(I apologize in advance for the somewhat long-winded post, hehe. )

Hello, everyone. There's a great deal I want to say about myself by way of introduction, but it's hard to know where to start. It hasn't been until very recently that I've openly addressed the nature of who I am with others, and while I don't have any great hesitation in doing so - being an extremely honest person as I am - it's difficult to find the best starting point.

Okay, let's start with this. My given name is Adam. I'm 25 years old and I've known pretty darned well for at least 10 of those years that I'm transgendered. As many of you know, it's not something I decided, it's just the way things are. There's no getting around it or ignoring it anymore. I'm a girl. (Even just coming out and saying that makes my heart jump out of excitement, amusingly enough. )

I've recently begun taking steps toward the long process of becoming physically who I am mentally, and I've decided that it was time to really start talking with people that understand what this sort of life is like. I'm intending to go to a TG clinic on Tuesday - if I can make the trip - and start my first serious sessions about this. I've recently moved out of state by myself, so money is a MAJOR issue for me, but I've waited too long for this already. It's a problem I kept hoping would settle itself (naive, I know), but it's only gotten worse and worse. As I said, I'm kind of backing and filling as I tell the story because I'm not sure what parts are the most relevant, heh.

So... about myself. I'm a female, mostly attracted to other females. I don't see myself with men, but I suppose I could "picture" it, if you know what I mean. Until very recently, I lived in Colorado, then headed out to Virginia to stay with a good friend. Without getting too much into my particular weirdness, in addition to being TG, I'm also "draconic." In short, I perceive of myself as a dragon, for reasons beyond my understanding. And I can't help one any more than I can help the other. I'm not delusional by any means, I know what I am physically, and I try to be as grounded as possible. But we all have a certain "perception" of who we are, and this is just who I am.

I think the reason I've finally decided to act is that it's really been hitting home lately than when I act like ME, and do/talk about things I'm interested in, I can't help but feel people perceive of it a specific way because it's "Adam the guy" acting this way, rather than me as a person. Not that I mind arbitrary labels or anything like that. It's just that whenever I'm with other people, their perception of me is tainted by my masculine appearance. I can't be affectionate with others with it being "strange," I can't go the places I'm interested in without bringing female friends for support. And I know that my thoughts shouldn't be clouded by what others think, but it feels dishonest to me on a personal level, too.

I guess what I fear most - and this might sound funny - is that I won't be... "passable" as a girl. I guess that's something we all fear, but I'll be honest and say that sometimes if I see someone post-op, I sort of sigh to myself and really begin to hesitate because frankly (and this sounds so horrible), they're terrible-looking. Now bear in mind that this is by NO means the norm for TG individuals, but it's enough to give someone like me serious hesitation. I mean, I can look at myself in the mirror and I could picture myself looking pretty decent as a girl. I have somewhat broad shoulders and am fairly muscular, but I've got a reasonable face, nice legs, and a decent frame for it. And my Adam's apple doesn't seem to protrude very much, thankfully. Just the same, I really hesitate about taking my first steps into "real-life" experience, only because I seriously wonder if I'm actually going to convince anyone... you know?

So, that's the opening part of my story. There's so much more to it, but I really wanted to have a place to discuss what I'm going through with people from around the world that understand. That's why I came here. I'm very pleased to meet all of you, and look forward to talking soon. I'd be happy to address any questions you might have, as well, no matter how personal, hehe.

Hi Firelight,

Welcome to Susan's Place.

Just so you know, we charge by the word here.  You will be receiving a bill shortly.   

You will have a chance here to expand on what you learn at the clinic.  It is way easier having people you can talk to and be honest with.

Don't be shy, especially about filling out that check for the bill.


Peace,

Rebis

Ack! Another bill! Just as I'd finally gotten that deferment on my student loan!

Thanks for your very warm welcome, Rebis! You honestly posted that RIGHT as I was checking this forum again.

Hi Firelight,

Welcome to Susan's Place, and quite a story you have but it's similar to allot of us and you are doing the right thing by dealing with it, as you already know it doesn't go away but keeps coming back, it did for me many many times. A good therapist that deals with us is a must, what you need to know is they will not give you a letter to see an Endo so you can start hrt for at least 3 months if they are following the SOC. One thing almost everyone will tell you is hrt will alter your face, to the degree it does this varies, i have had great results so far in the 8 months i have been on hrt, as you can see by my avatar and i am 56.

Quote from: Firelight on January 25, 2009, 01:57:40 PM
Without getting too much into my particular weirdness, in addition to being TG, I'm also "draconic." In short, I perceive of myself as a dragon, for reasons beyond my understanding. And I can't help one any more than I can help the other. I'm not delusional by any means, I know what I am physically, and I try to be as grounded as possible. But we all have a certain "perception" of who we are, and this is just who I am.

I've never heard of "draconic" people before, and forgive my ignorance but I'm not sure what that is like. Is there any way you could explain or is it a "you have to experience it" kind of deal? 

The one thing you can be assured of from me, and likely everyone here, is understanding and acceptance 

Quote from: paulault55 on January 25, 2009, 02:28:50 PM
Hi Firelight,

Welcome to Susan's Place, and quite a story you have but it's similar to allot of us and you are doing the right thing by dealing with it, as you already know it doesn't go away but keeps coming back, it did for me many many times. A good therapist that deals with us is a must, what you need to know is they will not give you a letter to see an Endo so you can start hrt for at least 3 months if they are following the SOC. One thing almost everyone will tell you is hrt will alter your face, to the degree it does this varies, i have had great results so far in the 8 months i have been on hrt, as you can see by my avatar and i am 56.

A very good point. And believe me, I know one heck of a lot better than to start barreling into things like HRT and SRS, even if that were an immediate option. Right now, I'm just starting discussion sessions with others and doing my very first consideration of "real-life" stuff. All too often I've seen people that have been in too much of a hurry to radically change themselves physically, and I don't want to be that kind of person. As much as I'd like to physically be a girl right now, the way I see it is that I'm still going to be the same person down the road as I am now, so there's no real hurry.

Quote from: Amy85 on January 25, 2009, 02:37:15 PM

Quote from: Firelight on January 25, 2009, 01:57:40 PM
Without getting too much into my particular weirdness, in addition to being TG, I'm also "draconic." In short, I perceive of myself as a dragon, for reasons beyond my understanding. And I can't help one any more than I can help the other. I'm not delusional by any means, I know what I am physically, and I try to be as grounded as possible. But we all have a certain "perception" of who we are, and this is just who I am.

I've never heard of "draconic" people before, and forgive my ignorance but I'm not sure what that is like. Is there any way you could explain or is it a "you have to experience it" kind of deal? 

The one thing you can be assured of from me, and likely everyone here, is understanding and acceptance 

The short answer is that I perceive of myself as a dragon. I'm not a spiritual person by nature, but this is a matter of self-perception. Again, I'm not sure why I see myself the way I do, but it's not something I can just tell myself not to think.

Welcome sweety =] I understand what you mean by being a dragon, I'm a wolf myself. I also understand how you feel about being masculine. Hopefully in time you'll find your way to be comfortable in your skin.

That's wonderful to hear! It's always a pleasure to hear from another "otherkin," (though I'm always hesitant to use that term).

Although I can be somewhat masculine in appearance (mostly facial hair... *groan*), my personality is unmistakable. I'm extremely girly... video game playing notwithstanding.

It's great to meet you, as well! 

Hi Firelight, welcome to Susan's I believe you have found the right place to share about the inner-self. There is no hurry to begin the transitioning unless you feel an urgency to do so. But  as Paula suggested it would not hurt to see a therapist to help organise your thinking and feelings and help you along the way to making the decisions you will be needing to make along the way. Kind of like a preparation.

As for being spiritual I have been into spirituality for a number of years along with the new age stuff and several other beliefs, I call it my patch work faith. But I have then decided to settled mostly for Native Traditional beliefs and Wikan. I do have some knowledge of Draconians. Some fear these being because some can be evil, there are just as many good draconian spirits around as there are those misguided souls. That part few people know about. Just like the media to make a big whoop of negative occurences and phenomena, because that's what sells books magazines and news papers. *Controlling the masses by fear.* I concider myself one of the Rainbow Wariors.

Cindy   

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Post Merge: January 25, 2009, 09:21:04 PM

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You are welcome to read my Blog.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,52223.new.html#new
The Rainbow Prophecy & The People of the Seventh Fire.

Cindy

Hi Firelight and welcome 

I have a dragon. Well, actually an Iguana. That was the closest thing to a dragon I could get 

Hi Firelight,   

Welcome to our little family. Over 1490 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion. Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers.  Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now.  And it is always nice to have another member.   

Janet