I recently turned 60. I have been happily married for more than 35 years and have 2 grown children. I am a transsexual, but I have accepted ( or I am trying to accept) that I will never be able to transition. Although I have regularly followed most of the transgender forums on the net, I have seldom posted to them. My reasons for this were a combination of shyness, a need to guard my privacy, feeling that my experience was not relevant, and my own uncertainty of how I fit into the transgender spectrum.

Recently, I read a posting on this board from a new member who was just coming to terms with her transsexualism and looking for insight on what the alternatives were. I realized that there has been a lot of material written in support of transsexuals who proceed with transition and surgery, but little available for those of us who can't or don't transition for various reasons. For this reason, I have decided to try to present some of my thoughts about this in the hope that someone else may benefit from my experiences. If nothing else, they may see that there are some who are getting by without transitioning (so far).

Some Background

In order to understand how I reached my present state, I need to give some background information. I was born in 1949 and can honestly say that I have spent over half a century of my life struggling to understand my gender identity. I can remember wishing I was a girl from as early as age 4 or 5, but it wasn't completely a clear cut issue.

In spite of these early feelings, I was never effeminate, and I don't think anyone suspected the turmoil in my mind. There were episodes as I was growing up when I strayed into more overt expressions of my feminine side. When I was very young, I can vaguely recall one occasion of dressing up in my mother's clothes and putting lipstick on. I was probably about 4 years old, and I think my mother permitted it to keep me entertained and out of her way. I distinctly remember one of my older brother's friends telling me that it was wrong and that I was being a sissy. This shocked me and taught me to hide any tendencies in the future, or else I would be rejected by society. I can also remember envying the nearly hairless arms and legs that my girl friends had. I had hairy legs and arms from birth and was very self-conscious about it. At least once during my elementary years, I shaved my legs, not realizing that other people would see it and ask questions. I think my mother gave me a stern lecture about how wrong it was for me to do this. This was another lesson about fitting into society.

I remember reading about Christine Jorgenson, understanding immediately what she felt, and realizing that I would like to change my sex also. At that time (mid-50's) it was such and exotic and unattainable step that I never considered it possible ... just something to dream about, and that I did.

These experiences may seem like a contradiction with my earlier statement about not being perceived as effeminate, but it was still true. Outwardly, I was an active, athletic boy who did well in school and tried to seem as boyish as I could.

Throughout my junior high and high school years, I still struggled with gender conflicts. I would occasionally sneak away and find ways to dress up or use makeup, but I was always compulsive about hiding it. My family was disintegrating and dysfunctional. I felt a big void in my life and was generally unhappy. I envied the other kids who seemed to have close happy families.

After college, I worked at a variety of low paying jobs for about a year. During this time, I read Harry Benjamin's book, "The Transsexual Phenomenon". I became aware that SRS had developed into a more viable procedure. I agonized on what to do while trying to create one last chance for a male life for myself.

Just as I was approaching a crisis point, I met my future wife and fell madly in love with her. This was like a life preserver thrown to me as the ship was sailing away. It gave me hope that I could put a life together as a male and have a happy family life.

Prior to our marriage, I told her that I sometimes felt like I wished I were a girl. This almost killed the wedding plans, but I think it was too close to the wedding to postpone or cancel it. Of course, I insisted that it was not a real problem and would go away over time. I felt it all was due to my unhappy childhood, and our love would overcome these fellings. Of course, we all know how these promises turn out. As time went on, my gender issues would reappear periodically. It actually was on my mind almost daily, but I would control it until I periodically had to act on it. My wife reluctantly accepted that I may have occasional needs to crossdress in private. Initially, she even participated in helping me set my hair, shave my legs, and use makeup. After a short time, she began to refuse to take part. She said that it made her see me differently and she was uncomfortable with that. As a result, my periodic crossdressing was then done in private. This continued for about 20 years. The crossdressing gave me some temporary relief, but I always felt bad that I had to hide it and that it was only temporary. I really wanted to interact with others as a woman rather than sit by myself. Still, I told myself that I was just a ->-bleeped-<-, not transsexual. The thought of being a transsexual was frightening.

About 10 years ago, I reached a point where I could no longer sleep at night due to obsessive thoughts about being a woman. I sometimes went 2 or 3 nights in a row without sleeping at all. I think some of this was triggered by my realization that time was running out if I was ever going to do anything and by the knowledge that my children were all grown and relatively independent. With my wife's nervous approval, I met with a gender therapist, and she was quick to confirm that I was transsexual. I think I always knew this, but was afraid to admit it. Then began the agonizing about what to do about it.


The Questions

In trying to understand my condition, I developed many questions that I asked myself as a thought exercise.

1. If I had to choose between the option of living and being accepted as a woman but retaining my male body, or the option of changing my body to female but retaining a male role, what would I choose? After pondering this, I concluded that I needed to both change my body and my role in order to be happy. My objective is to have a body that matches my gender identity ... that of a woman. It wasn't just a matter of dressing, and it wasn't just a matter of body modification. Although either of these alternatives might be an improvement over where I am, neither meets my needs.
2. If I knew that changing my sex would result in complete loss of sex drive and ability to enjoy sex, would I still do it? Yes, I would. Earlier in my life, this was a more difficult question. Sexual enjoyment was an important part of my life. I feared that my gender disorder was purely a sexually driven obsession. As I grew older, I began to see that sexual response was less important to me and it was not the cause of my confusion.
3. Would I change my sex knowing that I might be a very unattractive woman? Yes. I've never felt very attractive as a man, so I have little to lose. Although I would like to be a young Victoria Secret model, this isn't going to happen. I've never had much confidence in my appearance. I like to think that I would be a much more confident person as a woman, even if I were not attractive in the way society expects..
4. Could I have a physical relationship with a man? This was a hard one. I have never felt that I had any homosexual inclination. The idea of having sex with a man never appealed to me. I have always been attracted to women, although it is a mixture of envy, attraction, and vicarious enjoyment. But, as time went on, I realized that I probably could enjoy a physical relationship with a man, but only if I were in the role and body of a woman. I guess that makes me a heterosexual male/bisexual woman. I have enjoyed giving someone else pleasure during sex. The idea that I could be a source of pleasure for someone is very satisfying to me.
5. If I had known what I know now, would I have transitioned when I was younger? This is also a tough one. It can be interpreted several ways.
a. If I were reincarnated in a new life, I would like to be reincarnated as a woman, although, it would be my luck to end up as a woman in some impoverished, oppressive society where women are treated as beasts of burden.
b. I would not choose to back up in time and take back all the good things that have happened in my life, such as my marriage and the birth of my children in order to relive it as a woman.. (See the discussion of paradoxes below.)
c. If I were a child, just growing up now and knowing what I do, I would make every effort from a young age to make my GID known to my parents and put all of my energy into getting their support for my transition. Attitudes are very different about transgendered children now than they were during the 50's. It seems much easier for parents to recognize this condition and use techniques delay puberty in anticipation of HRT and SRS until older. Acceptance of transsexuals is also greater than when I was growing up. Everything about being a transsexual is improved dramatically from when I was a child.
6. If I could take a pill that would make my gender disphoria disappear completely so that I could live happily in my current form, would I take it? There were many times during my life when I would have done this to make it go away. However, I have come to realize that I am the person that I am, good and bad, because of my gender disphoria. If that were taken away, I would be a different person, in some ways better, but, in other ways not as good. I probably would not take the pill. I don't really want to give up my feminine way of seeing the world.
7. What sacrifices would I be willing to make for the health and happiness of my wife and children? See additional discussion about this below.
8. How would I respond to social rejection from friends and associates? I think I reached a point where this didn't bother me as much. Maybe it's self delusion, or maybe it's that I gained more self-confidence as I got older. It also helped that I reached a point where I could manage financially if I lost my employment. It is ironic that transition often becomes more feasible from a financial and social standpoint later in life rather than earlier when it would be most advantageous.


Transition Or Die?

I read this phrase often on the various boards about gender identity. I don't want to start a new war about this, but it does warrant some discussion. Many say that if you are a true transsexual, you must eventually transition or die. I've never felt like my transitioning was a "do or die" situation. It is a "do or don't do" question. In spite of my resolution to not transition, I know in my heart that I am transsexual and should be a woman. I can't choose whether to be transsexual or not, but I can choose what I do about it. The choice may not be pleasant or easy, but it is still my choice. Many people only regard true transsexuals as those who actually complete SRS. I don't think this is valid. Prior to the late 60's, SRS was not a viable option. Does this mean that there were fewer transsexuals prior to this? What about all of those throughout history who felt gender disphoria? Since SRS was not available, did they all commit suicide? I don't think so. I think there are many whose GID is just as strong as any post-op, but have chosen not to transition due to various factors. Also, due to my unhappy childhood, I have developed an ability to endure emotional pain very stoically for long periods. Maybe it's just that I'm used to a certain level of depression. For this reason, I've always managed to avoid considering suicide as an answer.

Reaching Acceptance

When I was very young, I feared that I was transsexual but tried very hard to deny it. I pretended that it would go away or that I was just a ->-bleeped-<-, as though that were some milder, more acceptable disease. I think that having a very strong sex drive made it difficult to isolate and identify my motivation. Since I tended to be aroused by anything remotely sexual, thinking about crossdressing or being transsexual was arousing to me. I feared that my attraction to transsexualism was caused mainly by my overactive sex drive. If I proceeded with SRS and reduced or lost my sex drive, would I still feel the need to be a woman? Was my gender disphoria a learned response to my arousal when I crossdressed? I felt that my sexual identify should be separate from my gender identity. It was all very hard to separate out, and that contributed to my uncertainty about what to do.. It was only later in my life, when my sex drive began to decline, that I realized that my gender disphoria existed consistently and separately from my sex drive. When I crossdressed, I no longer felt aroused ... just comfortable and natural. I came to realize that not being aroused was pleasurable in itself. The idea that I could be sexually unresponsive or inactive after SRS no longer bothered me at all. It could even be an advantage. These days, the thought of being a woman or the act of crossdressing does not arouse me. It relaxes me and makes me feel comfortable.

I don't think that my birth family was a strong factor in not transitioning. My childhood was not very happy, and my parents and brothers became less significant in my life as I grew older. If they didn't approve, I wouldn't have had a hard time living without their being a part of my life..

I also don't think that fear of pain during surgery was a strong consideration for me. If I could seriously consider self-castration (which I have done often), surgery in a hospital was not something that would keep me from acting.

After working with a therapist to confirm my diagnosis, I was left with deciding what to do about it. This occurred over a period of 2-3 years during which my marriage almost dissolved. My wife came to understand that I was transsexual. She said that she loved me and would continue to do so no matter what I decided. She would support me and stand by me, but she wouldn't stay married to me. This disclosure almost broke my heart. Perhaps it was payback for breaking hers. It still is hard for me to understand how she can have this limit on our marriage when I don't think I would have the same response if she were in my position. Our marriage had always been exceptionally close. I felt that my unhappy childhood had made me appreciate and value my relationship with my wife and children more than most people do. I agonized over how this would affect my relationship with my children. Although grown and on their own now, we were always very close, and I feared that they would reject me or the news of my transsexualism would hurt them.

I reached a point where I realized that the social stigma was not preventing me from transitioning either. I was willing to risk loss of employment and ridicule.

I spent 2 to 3 intense years struggling with my decision. I felt like I was right on the cusp for deciding one way or the other. Some days, I would clearly fall over one side. If it was in favor of transitioning, I'd tell myself to sit on it another day or two before committing to it. If it was on the side of not transitioning, I did the same. I continued to waver back and forth for many months. I felt like, if I decided to transition, once the decision was made, it was a point of no return. I would proceed with transitioning as quickly as possible, and none of the remaining journey would be as hard as the decision.

Eventually, I thought about the things I would be willing to do to make my wife and children happy and secure. It was easy for me to say that I would be willing to give my life for any of them. I would donate vital organs, jump in front of buses, run into burning houses, and expose myself to disease for their health or happiness. If I was willing to do this, shouldn't I be willing to forego transitioning? I eventually decided that this was a sacrifice I needed to make. I felt that I could not abandon my responsibilities as a husband and a father.

This has been hard to accept, but I am continuing to work in this direction. Perhaps my aging has helped with this decision. I don't feel so much like I have a biological clock ticking away, and that I need to decide quickly before it is too late. I am probably too old for effective transitioning now. It is still possible, but the results would probably be disappointing. The thinning grey hair, the wrinkles, the age spots, and the belly make me realize that I'm not dream girl .. or maybe I'm really only a dream girl.

Regrets and Envy

My biggest regret is for all of the time and energy that I have spent on dealing with my gender. For over 50 years, this has taken at least 50 percent of my energy. I regret that I have shortchanged my wife, my children, and my career during this time. I can't remember a single day when my gender problem wasn't on my mind for at least part of the time. I wonder how much better of a husband, father, and person I would have been if I hadn't had this distraction throughout my life.

We also all have those regrets of feminine experiences that were missed. I obsessed over them more than was healthy. They are the usual experiences:
• Puberty
• Breast development
• Menstruation
• Teenage years
• Learning beauty skills
• Grooming
• Dating
• Sex
• Marriage
• Pregnancy
• Breastfeeding
• Motherhood
• Bonding with children
• I could go on and on ....

I also see women and young girls experiencing life and feel intense envy for what they take for granted. But I know that there is nothing that will give me this. I need to accept it, appreciate what I have, and stop obsessing on this.

Over the years, I have watched with admiration and envy as many women have come to the transgender boards, having realized their gender confusion and agonize while trying to understand it better. Many of them have gone on with the journey through HRT, RLT, and SRS to become strong, beautiful woman. Many have come and then soon disappeared without completing the journey, leaving me wondering if it was postponed, if they realized they were not transsexual, or if they just went ahead living their lives in silence as I am trying to do.

My Future

I can't speak as an expert on surviving transsexualism without transitioning. I can only talk about what I've been through, what my conclusions are, and what I am trying to do. I may still find eventually that I can't really survive without transitioning. Although I intend to keep on trying to cope with this, it's something I will never know if I am successful at until I fail or die. Somedays, I get through just fine. Other days are a tremendous struggle, and I tell myself to just get through another day. To help in coping, I sometimes partake in some activities that allow me to feel a small amount of the feminine experience. I crossdress in private, I shave my legs and underarms, I wear women's undergarments under my clothes, I polish my toes, I wear makeup, etc. These activities are all a pale shadow of the life as a woman that I really wish I had, and they're even embarrassing to admit. Although my wife knows about these activities, she doesn't want to participate or observe them in person, so I have to do this by myself and then feel guilty later. This isn't ideal, by any means, but it's what I am left with.

Sorry for the excessively long post, but it has helped me to get some of this written down. I hope it is of some help to someone else, too.

Steph

That was a truly exceptional post.

Thank you very much for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences with us. I'm sure that many here will identify and relate to the different things you say and, after reading the above post, I think your experiences are very relevant, honey.

Once again, thank you for your insight. *hugs*

To stephb:

   OMG, your testimony is profound!

   You are 60, and I'm 53.  You're a leading-edge Baby Boomer, and I'm a middle Baby Boomer.  We are from a time when transitioning in our prime (ages 20s-30s) was socially and medically exponentially more difficult than it is today.  The young people on this board can scarcely imagine the magnitude of the obstacles in those days.

   Just like you describe above, I find myself at an allegorical Rubicon (A moment of life-changing decision of fantastic proportion) regarding transitioning.  Not everybody necessarily HAS to transition, true.  However, many of us on this board WANT to transition.  I know that I certainly do.  BUT, ... just as you describe here for us older T-gals, oh, the ramifications and complications!

   There is hope.  Thank you SO much for your wonderful story.  I'll stop commenting on it now lest I babble onto infinity and upset anybody.  Suffice it to say that I (and many of us here) really and truly feel and share your pain.  We REALLY do.

   Where there is a will, there is a way.  We can work it out.  Have hope.

   More later.

    Hugs!

Your experiences are very relevant, Steph. Everyone walks a different path in life, and while many on these boards do transition, some do not. It's a very hard choice to make, and I feel that perhaps you have chosen the more difficult option. Or perhaps I should say a different kind of difficult.

I wish you luck in your life, whatever option you end up living.

Vincent

Hi Steph,
Thank you for taking the time and trouble to post your thoughts with such clarity and detail.

I have read the piece twice, and found it very thought provoking.

We share a lot in common, with only some of the details different.

I'm 50 and at the "lack of sleep", "in therapy" stage, and I really don't know which way it will go.

I have noticed that times of severe depression or trauma, will often be the key that ultimately unlocks "Pandora's Box" for the likes of us who are trying to hold our feelings back..... Our coping mechanisms are only able to deal with a limited amount of stress before giving-in to the voice inside.

and LaceyLynne......

Quote from: LaceyLynne on February 13, 2009, 11:56:38 AM
Where there is a will, there is a way.  We can work it out.  Have hope.

....Well I've got the hope, but there seems to be one to many "will's" living in my head....

Hugs

Chrissty

This was a very powerful post and I'm so glad you wrote it. So much of what's discussed on message boards is transitioning itself. That's understandable given that if you are in the process of transitioning you are going to have lots of questions and a lot to talk about. Not transitioning is another story. It isn't written about as much and certainly not in the way you've opened your heart about it.

I just turned 39, so I'm not where you are in life. But what you've written is still very relevant and also a bit of a glimpse of the future, if I continue to remain with my decision to not transition. One of the things I've always found to be the most difficult part to accept is that everyone says that GID doesn't go away. When I read posts like yours, I realize that it's probably true. But, it's still hard to accept even though in my own case I haven't seen any evidence that it will.

I especially found your words about regret to be very poignant. I can absolutely relate to that.

I applaud you for your strength. You've been selfless and obviously have great love for your family. I'm sure that whatever you do in the future, whether its to transition or not, you will find life to be rewarding. You sound like that kind of person.

Thanks again for taking the time to write this. It's been helpful to me and has made me think.

- Ella

I read your post and thought, this is so similar to my own life that I could easily substitute my signature for yours Steph.
As someone of about your age I know the agony you are going through. I hope we will both make the best decisions possible in the long run.
Hugs, Helen R

Thanks to all for the positive feedback. It seems like there has always been a lot of information for those who are transitioning, but very little for those who are trying to get through life without transitioning. My story certainly isn't the only story, and it's not the end of the story either. There are still many times when I question whether I've made the right choices or if I'll b able to stick with the choices I have made. At those times, it is only by making myself go through some of the processes that I discussed above that I am able to keep myself of this track and reassure myself that it is for the best. It just doesn't feel that good sometimes.

I've always had trouble making decisions in life and then not second guessing them. This is just a part of that pattern. I also know that for every choice made, other options are eliminated. That doesn't keep me from obsessing about them anyway.

Steph

All I can say is Wow.... That was written so beautifully, and with so much openness. I am Post-Op, and transitioned when I was a teenager. I have often had a hard time understanding why people older than I am just don't jump in with both feet and transition.

Your post has oppened my eyes to others who have been strugling with GID all of their lives.

Deb

I have to agree with everyone else and say that this was an amazing post.. and so much of it sounded like I could have written it. My transition is postponed now, almost entirely because I don't want to lose my wife and son.. I'm nowhere near being comfortable with the idea of living the rest of my life as a man, though.

I'm in therapy, and trying to figure out if I can "manage" or "cope" with my GID, or if I need to transition anyway... my heart goes out to you, Stephb... a lot of us are on the same path you took.

Steph,

This was a beautiful post.  I can so much identify with what you are saying here.  Thank you so very much for putting your struggle into words to share.



Kristi

Dear Steph,
You are not alone. I turn 59 this year and have struggle with this issue too long.
I to have made a

Quoteresolution to not transition, I know in my heart that I am transsexual and should be a woman. I can't choose whether to be transsexual or not, but I can choose what I do about it.

My wife is much like yours and I almost lost her because of my dressing. But at last I came to my senses (or did I) because of what it was do to her my 3 children and the restriction that they were about to impose on me concerning my grandchildren. It litterly broke my heart.
So I to cope by

Quotepartake in some activities that allow me to feel a small amount of the feminine experience. I crossdress in private, I shave my legs and underarms, I wear women's undergarments under my clothes, I polish my toes, I wear makeup, etc.

And am doing so now.
Thank you so much for the posting Steph now I don't feel so alone in this.
Jillieann

Very profound piece, Steph.  And my heart goes out to you.  Coming to a resolution not to transition is a long and difficult one, and I wish you the very best.  Much of what you have said I can totally relate to.

But for me it came down to "Transition or die", as I have tried three times in my life.  The last time was the wakeup call.  I am 54, about to turn 55.  I am now full time almost 6 months, and HRT for almost 11.  I lost my wife and home, because of GID.  I wish that on NO ONE. 

If you can find a way to keep what you love and cherish, it that instead.  If your own mental sanity can stand to remain in your current life, do it instead.  If you can find happiness where you are at in life, then do it.

Transition is not for the faint hearted.  And many do not survive it.  But for those who do, it is rewarding and fulfilling.

I wish you joy and peace as you go forward. 

Janet

Steph,

  Thank you for your post.  It is refreshing to hear this sort of perspective.  I also have no current plans for transitioning and wonder every day about how I will make it through the rest of my life.  I was touched by your honesty in writing about your regrets about having this issue take up so much of your time.  It is my hope that I can come to a decision (within the next year or two) about whether I will transition or not, and then not look back.  If I reach the firm decision to not transition, I hope to live my life without spending so much time thinking about this each day.  I may still struggle with GID every day, but the time that goes into dwelling on it, doing internet research, considering my options, etc, takes up a significant amount of time that could be spent elsewhere!!

I wish you all the best.

Joseph

Thanks for your post, Steph.  Other than a few details, I could have written much of the history you laid out.

I am 65 and am finally coming to terms with all this.  I always thought I was a crossdresser even though my earliest memories are of wanting to be a girl.  As I have opened the closet door, a lifetime of longings and feelings have come rushing out.

I thought seriously about SRS when I was 40 - 25 years ago.  But that was a different time and I was a different person.  Now I am just getting a glimmer that I may be able to transition.  I still don't know if I will be able to.

My wife died two years ago.  It was very difficult during her illness and after she died, but in one way it has given me the freedom to finally explore who I really am.  I don't wish the death of a spouse on anyone - it is a horrible experience that takes years to recover from.  But when one door closes another opens.

My daughter (35) is very supportive and encouraging.  My friends range from supportive acceptance to enthusiastic encouragement.  This has been a thrilling surprise to me.  I am now just beginning to think I just may be able to live fulltime as the woman I've always wanted to be.

Still, it is a difficult decision.  I was successful as a man.  I dressed in private.  My wife was usually accepting but would have prefered that I didn't dress.  Deciding which road to take and how far down that road you want to go can be a long, difficult process.  In the end, though, I think you have to be practical and go with your heart - not always an easy balancing act.

Good luck to you.  In many ways I know where you are in life.

To thine own self be true.
- Kate

Hi Steph and welcome

Great post btw, I'm sure many of us recognise ourselves in your writing. What can I say... Well, I'm 56 and started to transition when I was 39 although I had previously taken hormones for a period as a teenager and while in my early twenties. Never had a thing about cross-dressing personally and still dress very butch unless I'm going out to a club with girlfriends and then it's half for a laugh and half because I feel uneasy dressing up in a male style.

As for those regrets I did have them too although with time they've diminished as I've come to accept and treasure the life I've had and the trial we all have.

At the end of the day I've had sex, three marriages (two of which with lesbians), a grown up son and daughter in law who accept me for who I am and an enormous family through my last marriage.

Sometimes dark times can bring wonderful things, keep faith in yourself and the future and things will work out God willing.

I too have made the same choice you have but for different reasons - reasons I feel are very important to me all the same.  I am different than you though in that I did transition, and at a young age too, but ultimately decided that I should not continue it due to those important reasons I mentioned and so have since de-transitioned.

I too have learned that transition is not the right answer for me, and while it might bring relief from the symptoms of GID, it is not worth the excessive cost, so I too have had to learn how to deal with this on my own.

I believe you are correct in saying that many transgender sites tend to only focus on those who are transitioning while not a lot of attention is given to supporting those who do not transition.  There are many reasons for this of course, and among them are issues of validation.  If a transsexual individual can show or shows they can make it without transitioning, it seems to threaten some individuals who do choose to transition - at least that has been my experience.  I cannot tell you the number of people (TS I have known in person) who have told me that I am destined to fail in my choice not to transition, and they do this, I believe, because they need me to fail to prove to themselves they made the right choice and didn't give up their families, jobs, and old lives for nothing.

I am so impressed with your statement however that you cannot know if you succeeded in not transitioning until you fail or die because this is true.  I had friends, back when I was considering de-transitioning, who told me that it would be a mistake to do it, because no matter what, I'd be back - as in back to transitioning - but that I'd be older, and less successful at it.  I decided I would prove them wrong.

Of course their words came ringing back into my mind only a few short months after I de-transitioned when the GID exploded again.  I wondered if I could make it - if I wasn't just deceiving myself into thinking that the "transition or die" mantra didn't apply to me. 

It has been 7 years since then, and while I still struggle with the symptoms of GID, I have come to understand it to a much greater degree than I ever believe I could have had I transitioned.  I know where I am weak, and have learned how I can be strong.  I have experimented and am still experimenting with various coping techniques.  I have learned that some expression of femininity can be very helpful to relieve the symptoms, but just like a powerful prescription medication, doing too much of it can exaggerate the symptoms.  I have also learned that during the times when my GID isn't bothering me as much, I must absolutely not get into a pattern of behavior that pretends like it doesn't exist.  When I do this, and when the GID returns (because it always does) it always comes back stronger and more intense.  I have learned that even in the times my GID is letting me alone, if I continue with the same coping techniques, the rebound is much less destructive.

I married a few years after de-transitioning and made my wife aware of exactly who I was, what I had done, and what I would continue to struggle with.  She has been my constant ally ever since, helping to comfort me, as well as helping me to analyze what coping techniques work and which do not.  I could not do this without her.

There is no cookie cutter answer for everyone I have learned.  I have made a choice, and there is no magic pill to make the GID go away, nor a specific coping technique that works all the time.  I hope that as more make the decision as we have, they will not be afraid to speak up so that we might learn from each other, create our own guides and help sites, and ultimately present an alternative to transition for those who would choose not to.

Thank you for your insight - I very much hope you will share more with us of what you have done to help deal with the symptoms of GID.  Your post (and the replies to it) encourage me to speak out more often and share my own experiences as I too hope they can be of benefit to others.

Thanks Steph and Interalia for bringing this up.  I am just recently thinking I might be able to transition, but I've been around long enough to know that just because I can do something doesn't mean I should do it.  I am getting encouragement from my friends and daughter, but that doesn't mean I need to actually transition.  Sometimes I get all involved in the technical stuff - how to come out, where to get my facial hair removed, etc. - and forget about the big picture: Is this right for me? 

When I started dealing with this I just wanted to be able to get the paper off the lawn wearing a dress.  (Actually, more than that, but you get the idea.)  I always felt I would know when to stop on this road.  And your input is helping me think about where I am and how far I want to proceed.  This is a decision we each have to make for ourselves, taking into account our individual situation, those around us and our needs.

So thanks for bringing up the idea that we needn't rush headlong into transition.

Cheers,
Kate

Hi Steph. Excellent post and interesting replies.  As others have indicated, there is much there that I too, can identify with.  I'll be 56 this year and am trying again to transition.  It is amazing the resources that have been made available because of the Internet. Wish this was around back then. Though I told my wife a few years ago that I've brought my GID under control, I think she knows that I'm struggling with it.  My biggest anxiety is really over how this is effecting her and how I will be able to be sure she'll be taken care of when I finally do transition.
Anyway, I know that the decision you made is very difficult, and I understand how it affects your daily life. I truly hope the best for you as you continue to cope with such an intricate life.

Chrissty, hang in there.  You've come so far.  I'm very certain that you will complete your transition and be the happy woman you should be. Hugs.