really care for her very deeply.

First off, tell her that pretty-much everybody scores andro on the COGIATI. It's not exactly cutting edge psychometric testing.

Secondly, explain to her that everybody goes through periods of uncertainty and denial and repression and back to acceptance, be it about being trans, or anything else you "shouldn't" be according to society. The thing is to not be afraid of those feelings, to explore them and to not be afraid of the outcome. Talk to people who've gone before, read blogs and webcomics and torrent documentaries and stuff. Knowledge of power, and the more she learns about the subject, the more she will come to understand herself. For now, if she's uncomfortable signing onto a community like this, just lurking and exploring and researching is fine. I was online for almost two years reading venus envy and visiting personal sites before I finally got the guts up to join a forum.

Hugs, and good luck to you both.

Mina.

Shades-

Thanks for the advice, I figured it should be a wait and see approach on my part. While I've done my best convincing her no one is going to judge I understand her fear after spending so much time in the shadows. Thanks again.

Mina,

I had no idea about the frequency of the results as andro, I'm sure that will help immensely. She was a bit unsure before but I think it was the lack of information we had. The test results didn't help though.

I just called her up and told her about my post and told her that when she comes home from work she can read the responses. She sounds a bit better after I told her what you said about the test. Thank you so much!

She might just need some time to get used to the idea herself.  It's very difficult to imagine other people being supportive and welcoming toward you when you can't even be supportive of yourself.. and if she really thought she was a freak, it might take a while before that feeling goes away.  As she gets used to the idea, and gets used to having someone around who accepts her [you ], she might feel confident enough to seek out others.  It's a big, scary step.  Even if intellectually she knows no one will pick on her, emotionally, it can be so hard to believe.  But it'll happen.. it just has to be on her time.. all you can do is just keep doing what you've been doing.

I've never liked the idea of using internet tests to tell you who you are.. I took an internet test once that said my brain is half female and half male.  Which shocked me, as I do think I'm more female than anything else.. but the point is, tests are fallible, they're fallible if they're administered by a psychologist in person, and even moreso when they're online.  It appears that if she ever said anything other than "dresses are my favorite clothes, pink is my favorite color, and I love cooking for my husband," she'd be an androgyne according to that test.   She is the only one who can decide who she is. Whether that be male, female, something in between, neither, or some unique mixture.

PS- I just read your other reply.  Hello, Lola's special person! Please don't be afraid, we're a very welcoming bunch.

That test is junk.  Don't believe it.  Talk to someone who knows if you must, otherwise its what's in the heart, and only one person knows that.

Hi Lola,

..Actually time is an important factor here; while some of us may know exactly how they feel from an early age, it can take others a long time to figure things out. We have usually taken time to build up a persona that we present to the world, and while we may hate it, it still offers a degree of security, so to leave it is a major step into the unknown.

The best thing is not to push the issue too hard, as it is a common defence mechanism for us to push back. Mia is very lucky to have your support and understanding, if you can give her a little space I'm sure she will start to work things out for herself. If there is any way of Mia initially getting to see a gender therapist for an "open" discussion (on her own to start with) then this would probably be the best route to take.

The Cogiati test is great discussion tool, but it is not suitable for self diagnosis. So please don't worry about the results or finding a category as we are all different, and it is common for us to move between the categories as we discover more about ourselves.
It's only been the last year or so that I have realised that I am TS as opposed to CD, I just never asked the right questions in the previous 48...

Take care, and again..... it's great to have you here....



Chrissty

TamTam-

I understand Mia's (my girlfriend) hesitance completely. I used to be scared and anxious to just go to school everyday. We're both outsider people, and I'm sure it's a jump for her to be ready for people to accept her for exactly how she always was and not what she pretended to be.

She's just gotten used to being herself around my best friend even though she knew he knew, it didn't matter one way or the other to him, and there was no way he'd ever say or do anything untoward. I guess it's like her brand new heels, she'll get comfy in them eventually. Thanks for the help and the kind words.

Tekla- After seeing so many responses involving the test I'm very inclined to agree with you about it being junk. I'm sure she'll be happy to read that sentence.


Chrissty- I already know better than to push, whatever decision regarding title isn't so important to me. I just don't like seeing her upset about it and I hate that I can't help at all. I don't need her to 'pick a gender any gender' I just think she'd feel better if she used resources available to feel better about it.

I've suggested finding a gender therapist for her once before this and again after her confusion. But I didn't force the issue because it's a sensitive spot about outsiders right now. So hopefully she decides to find one but I don't see it happening soon. Thanks for the suggestions and the advice.

[Sorry! Hi, Mia. ]

It is hard knowing there's not much you can concretely do.. I felt/feel that about my girlfriend, I wish so much that there was a magic wand I could wave and make everything the way it's supposed to be.  But.. if 'all we can do' is be supportive and give our love, that's still worth a lot and makes a difference.

You know how I'm feeling very well Tamtam, I'd throw a fifty in the wishing well if I thought that the 'make it all better' wand would pop out of it. But I guess love and support will have to do

 
Lola called me at work today and said I'd feel better reading this post and the responses. 
(She was right on!)

You're all wonderful, thank you!

~Mia

Huge pleasure Mia. Glad to have you and Lola online. ^_^

Mina.