I have noticed a few mental changes since I started T. For one thing, I seem to be less patient. I don't think this is caused by stress because I was a lot more stressed before T.

Also, I am more likely to speak without thinking. I used to have good filters in place, but now...well, I'm dismayed that I seem to have lost some of my control. I have used swear words a couple of times in class (nobody seemed to be offended), and I thoughtlessly put a student on the spot the other day when he politely said, "Yes, ma'am." Normally, I would have let that pass; I'm not presenting as male yet. Instead, I promptly said, "PLEASE don't call me ma'am." I didn't give him an alternative, either. He muttered "sir" under his breath, and I immediately regretted my rashness.

The student will survive, but I don't like this effect and am worried that I'll continue to say the wrong thing at the wrong time and perhaps make a worse faux pas. Apart from staying as vigilant as possible, I can't think of any way to stop speaking without thinking. I suppose this will just take a lot of practice.

If you're on T, did you have this problem? Did you have to work at keeping a civil tongue? Did the problem go away, or is it still there?

I'm not on T and I had a patience issue. I guess the only thing you can do is try to be aware of it, it'll take some time.

Also, I just realized your signature has a Dr.Horrible quote, hahaha.

Oh I have that problem constantly.

...I'm also not on T yet. I'm currently being bomboarded with - and deleting without reading - angry e-mails for posting something that I thought (and still think) was funny at the time. Apparently insulting whores is taboo in some areas of America.

...God help me on T.

But seriously, I doubt that any shades of "diarrhea of the mouth" syndrome are the results of T; everyone I've talked to says that T made them calmer and more rational, which I assume also applied to their speech. The patience issue is probably T-linked, though - after all, the hormones coursing through your body are telling you that you're an alpha male and should be getting what you want when you want it from your lower pack members.

Testosterone DID make me calmer... but I noticed I was far more prone to standing up for myself. I never saw this as a bad thing, honestly. I worked at Taco Bell for a couple months while on T the last time, and my "superiors" felt it necessary to pick on me every chance they got. In the past, I would have stood by and let them, secretly seething on the inside for days. Instead, I let them have it... and in my opinion, things turned out for the better. I was respected at work, though a few people thought of me as a bit of a hothead... I think people just really don't like being put in their place.

SD

I've always had a mouth on me, I'll credit my dad for putting a very competitive drive in me from early childhood. But I was also pretty good at holding my anger and frustration in, and letting it out in my own way, by myself, before T.
One of the first mental changes I noticed in the first few months of T, was patience. I've never been a really patient person, but after T, it definitely sky rocketed. After almost a year on T, I've learned to quiet myself in my head, and just talk myself through it, silently, but it's hard sometimes no doubt.
I have a pretty tight relationship with two bio males, whom are twins. We are known to party pretty hard on the weekends (I've been slowing down in the past couple months). But months 3-6 on T, we'd get drunk, and box. I got boxing gloves from an old neighbor, and we quickly put them to use one night. I'm 5'4 150-160 (depending on the month) and my buddy is about 5'9 220. I got the first hit in, and it set him off real quick. Granted I was pretty intoxicated, he kicked my ass. I woke up with the worst headache/body ache ever. And it fueled me to one another go. Sure enough, a couple weeks later, we had a little party, and me and another friend went at it. It started out friendly (he's a gay queeny boy), and told me "no face shots". He was my size, a little heavier, and hit me in the face once, it set me off, and I pumbled the crap out of him, until he shouted STOP. I stopped, and in that moment realized I needed to relax. I really got caught up in the moment, and forgot for a instance, this is my FRIEND. What started out as fun, turned into an all out brawl, and it truly bothered me. On a side note, I decided after I have top surgery, I'm gonna get into boxing. It's a great stress release.
I know a lot of T guys deal with more anger/agression, and for others it "calms" you, everyone is different. It's how you learn to deal with it, that matters. I've always been a very competitive person, and enjoy a good fight, but not in a animalistic way. My aggression has definitely tuned down the past couple months, but I defitenily don't put up with ANYONE disrespecting me.
I work in retail, which sometimes feels like HighSchool. Considering the age range is 18-28. I work in close corters with one girl in particular, whom a year ago was a really close "friend" to me. Until I realized she's nothing but drama, and feeds off it. I've found myself lately, calling her out on everything she says, about anyone, when they're not around, and in general just not wanting to be around her. And in the past month she's quick to bring up how "confrentational" I am, when in reality, I'm just calling her out on stuff she's been doing for the past year in a half I've known her, it just never bothered me until lately.
So for me, yes, T definitely triggered more agression and anger inside me. But honestly, I think it was just stuff I was supressing before T, and now that I'm more comfortable within myself, it's coming out of me freely.

For me T has given me confidence in who I am, because I can finally be myself.  Yes, I tend to say what I think right up front, and call it like I see it.  I think it's more from the fact that I'm confident and not that I'm turning into an arse.

Also, raised as a 'lady' I was taught to be polite and not say things unless they were nice.  I used to just bite my tongue and smile and seethe inside and never ever spoke my mind.  T has been very freeing in a good way.

Overall I'm very calm and zen, so I don't think my new outspokenness is a loss of a filter, just I'm now allowed to be myself.  I don't think that's jerky at all.

I've been kind of worried about T having the opposite effect on me. I always think before I speak now, because I don't have to worry how what I say will be taken.
Seems like women have more freedom to say whatever they want,
Hope I'm wrong about that.

The reason women can get away with saying more is that nobody takes them seriously.  Just an "Okay, calm down!" and a condescending smile.

Quote from: Mr. Fox on March 09, 2009, 05:19:06 PM
The reason women can get away with saying more is that nobody takes them seriously.  Just an "Okay, calm down!" and a condescending smile.

Amen to that, sir - although in company of the other subsects of this forum, it might not be so wise to say.

Well, whatever is causing this verbal freedom, I don't think it's ever okay to put a student on the spot in the way that I did. But I'm fine with politely but firmly speaking my mind. It's about time.

I noticed that some of my (latent?) misogyny is starting to come out, too. And I worked so hard on that for so many years...sigh. I'll just have to work harder, I guess.

You know, I've thought long and hard about what I'd like to reply to this thread.. and you know what.
I wish T would have that effect on me. I'm so hesitant and spend so much time thinking about what I mean before I say it that sometimes I realize that a month's gone by before I settle on "my opinion" and it turns out to be the same as the first thing. Meh.. things like that.

Quote from: Miniar on March 10, 2009, 10:29:43 AM
You know, I've thought long and hard about what I'd like to reply to this thread.. and you know what.
I wish T would have that effect on me. I'm so hesitant and spend so much time thinking about what I mean before I say it that sometimes I realize that a month's gone by before I settle on "my opinion" and it turns out to be the same as the first thing. Meh.. things like that.

Well, it's not what I would call a fully positive effect when I'm likely to just pounce on someone without thinking. The other day, I started to do it with my therapist, for chrissake, and I'm crazy about the man. He was just reminding me of something, and I took it the wrong way and started to jump down his throat. Fortunately, he's pretty unflappable, but I felt bad nonetheless.

In time, perhaps I can transform these little episodes into reasonable assertiveness. But it's going to take a lot of effort.

Miniar, are you already on T?

Even though you don't think it's stress, it sounds a lot like stress is causing it not the T. Maybe because you're feeling less of the stress you're bottling up some frustrations and verbally releasing them when something gets to you.

See if you can do anything to release some aggression. Go to the gym, run around the block or other exercises.

I'm a very calm person and it can take a lot to anger me. But because I tend to be so calm when I'm somewhat agitated I can fly off the handle with little things setting me off. It's not that I'm an aggressive person, it's just that I think things roll of my back when they're actually being bottled up and then it builds up until I reach the breaking point.

Anyway, there's my 2 cents.

Quote from: Osiris on March 10, 2009, 12:44:34 PM
Even though you don't think it's stress, it sounds a lot like stress is causing it not the T. Maybe because you're feeling less of the stress you're bottling up some frustrations and verbally releasing them when something gets to you.

See if you can do anything to release some aggression. Go to the gym, run around the block or other exercises.

Yeah, there's definitely stress there, but it's different from before. Before T, I was in a constant, heightened state of extreme anxiety. It was horrific. Now, I have much less anxiety but still a lot of pressure. I'm getting ready to present as male full-time in a few weeks. I'm officially coming out at my job this week. It's the last week of classes, and we're heading into finals week soon; this is the most stressful part of the term for me. I'm dealing with some very heavy stuff in therapy. I'm worried about whether my relationship will survive. On the horizon, I'm deciding whether to bind when I start presenting as male, and I'm starting to think about whether I want top surgery. I'm gaining rather than losing weight on T, and that sort of bothers me--I worked so hard to lose thirty pounds, and I'm still overweight, and now some of it might be coming back (I can't tell whether I'm just picking up muscle mass or what).

I think I'm handling all of this rather well, but I guess I'm starting to sort of leak around the edges. So I'm going to take steps to make sure I stay emotionally healthy. I definitely need to start exercising more. Now that the weather is turning nice, I can start going for walks around the neighborhood again without freezing my butt off. That should help to relieve some of the tension. And I have to miss a therapy appointment next week--I wasn't going to reschedule, but now I think it would be prudent to see my therapist. I'm going to tell him that I do want to reschedule after all. And I was going to blow off one of my support groups this week, but now I've decided to go.

I am happier on T. But I still have so much crap in my life. So I'm going to take care of myself. And maybe my smart mouth will start to improve. I'm going to stay vigilant no matter what--so much has changed so fast, and I never know what's going to happen next.

Thanks, guys.

Yeah I figured stress was at the heart of it. It does sound like you're handling it all pretty well. And like you said, with T you feel calmer, but that state of calmness will make your moments of frustration more explosive. The trick is realizing when you're coming to the breaking point and finding a good way to release tension.

I think you have a good plan.

I don't think before I speak.. especially if I am angry or agitated aswell.

Sometimes words come out of my mouth and then I think.. "How stupid did I just sound?" or "Why did I say that for?" and then kick myself.

But sometimes my opinions are extremist and I start arguments which I generally walk away from.

T hasn't made me calm at all, I am just like I was before. Except more angry and argumentative.
But my Dr reckons I have "anger" issues and need to see someone for "anger" management.. but I don't believe in all that rubbish so I refused to go. When I start losing friends or my job then I will re-think but now.. I will be me!

Jay

On T, I find that I am less angry at myself.  When puberty hit, I blamed myself for it; I was angry at myself for not being able to stop it from happening the way it was.  Yeah, that's messed up, 'cuz I really didn't have any control over it--but there it is.  I spent the next decade or so concentrating all that anger at myself and what my body had turned into.  That's starting to dissipate on T.  I guess I feel that I have more control over my situation now, and I'm feeling more content in my body and the changes I'm seeing.

The anger I feel towards others has never amounted to even a tenth of the anger I felt towards myself.  My anger at others is under my control; the last time I truly lost control of my anger towards another person, I was a child.  My impulse control has vastly improved since then. But even so, people sometimes do act in a crude manner. 

So what has changed after T is that I'm less apt to let others "walk all over me."  Seriously, no comment or action, no matter how rude or uncalled for, would garner much of a response from me before.  There are times to let stupid stuff slide, but pre-T I would let everything slide and some of it would just grate on my nerves and it would take me forever to let it go.  Now, I'm more likely to speak my mind/stick up for myself.  That being said, I don't find myself being bothered by more stuff than usual.  But if it's something I know will be on my mind later, I'm more likely to deal with it when it comes up so that it won't be.  Really, it seems that I've developed assertiveness rather than excessive aggressiveness.

Quote from: Arch on March 10, 2009, 12:24:56 PM
Miniar, are you already on T?

Nope, working on it.

Quote from: petzjazz on March 09, 2009, 06:29:17 PM
Amen to that, sir - although in company of the other subsects of this forum, it might not be so wise to say.

Who would I offend other than sexist people?

Women ARE allowed to say just about anything they want. For some reason, people always look the other way, or justify it in one way or another. I'm not sure if it's because women aren't taken seriously, or if it's just that they're given more leeway... regardless, I've certainly seen this in my own life. Before transition, I was a very forward, brash person. I have the curse of extreme honestly, and I've always been unabashedly unapologetic about it. Once people saw me as a guy, though, I was a jerk. I was someone with an anger problem, attitude problem, what have you. Stereotypically, women are supposed to be soft and yielding, kind and gentle... and men are often seen to be the opposite. While I certainly disagree with these stereotypes, I know they are still held as truth among the general populace. So... why the discrepancy? All I can figure is that it goes back to my belief that life is far harder on males than females, for one reason or another.

SD