I am so new to transgender issues, I find it really hard to understand sometimes, but I've been reading more intensively the last couple days because I realise I know so little, please excuse my lack of knowledge and unease with terminology.

I was lucky enough to meet one of the most amazing people I know a couple years ago now, we didn't get on so well then, in fact we used to bicker like cat and dog, she would actually turn into a very dependable friend a few months later, I guess I must have skimmed over so much of her history because her admission that this - one of my best friends was really a girl and deeply unhappy as the confident young man who I had befriended felt like a bit of a joke if I'm honest, my soft young mind could not comprehend what she was saying to me.

I'll call her Kay, because I am deeply embarrassed that she will find this and I'll get rumbled for taking an interest =D

I wasn't angry or anything, just well puzzled, I listened and continued to listen to her explanations for several months, with a growing tide of emotions rolling around inside of me, but it wasn't until one night when in utter and total despair she broke down in my arms utterly beside herself that I realised just how serious she was about being trapped, and how the preceptions of gender, and societies struggle to categorise her were slowly cutting my friend to pieces. I realised she wasn't as strong as I was making her out to be, and she couldn't do this alone.

Being born as a and being constantly percieved as  a physical male is breaking her heart, and I just don't really know what I can do to support my friend other than stand around, and hold her hand and tell her how amazing she is, I really don't, I feel totally useless.

I've also messed up so many times, and hurt her feelings without realising it just by slipping out the wrong thing, now I think its better to keep quiet than talk sometimes, I feel like a really clumsy idiotic child and my attempts to be at natural as possible always seem to fall flat, she always notices me blushing, I joke that I am better company around guys since I play a lot of video games and have always been uncomfortable around other women, this makes her smile at least.

Don't even get me started on her sexuality which is a complete and utter subject of bafflement to me, we have a good friendship though where we talk about sex openly and frankly, girl to girl, its a nice situation I've not had before, but I do remind her to be patient with me on that subject, I get a little confused. hm, I fear I am saying all the wrong things all the way through this post, I'll move on.

She's now also talking about starting her transition, which I am happy for her about, but deep down I am very scared for her, but I know if anyone is aware of what's involved its her, I just want to know what I can do, how I can get her through it. Help ?

:$

Just to be clear, I was born with a male body and female identity. (Aka M2F or MTF)

I think the most important thing that you can do is to just be there and be a friend. You know, treat her as a girl. Perhaps offer advice... Sometimes we are somewhat clueless on the most basic topics, lol. Basically just be there and willing, I think. Perhaps a shoulder to cry on.

Just to be clear as sexuality was mentioned, our sexuality (which has nothing to do with gender) is just like everyone else's. Of note however is that we sometimes stop repressing the sexuality in the process of no longer repressing ourselves.

I am very pleased that you are making an effort to learn Tanya Please feel free to peruse about, and you may as well invite your friend too.

Tanya, you are already doing the best thing possible: you are listening.

You don't have to know all the answers.  She has to do most of the work.

One thing you can do is to suggest (over and over if need be) that she find an experienced gender therapist.  There is a wonderful KindredSpirits link in our links resources area that lists support groups and counselors/therapists by state.  The link still works, although I just found out today that the site has merged with the International Intersex Organization.  (I'll update the link.)

Transition isn't always easy.  Having even one friend on your side can make a tremendous difference. 

Robyn

Tanya,
         I can relate to what you are saying about feeling so helpless and feeling like you're always saying the wrong thing.  My significant other is an FtM and when we first met, I knew him as my daughter's best friend's mom.  We got to know each other and became very good friends.  He had started to transition 17 years ago before he ever had kids, but did a turn-around to please his mom and tried to live as a woman and squash the innate need to be a man.  He got married to a man and had four kids!  All the time, thinking that one more child would make him a woman.  When he told me "the story" (that's what we refer to his past as), our relationship started to take a different turn.  At that point, we were best girlfriends.  I began to see him for the man he is and our relationship moved to an intimate one.  In those early months, I really had a hard time using the correct pronouns and calling him by his male name, because when we were around our kids, I had to refer to him in the female sense.  It was really confusing.  We have been in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship now for 9 months and I still don't use his name as much as he would like, but I'm getting there; it takes time.
          Just keep doing what you have been doing.  Be there to listen and let you friend vent if she needs to.  I know that sometimes it feels like Marco is attacking me, but I have to realize that I'm just the closest person to him right now and he needs to get things out to be able to work through them.  He realizes this too and, after he has cooled down, we are able to talk it through.
         I think it's great that your friend has a friend like you to be there for her through her transition.

Pam

QuoteAll the time, thinking that one more child would make him a woman.

Awww...not my business, but...unfortunately, all that probably did was reinforce the fact that he wasn't a woman and never could be.

Nero

Thanks for the replies everyone, its nice to know that I'm at least doing some things right, maybe I just need to go about it all more confidently.

That's the other thing that I feel sometimes, that Marcosgirl touched on, sometimes I feel like Kay attacks me without realising for being born female, you know its not like I can help being the way I am, I feel like I've been dropped into an easy life and this makes me feel very guilty. I'm not the most self-confident woman anyway, so even the a slight slip about how how my hair looks off today or something about my appearance can turn into something I wasn't intending.

Do you get me ? Also, is there anything specific to friends and family that is available that I can read about transition ? I've found a lot of stuff but its been mainly for the person involved.

EDIT: I've just thought about something else, when Kay is out and about, I worry about her when she's on her own, when I'm with her we get some odd looks which she assures me is normal I try to take her out and coax her into coming shopping with me, sometimes its a little more than that though she'll get verbal abuse, and it scares me, what can I do in these types of situations other than hold her hand and march by. (and grit my teeth because I really want to kick some ass sometimes)

Quote from: Tanya on July 15, 2006, 08:02:25 AM
I am so new to transgender issues, I find it really hard to understand sometimes, but I've been reading more intensively the last couple days because I realise I know so little, please excuse my lack of knowledge and unease with terminology.

I was lucky enough to meet one of the most amazing people I know a couple years ago now, we didn't get on so well then, in fact we used to bicker like cat and dog, she would actually turn into a very dependable friend a few months later, I guess I must have skimmed over so much of her history because her admission that this - one of my best friends was really a girl and deeply unhappy as the confident young man who I had befriended felt like a bit of a joke if I'm honest, my soft young mind could not comprehend what she was saying to me.

I'll call her Kay, because I am deeply embarrassed that she will find this and I'll get rumbled for taking an interest =D

I wasn't angry or anything, just well puzzled, I listened and continued to listen to her explanations for several months, with a growing tide of emotions rolling around inside of me, but it wasn't until one night when in utter and total despair she broke down in my arms utterly beside herself that I realised just how serious she was about being trapped, and how the preceptions of gender, and societies struggle to categorise her were slowly cutting my friend to pieces. I realised she wasn't as strong as I was making her out to be, and she couldn't do this alone.

Being born as a and being constantly percieved as  a physical male is breaking her heart, and I just don't really know what I can do to support my friend other than stand around, and hold her hand and tell her how amazing she is, I really don't, I feel totally useless.

I've also messed up so many times, and hurt her feelings without realising it just by slipping out the wrong thing, now I think its better to keep quiet than talk sometimes, I feel like a really clumsy idiotic child and my attempts to be at natural as possible always seem to fall flat, she always notices me blushing, I joke that I am better company around guys since I play a lot of video games and have always been uncomfortable around other women, this makes her smile at least.

Don't even get me started on her sexuality which is a complete and utter subject of bafflement to me, we have a good friendship though where we talk about sex openly and frankly, girl to girl, its a nice situation I've not had before, but I do remind her to be patient with me on that subject, I get a little confused. hm, I fear I am saying all the wrong things all the way through this post, I'll move on.

She's now also talking about starting her transition, which I am happy for her about, but deep down I am very scared for her, but I know if anyone is aware of what's involved its her, I just want to know what I can do, how I can get her through it. Help ?

:$

I'm a little late writing here, but...

As you have read from the previous replies, you are doing everything that you could possibly do at this point in time.  Supporting her, being there for her, listening to her, and just plain holding her is all that any of us could hope for.  I know it can seem so destructive how we put ourselves through this turmoil, but believe me I would say that as transsexuals we don't have any other choice.  It is unfair of us to ask others to sacrifice as we do, but we often loose site of who our friends really are as we dive headlong on a path that others see as being so destructive, not only to us but to those who are  close to us.

We can be very selfish and tend to forget that we maybe hurting those who are close to us and those who have helped us, it's one of those self destructive issues that are so confusing.  I've even seen TS with the attitude "you are either for me or against me", not conducive to a respectful relationship.   The best way to help is to continue doing what you are doing but at the same time you have to be honest and sometimes you need to be brutally honest.  I know it's often easier to simply agree but believe me that's not what we need to hear, we need to hear the truth.  I know that there is a risk that by doing that you may loose her but a relationship based on anything but the truth would not last.

Just my 2 cents.

Steph

Wow Steph !
You shot right from the hart and every word rings true  I certainly could not say it nearly as well as you have !
  Well done !
Bob.......

HI Tanya,

I just wanted to say welcome to a great group of very special individuals. So Special in fact that it would be a shame not to share us with your freind. Your friend will need to have a lot of support the further she goes on the journey you are both about to tred through, my guess is you will as well.

Thank you for being such a good friend to her. After reading here and meeting some other like minded individuals and hearing their stories, there needs to be more like you gentle, giving, caring people out there for them.

I wonder if you ever thought to just come out as honestly as you did here and just ask what can you do or what does she need or want from you as a friend. Remember in every relationship communication is the key to being all you can be to the other person in the relationship. It's important to have feed back and input and listening as was already mentioned. Real friends don't have to worry over words or pick and chews words or walk on eggshells around one another. I'm certain your friend does not want that of you either. So share your desires to be supportive and ask her how you can best do this. Remembering That everyone is different, what she wants or needs may not be the same as someone elses on here. I woud think she would be very impressed to learn the lengths you've gone to learn more and inquired how best to be helpful.

Try not to be afraid anymore she is still a person. Treat her like you would one of your other girl friends.

I guess that's it...just that maybe one last thing to think over. IF someone wanted to know something about you would you want them to ask your neighbor, your mom, your sister? Or would you want them to come to the best authority on you... which is you?

Smiles,
Peggiann