Hi-
I have been many times to the chat room but never here.  I have found a welath of information on this site as well as support.  My SO is a MTF and sometimes fights herself more than foccusing on what is forthcoming.  We are DINKs which in one respect makes it easier.  But dual careers also presents complications.
I would appreciate other SO's words of wisdom.
Thank you
Jodi

Welcome to Susan's Jodi!!  I think you will find a lot of great support here.  The people are great and always there with wise advice and words of encouragement.

My name is Pam, I'm the S.O. of an FtM.  What do you mean that you partner fights herself?  Do you mean that she sometimes has second thoughts about fully transitioning to female?  I know that when Marco (my S.O.) decided to transition, he had some second thoughts.  His were because of his kids though.  We are Double Income, both with kids from previous marriages.  We are both going through divorces right now.  Marco's divorce is going smoothly, as a matter of fact, we are both friends with his ex.  Marco has 4 kids.  All have accepted his decision to transition except for his oldest daughter, who is my daughter's best friend.  I have two kids that I don't see right now.  My divorce is as ugly as they come.  My ex (and my entire family for that matter) can't accept that I am with a transsexual.  They choose to stay in their ignorance and won't even recognize Marco as a man.  My kids are bombarded with negative messages about me day in and day out.  It's a terrible situation, but the only thing I can do at this point is make sure that I tell my kids I love them every chance I get.

As you will see, I have a tendancy to go on and on.  But my advice to you would be, just let your partner know that you are there for her.  Keep the lines of communication open.  Transition is a very stressful time.  Even though Marco is going the other way, I'm sure there are a lot of similar issues that both MtF's and FtM's encounter.  I know that sometimes when Marco has a "passing" issue, he lashes out at me, but I am learning not to take it personally because I understand that I'm the closest to him, thus the easiest target.  If he get's too out of control, I let him know that what he is saying is bothering me, but I also ask him what he wants me to do for him.  I know that being "read" is one of the worst things for him and I feel for him greatly, so I just let him vent.  I'm making him sound like a monster...he's really not...he is the kindest hearted, sweetest person I have ever known.  Here I go again babbling about me.

If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask...I'm on here a lot!!

Welcome!!!
Pam

Hi Jodi:


Welcome to Susan's.  I'm sure you'll love it here.



tinkerbell

Hi Pam-
Thank you for the response.  What I mean is that when she fights herself, she puts herself in a postion where the best outcome is now the hardest to achieve.  Some scirmishes are better fought by not fighting.  In time I hope she will learn and appreciate this concept.  On my own front, I do not fully understand what is happening interally but I support her will all that I have.  So far there has been no lashing out just acting out.  I sometimes feel like I am being sucked in by a tornado with all of the changes that are going on.
Jodi

Welcome to Susan's!  You sound like you are doing your best, and other than that I'm afraid I don't have all that much to offer today! Anyway, to properly introduce myself, I am Kelly and the SO of Little Lynn (Jocelyn) who is MtF pre-transitioning.  I hope that you find this place useful and don't be afraid to ask any questions here, nobody will judge you for honest questions or curiosities. Again, welcome!

Hey there Jodi:

Welcome to Susan's.  I'm Gill, Steph's partner.  This is not an easy road to travel on.  There will be ups and downs, curves thrown at you just for good measure.  There will be times when all you may want to do is cry.  Your analogy of being sucked in by a tornado is a good one.  If we let it we can loose ourselves while on this journey.  My experience, and I can only go on that, is you have to say what you feeling.  Be honest with your partner.  Sometimes the things that you may say may hurt, but you are entitled to your opinions and feelings.  Those feelings are real, don't be afraid of them.  Only by talking about them will help you get through them.  Communication, communication, communication is the key.  I am speaking about a lot of negative feelings, I know, but I just wanted to let you know that it is okay to experience them.  At times you are going to be so p***ed off that all you will want to do is just scream.  That's okay, truly.  I know Steph has experienced her share of frustration as well.  We talk things out, trying to come up with games plans to help us get through this.  That's the key "we come up with the game plan".

You can get sucked up into the clothes, the hair, the makeup, the paranoia.  At times I feel like the Canadian Senate (what we call the sober second thought here is Canada 

My experience:  Steph and I have been married for 33 years and we have know each other for 37 years.  Wow that's a long time.....  I have known about Steph's dressing for the past 17 years, but it really progressed at a fast and furious pace once she retired, since 1999.  As things sped up, the more control I felt I was loosing of the situation.  Yup I actually felt that I had control, of course I now know that I didn't.  Once that realization hit, I began to feel better about things, but that took a while.

My wisdoms.....enjoy life, don't get bogged down with the things that you really can't control. This is a big one, take time for yourself.  Get out of the house for a while and don't feel guilty about it.  Pamper yourself, you deserve it.  Remember that.

Gill

Welcome to the forums Jodi.

Laurie is blessed to have a strong supportive SO in you. It is somewhat rare to find those that are supportive. I'm sure you will feel at home here sharing sage words with other SOs.

Sandi

Thank you all for your support.  The one thing I am positive about is that if we both keep caring for each other, we will be together at the end of the journey.  I have already learned so much more about her feelings the last couple of months than in the previous years.  I am still awed at the struggle TS go through in their life.
Jodi

And it is a struggle for you and other SOs, Jodi.  I just hope Laurie will always rememeber not to drive any faster than her guardian angel (you) can fly.

My journey with my FTM husband's transition has been much easier than most since I am a postop MTF myself.  But I'm here to share anything that might be of help.

Robyn
NCTE Advisory Board

Jodi:
welcome, you are at the right place, we can certainly use your experience actually we need to know and learn from your experience and wisdom that you have accrued, yes you have some.
Thank you in advance.
Love, no matter what, sheila

Once again, thank you all for your kind welcome and support.

On another note, do any of you help your spouse go shopping.  And if so, how do you HELP out.
Thank you

Jodi

Hi Jodi,

Welcome here to a wonderful place. I am S.O. to Leah a MtoF Transitioner. You have been given some very improtant advice from all those here whom have answered your post. The Communication and the time for your self are the most important that have been mentioned. You are just as important to shop for as is your spouse. Don't be left out!

And on that note shopping in answer to your question on helping them. We shop together for myself and for Leah. I think one of the most helpful things we did together was go to Hastings or Barns and Noble book store. Looked through fashion magazines and also we watch "What Not to Ware on T.V. That helps give a base for what looks good on what shape body and then also helps her pin point more what she likes and favors in styles. We did the same with hair magazines.

Also don't be alarmed if your spouse goes in spirts of rushing forword and staying at a point with out moving on. Each one transitions at their own pace. Each one evolves as they feel comfortable at the time. If sometimes it feels faster than you are ready for then be sure to Say so to your spouse. You both need to be comfortable as to what is coming next and plan and plot how and when on the time line what part of what ever you are facing you will deal with. Part of these things can be altered to fit your feelings too. Your spouse will need to be tolerant of your feelings as well as you of the hers. You have to have respect for where each other are and handling it in your own time and ways.

As I said welcome to a wonderful place. and enjoy the fellowship of others whom also walk in shoes similar to yours.

Smiles,
Peggiann

Jocelyn and I go shopping together all the time! It's one of the many blessings that I count when I think about how different this relationship is compared to those in the past (which were all heterosexual, in case you were wondering)  Luckily, we are very nearly the same size and I've been able to have her put some of my clothes on to see which styles suited her better than others as well as develop a pallette of colors she wears well (her boy clothes are all black tees with denim jeans, yikes!  )  and figure out some of her likes and dislikes.  As of right now, she is too shy to actually get dressed up and start trying things on in the women's fitting room, so if there is an outfit that she's curious I will often model it for her and we're able to compare about where a hemline would fall, where it may fit too snugly or loosely and if it's fixable (I have some limited seamtress ability that's been coming in handy)  Most of the time we're dead on.  I've gotten so accustomed to this particular game that I'm able size things up without her there and surprise her with an outfit on some occasions! My advice is learn the basics of sewing hems and taking in seams. Always opt to buy a item that may be too big, because that can be fixed a lot more easily than some that is too tight. But most importantly, HAVE FUN!!!

Heyyas Jodi  *Huggles*  Glad you found your way to the forums 

Yeah, my ex and I used to go shopping, if I were in guy mode, we would look for things and Id give signals to approve or dissaprove certian items.... She has this knack for picking things the right size the first time around....   She wold also supprise me by bring home the occasional outfit or two....  Only thing was... I had no sence of what I should be going after and neither did she... most of the things we got together Ive ever given away or well, given away....  cept the jeans sence there universal....  She was great while she lasted...

So far as Laurie goes,  She is very lucky to have you standing with her in this, I know how difficult things have been lately, but your a real trooper. So long as you both keep working at it I see wonderful things to come  *Huggles again*

Hiya Jodi
I help my girlfriend out with shopping. I helped her get the things she needed so that she was able to go out as herself and feel comfortable. I give her advice on applying make-up, shaving etc.
I am there for her when she needs me.