So... I have been dreading tell my parents.
I decided in July that the man I am can no longer be denied. It took 38 years for that journey. I grew up in a very conservative fundamental baptist environment (Junior high through college). It was hard enough labeling myself as a lesbian. Most of my trepidation comes from that coming out process. For my mother, it was nearly devastating. Her faith system is very homophobic. In hindsight (with the help of my therapist), I know see her reaction as one of concern. My father has been more (comparatively) accepting.
When I came out to my fiance, she was completely and remains fully supportive. She is actually paying for the first two surgeries.
My business associates and friends have completely accepted my coming out. It was an almost seamless transition from "she" to "he" in their minds. Very few had questions, and those that did were truly genuine in their inquiries.
My fear of the unknown lies completely with my family. It has been the fear of the unknown that has consumed me. Ironically, I am not terribly "close" to my parents. I have not seen my mother in eight years, and we talk rather infrequently over the phone. My father wasn't much of one to me growing up. He was busy working out his own issues. When he turned 50, he began reaching out to me.
With my mother, I think I am less concerned with her reaction than I am the "tone" in which she will react. She actually forced me out of the closet the first time. Berating me with biblical texts (that I can logically and hermeneutically counter) was unsettling. There is also a mixture of appreciative respect. Knowing that she will have a hard time with the fact that her only daughter is going to become her son weighs on me. Perhaps it is the son in me that wants to protect his mom from being hurt.
With my father, it is unclear how he will react. Having recently formed a bond of sorts, it feels uncomfortable to jeopardize it.
Having written all of that, I also realize that it is the inability to un-ring the bell. Once it is spoken out loud to both my mother and father, it can not be un-rung. Perhaps, that is my biggest fear. Speaking it out loud to people around me has been truly liberating, but those people are in my peripheral. My parents are closer, not only to my heart, but to my existence. Of course, I hope for acceptance and unconditional love. But, I am prepared for excommunication by both of them.
I suppose, I will know tomorrow. I have just determined that I am finished procrastinating. I am going to call both of them tomorrow and get this over with. Let come what may, this boy is about to become a man and tell is parents who he truly is.
Wish me luck. (Prayers are appreciated, too.)
