We're all at different points in coming to terms with our impulses to feel like the opposite sex (be they sexual or otherwise), so I'd like to pose a broad question: Have you ever or do you ever fantasize about actually being a member of the opposite sex?  And if so, how has crossdressing fulfilled that fantasy?  If you didn't/don't fantasize in the above manner, was it the "release" of crossdressing that fulfilled your fantasy?

I ask because I feel like an ugly duckling in the TV/TG/TS community, because I have a very similar past to a lot of the posters in this crossdressing forum (got the nerve to start dressing at age 12, euphoric butterflies in stomach, guilty at first but got over it), but crossdressing just doesn't "fulfill me".  The thing is, I always have had VERY strong fantasies about actually being a woman and found a lot of peace when I was female in my dreams.  Eventually, I couldn't even fantasize about being female anymore because it was too painful.  Recently, I started crossdressing again (age 25), and it was fun like when I was younger, but I've spent so much time in female clothing that it no longer turns me on just to wear it (it feels too "normal").   In addition, I've been very careful to separate my feminine feeling from my sexuality, such that being feminine is not a sex-centered way of being in the world (although I very much enjoy anal sex when I'm in female mode, but not male mode). 

At this point in time, the only thing that releases me from being "feminine feeling deprived" is for me to erase my masculinity in an many ways as possible (wear makeup, crossdress, etc.) until I start to "feel female."  When i look in the mirror, I "see myself" (a person more true to who i actually am, a person that isn't the "me" I've seen my whole life) and I have the feeling that a fog is clearing out of my head, and I'm very content and happy and no longer anxious/dissociated/depressed.  I really, really want to feel this way all the time, but transitioning to being female full-time is just...a lot to chew on.  I constantly have doubts about how to resolve my feelings, and therapy is once a week and is super slow.

Has anybody had similar experiences to this (crossdressing, but eventually wanting more)?

Most definitely I have had those thoughts quite often. Actually everyday when I see the clothes in my closet. However I'm 54 and it may be a little late in life. Also my personality is sometimes erratic and spontaneous. What if I changed my mind. There are many cases of that. It is reccomended that a person live one full year en Femme (crossdressing) before making the final leap. I would love to take an extended vacation and crossdress all of the time just to see if I could live that way always. Hugs, Genevieve

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Post Merge: February 19, 2009, 02:16:53 AM

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Genevieve here again. Post Script: It sure would be nice to not have to use breastforms. I think boobs would be great. But there again, what if the size was wrong and I changed my mind again. Too small? Too large? Now that the question came up I'll be preoccupied with these thoughts for days. BYBy, Genevieve

LOL, I have those exact same thoughts.  I've been a perfectionist my whole life, and that's one of the things that's caused a lot of internal emotional problems for me.  I think that spending time in therapy will help me to come to terms with frustration from perfectionism.

Most genetic women have tons and tons of features that they hate, and Western women spend an average of 1 hour a day working on their appearance.  I think loving/hating your body is something that "true men" can never understand, and it is a central characteristic of trans-type people.

Quote from: Ashling on February 19, 2009, 12:01:14 PM
I think loving/hating your body is something that "true men" can never understand, and it is a central characteristic of trans-type people.

Amen to that, sister!  My body has been built to my specifications for the most part, and I still have "bad hair days!" 

But even on the worst of my bad days, I am so totally happy with the body that I have now.  There was a time I couldn't stand to look at myself naked (read most of my life).

Ashling, I too went through quite a long phase of saying that I was a crossdresser.  But when I was dressed, all I really felt was "normal".  I did have a certain period of "doing a naughty thing" type of eroticism, but for the most part during those times I finally felt like myself.

They say that the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual is about two years. 

In my case it was a bit longer than that...

-Sandy

Before I transitioned, I didn't cross dress often. What struck me was how "right" it felt to dress, even though I was obviously male. After a great deal of therapy and introspection, I realized that I could not deny something that I knew since childhood. Are you currently working with a therapist? You might want to consider finding one that has experience with gender issues.

I'm 39 years old now and have probably been fantasizing off and on about being female for probably 33 years.

I can't honestly say that crossdressing or the "releas" of crossdressing has helped fulfill those fantasies. But, it does help come close.

Ideally, I'd be something of a shapeshifter, able to change my anatomy at will depending on my mood.

I usually fantasize about being a female with a male or a female. The exception for me is every 3-4 months or so I will have a streak of straight fantasies. I have doubts a lot too. the window where transitioning stops being effective (as I recall) is at age 26, and that is quickly approaching. I feel like if I ever want to do it now would be the best time, but I'm still just coming to terms with everything.

I'm see my therapist once a month, but she just does CBT with me and have no experience w/ gender issues. I don't know what to tell you Ash...stay strong.

Ashling,

Yeap - I have fantisied about being female and even start HRT with a view to living full time as Alice. That did not work out so I am back to cross dressing.

Alice

I think about it all the time.  Actually, the first time I can remember fantasizing about being female was as a young boy- I wanted to be a little girl so bad!  Then as a young teen I dressed fully for the first time and felt very comfortable (scared but comfortable) at being a "girl."  I didn't dress for many years, thought about it on and off during that time, then one day it all came back.  Am 49 now and dress when I can but I think about being a woman all the time.

I have those feelings from time to time. I am happy and content as a crossdresser and have no desire to transition. However, there are those times I wish that I was woman. When I dress I feel complete and liberated. I wear a skirt and cami around the house. In a perfect world, I would dress 24/7.

Gennee

Ashling, I spend more than an hour getting ready. So, no complaining. I am most comfortable with me. However. Better is good. Not practicle?: Breastforms; C D and"DD" Would not that be fun for a particular occasion. Being demure and charming is always acceptable. "C"There are times when the trollop part of me is rampant. "D" or "DD" maybe I'm a little crazy. By the way many men are far more narcistic than women. Cowboys, coat and tie business men almost always primp when passing a reflecting window on the street. Maybe women do not because they're self-confident. "Self confidence" Cool.   
No body is perfect. One boob a little lower , not a problem. Oops! Readjust. Nice talking to you. Sorry if I seem a little crazy. I just came from a friends house. She gave two skirts and some sips of vodka. The skirts are nice. OH I must try them on. I would like to communicate with you more often.  ByBY and Hugs Geneieve.

Quote from: chrysalis on February 19, 2009, 03:32:24 PM
I usually fantasize about being a female with a male or a female. The exception for me is every 3-4 months or so I will have a streak of straight fantasies. I have doubts a lot too. the window where transitioning stops being effective (as I recall) is at age 26, and that is quickly approaching. I feel like if I ever want to do it now would be the best time, but I'm still just coming to terms with everything.

I'm see my therapist once a month, but she just does CBT with me and have no experience w/ gender issues. I don't know what to tell you Ash...stay strong.

The pubic bone fuses around 26, and hormones start to become exponentially less effective with each passing year from that point. 

I'm turning 26 in a couple of weeks myself.  I had a relatively late puberty and I'm pretty healthy (becoming more supple), so I think I would be okay if I start hormones this year.  I'll be deciding in the next 3-4 months whether I should transition to living 100% as female.

My therapist is doing her dissertation on transgender children right now, but like I've said in other posts, this does not necessarily imply that she's an overall expert in gender issues. 

The SINGLE MOST important knowledge a therapist can have (in my opinion) is what gender-related factors predict long-term happiness in those who do/don't transition.  Do crossdressers sometimes transition and regret it?  What percentage of crossdressers regret not transitioning?  What are their personal histories like?  Questions I would like answers to.  I've been getting some answers so far on this forum, but I am committed to digging even deeper.

Therefore, I'll be a regular poster for the next year. 

P.S. I hope I can contribute something of value to this community.  FFS is one area where there's no much damn misinformation, it makes me wanna cry.

Quote from: chrysalis on February 19, 2009, 03:32:24 PM
I usually fantasize about being a female with a male or a female. The exception for me is every 3-4 months or so I will have a streak of straight fantasies. I have doubts a lot too. the window where transitioning stops being effective (as I recall) is at age 26, and that is quickly approaching. I feel like if I ever want to do it now would be the best time, but I'm still just coming to terms with everything.

I'm see my therapist once a month, but she just does CBT with me and have no experience w/ gender issues. I don't know what to tell you Ash...stay strong.

The only thing I can do is explore my fantasies, and tease out what is "real" and what is too fantastic.  So far, I can say that a lot of fantasies ACTUALLY make me happy when I live them.  Seeing myself as female makes me feel alive, like a living, breathing person, not just a shell of a person going through the motions. 

If this feeling proves to be strong over the next 3 months, I'm starting on hormones.  WHEN IN DOUBT, EXPERIMENT.  Go out and gain knowledge.  You can't make decisions fantasizing all day, is what I've learned.  Courage to act translates into happiness in the long run.

About CBT, I agree, it's not that helpful unless you're dying from depression.  The thing I want out of therapy is to be able to accept myself as I want to be, and if that means crossdressing at home and being an effeminate man at work, or if it means full-time female with the works, it doesn't matter.  Cause the goal is to be able to live your life no longer afraid of who you really are.

Yeah I really need to see a gender therapist but the only one in my area isn't licensed for anything and seems a bit too new age for me to think I'll ever get anything out of it.

I have found though that integrating small feminine aspects, like gesticulations or word choice, intonation, and phrasing is nice passive way of getting there. I'm hoping that eventually people can get the idea over the long term if I "transition" like this. It's easier for them to deal with if it happens slowly, and in any case if you already act the part it makes coming out, whether by choice or accident, that much easier.

Quote from: chrysalis on February 20, 2009, 04:01:10 AM
Yeah I really need to see a gender therapist but the only one in my area isn't licensed for anything and seems a bit too new age for me to think I'll ever get anything out of it.

I have found though that integrating small feminine aspects, like gesticulations or word choice, intonation, and phrasing is nice passive way of getting there. I'm hoping that eventually people can get the idea over the long term if I "transition" like this. It's easier for them to deal with if it happens slowly, and in any case if you already act the part it makes coming out, whether by choice or accident, that much easier.

My therapist isn't a gender therapist, per se.  I'm really winging it as I go alone.  Basically, I'm eroding the male persona and letting the female one come through. 

I have NO idea what people think of my progressively female persona.  I'm walking more effeminately.  I'm completely imagnining I'm female at "school" around people I know.  They don't seem to understand it yet.

Anyway, I'm really starting to open up and evolve as a person.  I was mortified to even talk to a therpapist 2 months ago, and here I am just spilling it on the Internet.

I'm wondering whether I'll transition to full-time female, but I just can't see a future otherwise.

I hope to God that everybody transitioning out there is finding happiness....my heart really goes out to everybody right now having struggles in their lives over their gender identity.

I wouldn't say fantasize about being a woman.  Cross dressed off and on for years, even when I was married.  The thing that I remember most was how jealous I was of two of my wives went they were pregnant.  I so wanted to feel how they felt.

Janet

Quote from: Janet Lynn on February 22, 2009, 12:46:54 AM
I wouldn't say fantasize about being a woman.  Cross dressed off and on for years, even when I was married.  The thing that I remember most was how jealous I was of two of my wives went they were pregnant.  I so wanted to feel how they felt.

Janet

I've always been "jealous" of the fact that women get to wear girls' clothes, makeup, and act the way they do (i.e. jealous of women getting to be women).  I felt angry a lot of times, like they were taking something for granted they had that I desperately wanted to have.  Kind of like looking at spoiled rich kid dropping his icecream on the sidewalk and not caring...

Anyway, I used to imagine what it would be like if I could just go to school in a dress.  I'd play that scene over and over in my head. 

My gender concepts have been so shaken up lately, I feel like I'm both male and female in my head.  I'm going to have to pick one soon....

You don't have to pick one. We view gender as being frozen in a binary framework (male or female) but really those are just the extremes. There is a wildly different world of combinations in between. Don't worry about where you will land, just listen to your feelings and follow them without fear; trust me, they will guide you to where you want to be.

I used to fantasize about it a lot (more fantasizing about being a girl because I was younger then), but then it stopped for a while because there were bigger things going on in my life (aka, trying to figure out how to be a functioning person in general).  Then last summer I googled something on a whim and now I feel like I'm nearing the top of the first big hill of a very long rollercoaster.  I love rollercoasters, but that feeling right before the first dip is so uncomfortable.

I just spent 16 out of the last 24 hours glued to my monitor, searching amazon for new clothes to buy.  The 'You May Also Like...' just kept being so right on.  My cart has $400 worth of beautiful clothes, and that's not counting the stuff I put in a separate wishlist because it was too expensive ($20+).  I feel exactly like when I would download new girls clothing for my sims 2 characters except now they're for me.

Speaking of which, I used to use Sims 2 a lot to act out my being-a-girl fantasies.  I have to stay away because it will suck me in for days at a time, and when it's over I'm still the way I am.

I remember as a child having a repetative dream about being abducted by space ship and taken somewhere were I was place in a room and converted into a female by a machine. It was interesting but whenever the dream started getting good I would awake. The dream would only happen by itself. I could not will the dream. Strange but true. Genevieve

I used to imagine that same scenario all the time as a kid, but I never had very many dreams like it.