Hi everyone. I'm happy I found this place

I'm going through a really dark period right now and I guess I need some kind of strength to carry on...

So I discovered recently that I'm not quite the man I thought I was. This is after graduating from college with no friends or meaningful relationship and moving to a new city for a new job (designer for a cartoon studio) that I hate being in and co workers I can't quite connect with.

It's been a rollercoaster month trying to come to terms with it all. Initially I was a nervous wreck in denial (I'm still not SURE what I want) just barely functioning at work. I can't eat or sleep properly for and just angry at the world for making me this way. I lived for 23 yrs always scared and uncertain of myself and gradually I hated myself immensely for being such a weakling. Still, I had things I looked forward to like material possessions, that special someone to share my life with, friends who would admire me and want to hang around with me- if only I can just get my act together and work on my skill as an artist......

but now all that seems lost. There's nothing to look forward to, only a life long existence of being rejected by everything. The thing is even as a girl I would be weak willed and clingy, the kind of person I used to look down on. There are lots of strong people here who knows what they want and carry on with their lives which is a great inspiration to me, but what do I do when I don't like myself as a guy nor a girl? I've worked so hard to assume a masculine persona, be strong, be independent, but knowing what I am now I feel like I'm just running away and looking for a way out. Even if I did want to be a girl, I can't bare the thought of coming out to my family, who's been through so much already and I feel like I'm betraying them by letting them down as the only son with two younger sisters. I'd like to think they are strong but I'm not so sure, and neither am I because I can't live without my family.

I'm trying to hang on as long as I can just being a guy...but I'm clearly not feeling well. When I try to act normal around my male coworkers I get this strange feeling of anxiety and depression. Things I used to enjoy as a guy suddenly seem meaningless and only triggers my anxiety. I feel weird tingling sensation 'down there' that won't go away which is a constant reminder that I can't lead this normal life anymore. I feel like I traded in my old life for something even worse. Everyday I wake up too early in the morning with sense of despair and hopelessness and the thought of continuing on like this for years, let alone months, seem impossible. I don't seem to have control over my own self anymore and that leads me to thoughts of suicide

so basically there doesn't seem to be a way out. I'm afraid I'm one of those individuals who choose death instead of facing the uncertainty. I want things to end so badly....only thing keeping me here is my family. I want to tell my mom before I die that I love her, than I'm sorry for always being angry and depressed. I want to apologize to my sisters for not letting them have a normal life. No matter how I spin it though I can't seem to see a possible future where I am still alive and feeling happy.

So why am I writing this here? I guess there's part of me that still wants to live on somehow. I guess I would like to know if others had it this bad during their first few years and if there is light at the end of the tunnel.

again you guys are brave and I hope you find happiness if not already.

Hiya Honey,

I'm a fair bit older than you, but after a living a relatively "normal" life, suddenly I found myself with the similar feelings of being trapped, with a lack of hope for the future. Slowly I'm trying to find the way ahead, and rediscover who I am.

Venting here can help a little, but with the way you describe that are feeling, you really need to get to see a therapist for a face to face chat as soon as possible. Just a little confidential help to discover 'who you are' and 'what you want in life' will make things a lot more manageable. Remember nobody needs to know your seeing a therapist unless you want to tell them.

Everyone experiences doubts about their life and their future at some point, and that's with or without the added "fun" of GID issues.

Take Care....and Welcome to Susan's



Chrissty

I agree, you do need to find a therapist immediately.  Talk things through, let them help you understand your issues.

It isn't ever easy.

Sarah L.

Well, over the past 15 minutes I've been resisting the urge to quote Charlie the Unicorn and say "YAAAAY, DARKNESS!"

And now that that's over, I do hope you feel better. It may seem hopeless sometimes, but you ought to pull though. :x

Hi Robo,   

Welcome to our little family. Over 1800 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion. Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers.  Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now.  And it is always nice to have another member.   

The fear of the unknown is just that, a fear.  Fear can be overcome.  Be all means, get a therapist.  Talk things over.

Janet

Hi I'm happy you found this place too! Please see a therapist to work this out. I resonate with parts of your post and felt some of those same feelings, it does get better.

Hugs,

Rhonda

There used to be an ad asking you if you wanted to be a 90 pound weakling or a strongman.  Of course, no 90 pound weakling was going to take this magic elixir they were selling and become a strongman.  Anyone who is weak has to work out to become strong.

It's the same thing with the mind.  Everyone starts out weak.  If you don't work out the mind you will stay weak.  If you do work out the mind it will become strong.

You said you looked down on weak people.  Why is that?  Is it because you feared becoming one of them?  Instead of focusing on how you perceive others or how weak you yourself feel, why not focus on taking the steps you need to, one at a time, and gain the strength you feel you lack? 

I've had people tell me I'm strong, I'm focused, I know what I want and go for it.  I would have never described myself that way.  I did so many things that told me I was weak.  And that didn't make me happy.  But if you aren't happy with yourself or with your life and you do something about it, you will improve.  With each success you'll feel stronger.  And pretty soon you'll look back at your post here and realize you were the one who made the changes in your life you needed to make.  And making those changes took strength but most of all, determination.

One thing that never changes is everything changes.  You will come out of this.  How long you stay out of it will depend on how much you are willing to do to take care of what needs to be done.  The darkness will fade and the light will shine.  The when is up to you.

Julie

Transition isn't for weak people.  Should you find that GID is your ultimate problem, it will take courage to risk everything to become a woman.

In your post you describe many of the symptoms of major depression.  Finding a therapist would be a good idea.  Once the cloud of depression is lifted things will probably look very different to you.  In the mean time, just getting out and exercising can help.

Thanks for the reply


I'm most calm when I'm by myself at home or just walking outdoors. It's just everything else that bothers me now. Sexual imagery, people just being themselves and enjoying their day, or just trying to watch the news gets me upset for some reason. I'm scared to socialize with co workers because I'm afraid I'll lose control. I guess control is a big issue for me and right now I have none. Just the thought of having to go out and get something to eat depresses me.

As I write this I'm trying to visualize myself as a girl but that upsets me too. If I really am what I think I am why does that bother me?

so therapy is probably what I need to seek, but what are the cost involved? I'm barely making above minimum wage and I don't really want to ask my parents for help.

It kind of depends where you are.  Some places, San Francisco for example, have fairly generous public mental health programs.  Go to your city or county's public health web sight and see what they offer in behavioral health services.

If you have LGBT organizations they can point you in the direction of therapists that will help you on a sliding scale.  Many therapists do offer sliding scales based on your ability to pay.

It's important that you deal with these issues.  They'll likely get worse if you ignore them.  Family is there to help.  You don't have to tell your parents about gender issues.  Tell them you're depressed and need help.

Dude, for your own sake, get help NOW! What you're describing sounds like severe depression, and I've been down that hole. It was horrid, it got so bad I very nearly went catatonic. PLEASE, take something from my experience and get therapy ASAP. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. You don't have to hit rock bottom before you seek help! It is not weakness to seek help; rather, it demonstrates strength to acknowledge that you need it. Take care and good luck.

You sound depressed to me too. It makes everything that much harder.

While you figure out how to get help, because it does sound like you need some help here, maybe you could have a look online for some self help stuff on dealing with depression. Aparently exersise can be as effective as medication for helping reduce symptoms of depression. Take good care of yourself, eat good things, go to bed early if you can sleep, get some exersise. Allow yourself time to be weak. In time you will heal.

Everything is probably going to feel like hard work but you are worth it, you still want to live. Keep asking for help. There is no shame in asking for help. Humans are not made to do it alone. Call help lines if you need too, keep talking to us, and contact your family and let them know you are stuggling. It sounds like you really love your family, your mum and your sisters, and I am sure they would want to help. It sounds like you have a good heart.

Things can get better.

Here is a youth depression help site from my own country. I think it is particulalry good even though some of the services won't be relevant. http://www.thelowdown.co.nz/#/home/

This site looked pretty good too
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm

You sound like i did a few months back, very depressed, anxious, shy, introverted and not fun to be around. but all that's changed since i started seeing a gender therapist. you are not weak, you found us and asked for help, that shows you really are a strong person. As far as family goes, you don't always think you know how they will react, some lose their family's and some accept us then there are some that you think you lost but over time accept, in my own case my very religious 89 year old stepfather, not in a million years did i think he would accept me and i had many sleepless nights and many therapy sessions till i was able to tell him, and guess what he was very accepting. Like myself and others have said you need You need to seek out a therapist to treat your depression right away, if you need help money wise I'm sure your parents would help.

Paula.

Hi again


I went to a clinic a few days ago for a temporary relief.
as far as the doctor knows I'm just a depressed guy and he prescribed me to wellbutrin XL.

it's probably too early to tell but I've been having moments of extreme despair and melancholy and usually later in the even a sense of euphoria and carefree-ness which I welcome, but it goes away eventually and I'm depressed at that fact.

right now I'm going through that depression state and everytime it seems more clear to me that I need to die. I'm planning on seeing a trans person in charge of support group here in Vancouver and I'm not sure if it will help me or upset me further, giving me that last push I need to off myself. We'll see how it goes tonight

Quote from: Claire de Lune on February 19, 2009, 12:17:34 PM
Transition isn't for weak people.  Should you find that GID is your ultimate problem, it will take courage to risk everything to become a woman.

thank you for saying that claire it should be said much more often

Quote from: robotomasher on February 19, 2009, 05:49:03 PM
Hi again


I went to a clinic a few days ago for a temporary relief.
as far as the doctor knows I'm just a depressed guy and he prescribed me to wellbutrin XL.

it's probably too early to tell but I've been having moments of extreme despair and melancholy and usually later in the even a sense of euphoria and carefree-ness which I welcome, but it goes away eventually and I'm depressed at that fact.

right now I'm going through that depression state and everytime it seems more clear to me that I need to die. I'm planning on seeing a trans person in charge of support group here in Vancouver and I'm not sure if it will help me or upset me further, giving me that last push I need to off myself. We'll see how it goes tonight

Talk to someone now!  You don't need to die.  Your life will get better.  It almost always does.  If you really feel like suicide call your local suicide hotline.  The number is 604-872-3311.  I've been where you are now and life seemed hopeless.  But I got help and I'm amazingly happy now.  One of the unfortunate things about antidepressants is they take a couple weeks to kick in.  Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. 

Quote from: robotomasher on February 19, 2009, 05:49:03 PM
he prescribed me to wellbutrin XL.

oh, i like that prescription! kinda xpensive though.

i have been on antidepressants for almost 2 years now.

the psychiatrists can really put you through hell finding meds that are right for you. it *is* a bit of trial and error, especially in the beginning.

be patient, and get involved by informing yourself about those meds.

hang in there.

-ell

Depression is the second most ubiquitous mental health disorder right behind anxiety. It doesn't sound comforting, but trust me you are not alone. I've been where you are before and there is a way out. Medication is half the equation in managing this. The other half is CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).

Thankfully therapists who practice this are quite easy to find. I can't echo enouh the voice of this thread for you to see a therapist. We can all give words of encouragement and armchair analysis, but nothing is going to be as effective as someone who is trained to help you cope with these issues.

If things get to be too much though the suicide prevention line is always there. You don't have to be suicidal for them to take your call either, just in a crisis. They've helped me through my toughest moments.