(This is a very long and complex post, so please bear with me. The tl;dr version is that my confidence has taken a hit, and I'm considering stopping my path toward transitioning for my family and a friend.)

Today has been an extremely eventful day for me. One in which my life has been turned sideways, flipped upside down, spun inside-out, then wrung out and left to dry for good measure. (Talk about dramatic!) But the point is... I'm really beginning to question myself, and I don't know what to do.

The past couple of days, I've been dressing as a girl where I'm staying for the past couple of days, and two of the people I'm staying with haven't seemed to mind at all. I enjoyed doing so thoroughly, and felt oh so right behaving that way. I went the whole nine yards... proper hair removal, nice yet understated makeup, and a really pretty outfit. It just felt good. My hair wasn't very good (the hairline isn't right and the length is short), but I've put a lot of work into the style, trying to minimize this. I also feel like I've got a wonderful figure for the outfits I wear, and have been planning on getting a wig in the next week or so. I wear heels flawlessly, and have almost no awkwardness in any of my movements. I say this by way of being realistic about my flaws and good points, and to give you all a clearer picture of what's going on. I also think my feminine voice was coming along very nicely. I've had a good deal of experience in radio, so I feel like I have a very nice, yet understated female voice. (Oh, and on another note entirely... it seemed like as I kept using that voice for a long period of time, it actually settled for awhile, and it took a moment to go back into my regular tones, which were only a little lower... is that unusual?)

Okay, back to the story. So, I actually got up the nerve to go out into public my first time! I was so very, very confident in myself, too. I spent an exorbitantly long time on my clothes, my makeup, and my hair, getting them all just the way I like them. I was able to talk with people, ask questions, and didn't feel like anyone was really staring at me or even noticing my presence. As someone that doesn't consider herself very feminine (or even androgynous) in appearance, this felt like the most wonderful experience ever.

Well, that confidence took its first really huge hit on my way back home. I passed by someone while I was crossing the street. I was headed one way, he was headed the other. He said something to me, which I know he meant as a compliment, but it was still absolutely impossible to misinterpret: "You look really great in that outfit. Congratulations." It would have been one thing if he had been sarcastic as he said that, but that congratulations was sincere; and again, didn't leave much room for misinterpretation. As if that weren't enough, a woman came up to me and commented that she loved my boots. (And I do, too! They uncomfortable as heck for long walks, but I'm crazy about them just the same.) I thanked her and she added something or other about not letting the world tell me who I should be. Good god, it would have been better had she just flat out said I looked like a guy. I wasn't trying to make a political statement, I was trying to read the bus schedule, for crying out loud. I know I must have been hypersensitive already, what with this being my first real time out as a girl by myself... and even MORE so by the previous person's comment, but that really, REALLY hit me hard. I was still able to walk home with my head held up high (and very tired feet), but I'd be a liar if I didn't say that I thought long and extremely hard about those two comments.

But that wasn't enough for today. Not by a long shot. Well, my mother and father know about my ->-bleeped-<-. I wrote them both an e-mail explaining it all, and they've both read them today. While I think my Dad is actually somewhat understanding and basically gave me his blessing to live life as I wish (I'm 25 right now, for those of you keeping score), I don't think my mother was nearly as understanding. I asked what she thought via text message, and her response was "What do you want me to say? That it's alright?" We haven't really spoken at length about it (though we made plans to over the weekend), but again, the subtext is pretty difficult to miss. She's not happy about the idea.

My older brother, who currently lives the closest to me out of my family, has also been talking to me at length about this. He's really against the idea, though he tries to be as understanding as he can (let's just say that empathy isn't a strong suit of his). So much so that he actually wants me to wait 6 months to a year to even begin HRT. Now, I support the required period of psychological and medical analysis as much as the next person, but that's a little much. He also made it pretty clear that he wasn't about to alter any of his pronouns any time soon (no, I didn't ask or insist... he volunteered this info). He wants to visit me, and I know that it's Adam he wants to see, not the other part of me.

But that's not all! I've also discovered today, in no uncertain terms, that my friend - the reason I came out to Virginia in the first place - is also uncomfortable with seeing me dressed like a girl. To his credit, he's been the one taking me to the clinic at which I'm getting evaluated, but he's made it fairly clear that he was silently shaking his head at the people there, too.

Currently, I'm staying with him and his roommates (whom I now consider good friends) for a month or so. This hasn't been a problem at all, since the room had already been paid for by someone that had moved out (it's a college town). I've been wanting to find a job and move in for a long-term basis, but I've been unable to do so due to the hiring freeze. This is a major problem only because I have no intention of wearing out my welcome, but also have no idea where to go when it's time to leave. The amusing thing is that his two roommates (being very easygoing and friendly people) are actually a lot less testy around me than he is. Though much of this I can attribute to his stress from school. For the record, he's the only one of my firends that has said anything against this to me.

I wrote my family telling them that I was reconsidering transitioning because of their objections tonight. I know I have to live life for myself, but the simple fact of the matter is that I care too much for the people around me to do something I know will make them uncomfortable. I want to be a girl like you wouldn't believe. But at the same time, I don't know if it's the right thing to do anymore, and I'm just vain enough to not want to live with the guy-in-a-dress syndrome.

So, finally, what do you all think? Is it a better choice to respect the feelings of my friend and my family, or should I only consider myself in this decision? I know the final choice will be mine and mine alone, but what would you do (or have you done, as the case may be) in my situation? Thank you so much for reading this winded rant, and I eagerly look forward to your replies.

I think that if you decide not to transition/do what you want to do, for other people, you will regret it later and the feelings won't go away.  As much as you may care about these other people, you're not the center of their lives.  You are the center of your life.   You should do what you can to make it the way you want it to be.

When I decided to transition I had no choice, I was let us say, at the end of my proverbial rope. When I made my decision I just moved on and never looked back. But then I was prepared of the possibilety that I would lose family, and friends, I did. But I also made new friends. I was also prepared to the possibilety of loosing my job, and I didn't.

I left my apartment that morning for my first day on the job as Cindy with all the confidence I could muster. I walked straight and proud like I belonged where ever I was as much as anyone else. With the right personality and attitude I also found went a long way into intigrating with the people around me.

It appears like you have already begun to deal with what I have mentioned above, I believe that at this point, securing a job is probably the most crucial piece of the puzzle to deal with. It may be wise at this time for you to just put transitioning on *hold* until you can secure a job and a place of your own to live in. Don't rush it, you could always resume transitioning again at a later date when you are more independent and self suficient.

I am sure there are more folks here whom will be willing to offer their sage advice.

Cindy     

To make it easier on those around us I suggest easing into our proper role. In essence, just easily flow from "boy" to girl. At least, that has seemed to go over well around here for the most part. Also, for whatever it is worth I understand very well how important one's family can be, and in my case they were the only ones(functionally) whom I would have allowed to stop me.

Now, unfortunately, you basically get to see how much your family both loves and trusts your judgment. At least, that tends to be my admittedly over harsh assessment. But, consider this, while we love our families exceptionally so, you and you alone are the one stuck in your own skin (Unless you are a multiple-system of course). To me, what this amounts to is that they have a say, a very large say, but ultimately they can only have a say, not the final decision.

Ultimately, what others and their influence on us amount to I believe boils down to which pain we can stand more. Their disapproval vs our own internal torment, in essence. The phrase, I believe, is damned if we do or damned if we don't. Given I am one that went with the internal torment all I can really say on the subject is, I wouldn't do it again. I would NOT wait, even if it left me alone in life. (But then, that would not leave me in life so it works as well.)


But whatever else I can say, I must say that I very much like your avatar


Just thoughts, for whatever they are worth. I wish you the best.

Reading your post reminds me of something Lynn Braithwaite wrote, "If you cannot be true to yourself then you cannot be true to anyone."  This is your life and you need to discover what is true for you.  I understand the pressures of conforming to others expectations of how you should live your life but if you go that route what does that buy you?   Are you really the good brother or son or friend?  I have had to deal with this same issue with my wife who wants a man and a husband but I can't do that anymore.  It is not her fault, she is not a terrible person for wanting what she wants.  By the same token I am not a terrible person for wanting what I need to do.  Your brother, parents, and friend are not bad people who want to harm you, but in truth if you allow their needs to rule your life they are harming you in many ways not the least of which is emotional pain leading to depression, self-hatred, anger, etc. over time.  You are not a bad person for wanting to be your true self.

Given all that I will say this is not a race to some end point.  This is your life, and transition to whatever point is right for you is a process, and you can proceed at your own speed.  I think Cindy's advise about becoming financially stable is good, and sounds like a good next step.   You can slow down, pause, allow time for those close to you to catch up is fine.  To move forward you must be prepared to lose everything and to start over, and then be happy with those that choose to stay with you.

This is a difficult point in your life but pain is part of life.  I think of it as birth pains.  There is pain in child birth but also life and a new beginning and hope.  I wish you well in your journey.

Hugs, Maya

Who are you giving up for?  Them or yourself?  No, Transition isn't for the faint of heart.  It takes guts and determination.

When starting you get 'read' a lot, unless you are very good.  But that said, only with practice and going forth do the 'butterflies' go away, and you don't get 'read' as often.

No one knows how rough this is for us, but us.  They just think about themselves and don't care if we are hurting or not.  Oh they say they do but at the same time they don't want to hear or see anything about it.

Are you going to continue in pain, because a handful of people?  Yes there is family, but many of us lose them because we were true to ourselves.  And as to your one friend, who is uncomfortable, does he have the power to make you homeless? 

When I decide to transition, I knew the risks of loss.  But I did it anyway.  I am tired of others telling me that they can't handle it.  Sorry for the French but "Tough ->-bleeped-<-! Deal with it".  If you had a horn growing from your forehead, you would do something about it.  Transition is the 'doing'.

Don't stop or do, is your decision.  But to stop because of others only causes years of pain.  I know I started 25 years ago and let others tell me I couldn't do that.  And for 25 years I was in pain and they never knew what they had done to me.  Now it is 'deal with it' and 'Kiss off'.  I am happier now then I have ever been.

Do I sound bitter? Yes, I hate to see anyone stop because some else isn't comfortable enough with you.  Stop living for them and live for you.  We have enough on our plates without their's too.

Janet

Quote from: Janet Lynn on February 07, 2009, 11:39:30 AM
Stop living for them and live for you.  We have enough on our plates without their's too.

Janet

Nicely put.

Thank you all so much for your input. I honestly, truly don't think I can run from the person I want to be. Not for anyone.

And I think Cindy made a very good point. What I want to do is find a stable job working... well... ANYWHERE. I wish some people would actually come back and talk to me about the dozens of applications I've put in. *Sigh*

So, for right now, I want to become completely autonomous. I want to not feel guilty about making my own decisions and find a place to stay where I'm not relying on others. I just... I'm not really sure how.

In the meantime, I don't know what to do exactly. My mother and my friend seem satisfied with the idea that I'm not going to be transitioning, but as I said, this isn't something I intend to put off, as much as I'd like to for them. I'm just still so unsure of what I want to do, or how to do it...

Hello, Firelight!  It's a pleasure to meet you!

At the end of the day you are who you are, regardless of what anyone else wants to believe you should be.

It took me 46 years to start my transition but it was my time to do it and I refused to let anything or anyone in this world stop me.  Whenever your time is, you will know it, be it now or later.

As for steady work, entry level positions in the health care industry are almost always available.  They might not be career positions but they are legal employment and honorable work and could lead to more lucrative endeavours.

Hope this helps.

Wing Walker

Elder's Meditation of the Day February 8

"No individual or group can block another individual's path or change it against what fits his nature and his purpose. It might be done for a time, but in the end it won't work out."    

--Rolling Thunder, CHEROKEE
Every person is born for a purpose. We may know our purpose very early in our lives, or it may take us some time. Very often we need to experience many things before our purpose is clear to us. Sometimes we pick our goals to please others. Sometimes others pick our goals to make themselves happy. Often this makes us unhappy. We need to pray to the Creator and ask Him what our purpose is. When we live outside our purpose, our path is full of obstacles. When we live inside our purpose, our path is smooth. When we are aligned to our purpose, we are happy and content.


Great Spirit, whisper to me, in terms I can understand, what You would have me do and I will do it.


Cindy

Quote from: Janet Lynn on February 07, 2009, 11:39:30 AM
No one knows how rough this is for us, but us.  They just think about themselves and don't care if we are hurting or not.  Oh they say they do but at the same time they don't want to hear or see anything about it.

When I decide to transition, I knew the risks of loss.  But I did it anyway.  I am tired of others telling me that they can't handle it.  Sorry for the French but "Tough ->-bleeped-<-! Deal with it".  If you had a horn growing from your forehead, you would do something about it.  Transition is the 'doing'.

Don't stop or do, is your decision.  But to stop because of others only causes years of pain.  I know I started 25 years ago and let others tell me I couldn't do that.  And for 25 years I was in pain and they never knew what they had done to me.  Now it is 'deal with it' and 'Kiss off'.  I am happier now then I have ever been.

Do I sound bitter? Yes, I hate to see anyone stop because some else isn't comfortable enough with you.  Stop living for them and live for you.  We have enough on our plates without their's too.

Janet

To Firelight:

Janet Lynn's sage advice, excerpted here, says it all, really. 

Simply let me add that success in any endeavor in life generally requires resolve and persistence more than any amount of talent.  My point?  Make up your mind what you REALLY want to do. 

Then, stay the course regarding your decision.  Often times in life, the joy is in the journey even more so than at the destination.  Believe.  Persist.  Arrive.

May happiness be yours.

Quote from: Firelight on February 07, 2009, 05:35:57 PM
Thank you all so much for your input. I honestly, truly don't think I can run from the person I want to be. Not for anyone.

And I think Cindy made a very good point. What I want to do is find a stable job working... well... ANYWHERE. I wish some people would actually come back and talk to me about the dozens of applications I've put in. *Sigh*

So, for right now, I want to become completely autonomous. I want to not feel guilty about making my own decisions and find a place to stay where I'm not relying on others. I just... I'm not really sure how.

In the meantime, I don't know what to do exactly. My mother and my friend seem satisfied with the idea that I'm not going to be transitioning, but as I said, this isn't something I intend to put off, as much as I'd like to for them. I'm just still so unsure of what I want to do, or how to do it...

I just wanted to sumerise what you have said
- You don't feel that you can stop being who you are, not for anyone.
- You want to become completely independent.

I think from that it is fairly clear what you need and want to do. Persevere and work at it. It will come. I think everything will flow from there.

I hope things go well for you. I think it is a really positive thing that your family has not rejected you outright. Lots of people come around in time. It was brilliant how that woman complemented you, I saw that as a good thing. Take heart in that small kindness. Despite being 'pinged' she was willing to reach out to you in a very human way. As long as there are people like that, there is hope.

"You look really great in that outfit. Congratulations"
and
she added something or other about not letting the world tell me who I should be

would be regarded as positive statements by most people I would think.  You were not insulted, or laughed at. 

The huge problem with all the 'do I pass' posts is that its only a photo (and anyone who works with digital images knows, photos can lie a lot) and how people perceive another persons gender has a lot more to do with a lot of little clues, most of which they are not even aware that they are processing.

Take heart, at root a lot of people will never pass to anyone who is paying attention to the detail, lucky, that rules out 99% of the people around, and those that do tend to be cool with it.

Thanks, everyone. Rest assured, though I haven't been posting on this topic (personal issues have prevented me from being able to do so at my leisure), I have been paying very close attention to what everyone's been saying.

I'm almost 100% sure I'm going to go through with this, I know that much. There are times when my resolve wavers, and I start having my doubts, but they're vague at best and in spite of my repeated attempts, I'm never able to flesh them out, and they vanish on the wind within minutes.

Right now I'm planning on leaving for Connecticut on Saturday to stay with my brother for awhile (due to certain circumstances that arose with my "friend"). He lives about an 8 hour drive away, so I'll be quite a distance from the clinic I've been going to. Just the same, I am going to do my best to head back there for my appointment on March 17th.

In the meantime, I'm going to start working out there and really build up a life I can be proud of. I'll keep you all updated on my progress, too. Wish my luck everyone!

I will send prayers that all goes well for you hon, and to keep us informed if it is possible for you to do so.

God Bless.

Cindy