How have people managed these feelings? I'm not the only one, right?

I'm not questioning my path anymore. My questions at this point, lie completely in the "when" and "how". The more I realize who I am, the more I want to be me. I'm disgusted with myself when I look in the mirror. All I want to see is me. I can feel me, but I can't see me. It's enough to drive me to insanity. The biggest thing right now is that there are so many things I do that I have done for so long that it's going to be extremely difficult to stop doing. Those "male" subtleties that I need to convert. I don't even know what they are, but I know they're there. I need girl friends to hang out with to help "re-program" me, but it's so hard to be one of the girls and be accepted as one of the girls when they only see a guy. It's really difficult and I'm trying so hard. I know I'll get there, but the road is long.

How does one defeat the role after so many years. I've acted for so long that I have become what I despise the most... someone I'm not.

You do it one step and one day at a time.  It seems to take forever at the beginning but one day you wake up and all you see and all everyone else sees is a woman.

Finding a good therapist is a start.  That helped me quite a bit at the beginning.  Also just letting the inside out and relaxing is a start also.

We have all been there, I know...Been there done that will write a book or screen play one day

It does take time to unlearn the guy stuff.  thought you don't have to loose all of it. 

Hang in there and don't rush it.

Beni

It seems that one day you accept yourself for being, and the next you are living full time.  My journey has not been a short one.  It has taken me 10 plus years to just be living full time.  I hope it isn't another 20 to SRS.

But once you begin it becomes something that you don't want to stop.  But don't rush into anything.  Like Beni said get a gender therapist.  And then one day at a time.  They will add up quickly.

Janet

Oh, for me, after the estrogen kicked in, a lot of my guy traits kind of extinguished themselves, and my more innate female traits just sort of blossomed.
Some of the guy things I used to like to do, firearms collecting, shooting, etc, suddenly became less important to me.  Oh, I can still shoot well, but I'm just not as interested.  I still keep them for home protection, and it IS kind of nice to be able to use them with familiarity if I had to.
On the other hand, I'm not making as much money these days, and live check to check, and it's kind of nice to be able to buy brake pads, and fix my brakes.  I did this on my wife-partner's car recently, and she appreciates it too, and reminds me to  wear gloves and not chip a nail.
I'm not very strong at all anymore.  It's even hard picking up a wheel to replace on the car, but I use leverage, and all the other 'guy' stuff I learned.
The neighbors know I'm lesbian, but when I do 'guy' type things, and drive my pickup, I guess they just stereotypically figure it's a natural thing for a lesbian to do, and leave me alone.
I used to fish every day, and I still enjoy it once in a while, but I'd rather go shopping, or make homemade herbal soaps, or practice my knitting.
Things change.  They just do.


Bev

You point yourself in a new direction, the one you want to go on, and you walk that walk.

Beni's right. You have accepted yourself and that's a huge first step. Go on to the next step. You've come this far. Don't deny yourself. Keep us posted.

Gennee

I agree with the others, its one step a a time and a lot of girl watching. Go to the mall or somewhere like that and just observe, how they talk, walk, their movements, clothes and the way they wear them and in time it will all come together for you. Clothing should be age appropriate by the way.

The Therapist is a must for most, including myself. She has helped emmensly on some of the finer points. You will get there Hon, go at a speed you are comfortable. Hugs

Wendy

I know it's a long road and I'm glad I'll see so many people walking in front of, beside and behind me. I hate this road and wished I could have taken that shortcut through the woods in the first 9 months, but it is what it is.

I started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago and she's helped me so much already. I'm 28 and up until a few weeks ago, there was still a possibility that it was just a phase... lol... that's what I was telling myself anyways. I have always known my place in the world and she has helped me to be happy with that place. Now it's a matter of getting rid of the fear that comes along with it and the laundry list of changes as well.

Thank you all for your comments and support.

Kaitlin

Hi Kaitlin Skye hon, my goodness you look beautiful and quite passable in your avatar photo. All of the girls here have given some good advice and do not be in a hurry to change everything in one night, after having been taught or conditioned with male behavior for 28 years it will take a we bit more then one day.

You might be amazed as to how much female behavior you have already picked up the through the years that you are not aware of, not to mention female characteristics you have learned just through observation of other female behaviour around you. Once you begin HRT much of these psychological and feminine instinctive behaviours and characteristics will begin to show themselves.  It is postulated that the brain is hard wired as female from before birth.

Anyway all I can say is that through the years all just came naturally to me without much struggling to learn these new behaviors. 

Cindy     

Hi Kaitlin

Another nice name.
Honey look at yourself in a mirror and say after me. Thank XXX I'm doing this at 28 and didn't wait till 56 as that poor Cindy James character 
No it's not easy, nothing worthwhile is.

LoL
Cindy James.
ps i do not believe in gods so fill in XXX with whatever!
LoL
Cindy James

Quoting Cindy "You might be amazed as to how much female behavior you have already picked up the thought the years that you are not aware of, not to mention female characteristics you have learned just through observation of other female behaviour around you. Once you begin HRT much of these psychological and feminine instinctive behaviours and characteristics will begin to show themselves.  It is postulated that the brain is hard wired as female from before birth. "

I think that is an oft forgotten part of us that doesnt get mentioned much. While not based on but my own observation of myself I found myself instincively picking up on some feminine behaviors after starting HRT. It was like my brain started firing the way it was supposed to. Anecedote evidence maybe but rather compelling to me at least.

Kaitlin, As you gain confidence the fear will subside and you will learn the full meaning of attitude. The one thing you wont do is walk alone Hon, we're all about helping and sharing our love and concern. Hugs.

Wendy