well it was kind of hard to just read the questions and answer in that form for me, but I wrote this today and I think the answers turn out to be in there...
Life is wierd. But what else is new. Now that people have begun to accept me as a woman, and I've begun to accept myself I wonder again. Everything is so utterly intertwined now, being in a strange body, being called to be a shaman, the way I feel about my family. I feel like I'm in so many places at once, like so much is passing through me. Its all connected somewhere, and maybe some of it is just delusion, but I don't think so, perhaps delusion if I no longer listened to my dreams, and no longer tried to be happy. For a long time this was my problem, I would never try, only when absolutely neccesary, because I thought it went with the taoist philosophy. Now though I see the animals and plants, I feel the bear growing in me, and to sound like a nature freak or hippie is of my least concern, someone is on the same wavelength and I'm beginning to see now what it all really means. I was a cub walking through the forest with my friends close behind, but emerging on the other side they had dissapeared. We were going to a safe place but I realized it was just my house again with David there. Its a deeply unspoken thing, but at least with friends its comfortable, theres those moments, maybe just when someone leaves when I realize we've been trying to say the same thing behind all the pointlessness. Depressed? Maybe, I'm used to it, and now actually it seems life is more interesting, at least I have a passion, and a goal, I am woman, hear me roar! But laying looking at the stars at the grove I feel like its so much bigger, maybe it has to do with everyone and everything. Our society is supposed to be switching over to express more truly its feminine side, on youtube, I see goddesses everywhere. ->-bleeped-<-, walking around I see goddesses everywhere, its kind of funny. But What is it really? Though it keeps coming up incomplete feeling, I know somehow it is the right place to be, though I don't understand. Last night I had written something I thought was really meaningful about what being transgender means to be, but it was deleted at the last moment because I didn't save. That happens a lot recently, so I was beating up on myself because I feel like the worlds against me, and the truth is never going to get out. I feel like the more we can speak freely and without fear the more this good feeling grows, the more things prosper.
But then again, encountering the right person at the right time to say the right thing is where I get left in the dust. Usually I'm with my parents, they are the only ones who care and feel comfortable enough to ask me. Explaining is getting caught up in resistance and fighting over petty ->-bleeped-<-. Sometimes I feel like I'm taking care of them, but I need them. I could leave, but I would die.
Why do I think that though? I've got more faith than that. If I leave... but what does that even mean? I just don't want to cause any more sadness, in myself or in others, but so far they say its one or the other. I just can't accept that, this is too much.
I've been reading psychology and from what it says it seems like this all stems from this one pretty embarassing thing that happened when I was a kid, haha, how lame.. I laugh but its just to hide what it really means to me. It talking about this thing maybe. Talking is healing, but its hard, only strangers are quiet enough to listen but if they hear it feels like it would be too close. I've got to find that balance where I can express myself and not ignore others.
just good vibes, those'll keep it moving while we're all climbing that rope to...