I was at McDonalds with my son, letting him run around in the playland area. There I was... wearing a Seahawks hoodie, Red Sox hat, cargo pants, new balance sneaks.. bearded, and looking the part of a "normal" American male.

Then this hit me like a wave: I felt like everyone KNEW about me.. knew that I wasn't normal, knew that I wanted to be a woman, and thought I was a freak. The rational part of me knew this wasn't accurate, but the rational part of me almost never wins a fight with my emotions.

I realized something... I expend a lot of effort to "pass" as "normal." Sometimes I feel like I'm working undercover as a guy.. Sometimes I feel like a cylon sleeper agent (nerd alert!). I'm constantly (and probably needlessly) concerned about my day-to-day actions and if they are perceived as "normal."

This makes me worry if I'll ever have the courage to transition.. I'm already probably too worried about what other people think of me, and I think to make it through transition you have to be able to let that stuff roll off you. It's always stuck to me like cat hair to a lint roller.

My therapist is going to get rich off me, isn't she?

I know what a cylon sleeper agent is so.. there's other nerds here too
I love the concept of the cylons in the new series, the old version was no fun, though it was okay cause they had a human working for 'em there too..

Anyways. I know how you feel about being "undercover". I have come out to a couple of people, but my family... no
I don't openly walk outside dressed as a bloke.
when you're ready, you're ready.

Holy cow, I've going through this for the past couple of months.  I didn't even think this was common, but reading your post, my thinking has changed.

I just recently came to terms with gender identity and accepted that it's OKAY to fulfill any gender role that I choose and that it's up to me to live the life that will make happy.  As a result, I've loosened up a lot mentally and feel like a different, evolving person every day.

Sometimes, I can't look people in the eye that I've know for a long time --- people in my "personal life".  At school, I just put on a strong facade so I can actually get things done. 

I've done a lot of soul-searching, questioning, researching, thinking, etc. etc.  But the biggest test is whether you've got the courage to act on your beliefs.  If you BELIEVE you're a woman, you have to ACT on it.  "Transition is NOT about physical changes, it's about accepting yourself and having the courage to be yourself, whatever that entails." 

We use the word "transition" to refer to gender role transition, but EVERYBODY should transition to their TRUE LIFESTYLE, regardless of their gender identity, sexual orientation, etc. etc. etc.  It's the path to happiness, which comes from a life of courage to act, a feeling of freedom every day.  FREEDOM is so important to the health of the human soul.  If you work things through and come to terms with your feelings, and accept yourself for who you are, then you'll ultimately know what will make you happy.   

I was afraid to see a therapist for a long time, but I'm SOOOO glad I'm doing it now, because I can finally let go of the shame/guilt/anguish/sadness I've felt in my life, and just be myself.  Instead of locking up everything inside and shutting down, I'm getting things out and feeling better.  It's allowing my mind to heal.  Stated in another way, when we can let go of the past and understand ourselves better, we're free to start looking into the future and make better decision for ourselves.   Just talking to someone, anyone, about how I actually feel is IMMENSELY important in allowing me to emotionally to heal.

I so want a cheeseburger now. 

Quote from: Ashling on February 21, 2009, 06:14:02 PM
If you BELIEVE you're a woman, you have to ACT on it.
"Transition is NOT about physical changes, it's about accepting yourself
and having the courage to be yourself, whatever that entails."

"Yeah Baby!...Groovin" 

Quote from: Nero on February 21, 2009, 06:17:22 PM
I so want a cheeseburger now. 

Mmmmm!...cheeseburger