Some of you probably know that I have been going through a process of 'coming out'. Just wanted to share some of my observations.

I never thought it would be this good. I also thought I would be happier than I was. Now those two statements kind of sound contradictory don't they? I'll explain. I've never felt so 'real', like I am presenting my real self to the world. I feel a richness that was lacking. Before I was presenting a thin veneer to the world, now I am a whole sandwhich. I can do things now and I don't have to explain it. I can go and buy bright sparkly blue eye shadow and can openly wear clothes I couldn't before, my mum whines that she can see my petticoat. I find that I notice myself moving different, reacting differently with my emotions, walking in a different way. I am starting to find I can straight up tell people I am trans. I'm newly minted. My wife says the last few weeks have been like living with a teenage girl and then tells me she loves me. I feel like a teenager with the weird paradoxal feeling that I am a 32 year old teen.

Am I happier? Not really, I still have lows (my counsellor suspects I have some depression), life is still hard, I still need to get up at 2 in the morning to put my daughter back to bed, I still need to go to work though now I have to move quicker if I want time to put on some makeup. I still have dysphoria (though the possiblity of hormone therapy is looking like reality).  I don't really feel happier, but life is so much better. I feel real, I feel solid, I cast a shadow. Maybe this means I am happier, or maybe the world has become much more filling and satisfying. I'm a real person.

Can anyone relate?

Congrats, nicky! 

That's very good, I'm happy for you.

Congrats, dear! 

Quote from: Nicky on March 18, 2009, 09:07:20 PM
Can anyone relate?

*raises hand*

It's definitely a weight off your shoulders. It's like you know that people are seeing you not some mask. Like you said, it doesn't make you happier, but it certainly helps.

that's great hon! i'm so happy for you.

hi nicky, sound exactly like me, ive never felt so open and myself in my life its brill, but there is also that underlying feeling that i get usally after i have had a really good day, im still not 100% sure what it is. i think its possible that im so close to being the real me all the time and there are little things and big things maybe that i need to do to complete it its like ive have a glimse at something but im not allowed to have it. i feel ive totally changed as a person though do have days were i slip back into the old me sort of like a defualt setting usally when stressed and i hate it. cos now i know thats not me. i can totally relate to the teenage thing and my wife probably can too. though this is a period of reinvention which is a very teenage thing to do, you need to find your own style again to define yourself. im currenly waiting to see if i can start hormones to balance me out and hopfully get rid of the dysphoria a little, i dont know why i think that will work i just sort of do, i feel it deep down that its just right.
also do you find people are relating to you differently now, most people i know find me a lot happier person to be with well most of the time. and that is one of the biggest things ive found. its like i now have room for other people in my head as i spent a lot of time living in it, and my problems tuck up all the space.
anyway good luck nicky, let me know how your going on with all this as we really have nothing to compare this too,

Congrats Nick

I probably had GID since as far back as memory can go but had no way of knowing what it was at the time and all I could do is repress it for to many year and to many years. I tried to medicate, not just GID, but a number of other problems as well with alcohol which nearly ended with fatal results.

Once I sobered up I was diagnosed with having a bipolar disorder, mostly on the depressive side. I was prescribe some meds and did quite well for a number of years, until the GID was getting more intense and finding it harder to repress. I didn't discover what transsexuality and GID meant until 1998 and began full time in 2000 one month before I was on HRT. But even then, after that first day I felt liberated and was already feeling more comfortable in my skin. Happy? not realy at first, but I did feel great relief, especially after I came out full time at work and all accepted me like I had never been anything else but a woman, a few curious asked a few questions in the early part of my transitioning but that fell away after a time and I was treated like any of the other women in town.

The happiness came slowly after I began taking HRT. after a couple of years I was happy finally, content and whole. I could live my life as me, the real me I should have been from the very beginning. It's like an instinct, we know who we are inside from the start and as the eyars progress we can not find peace until we bring soul and body in harmony as one.  Since then I have dropped the amount of meds I was taking to just a couple of pills compared to the handful I use to have to take before. Happiness will come to you hun when the time arives and you are oppen to reciev or surender 100% to the innerself with oppen arms.

Cindy

Very happy for you Nicky.

Seems like you have come to accept and love yourself and that's best both for you and your loved ones.

(((Big Hug)))

Sounds like you're very happy. Good for you. Probably a person stills has their down times. We couldn't appreciate laughter if we have never cryed.

to a newly minted solid sandwich, cheers.

Thank you all for your replies!

Osiris:
Part of me thinks people are seeing exactly the same person, it is more like I'm no longer looking through the mask. Hope that makes sense. The world has more color without the veil.

Sparkles:
I find I'm the one relating differently to people now. As you said, thier is more room in my head for them. I was always blocking people out, shutting them down, keeping them at a distance. This is something I still need to work at as it just comes unconciously.

Cindybc:
Yeah, I think hormones will have quite an affect on me - mentally that is. My counsellor says that for many transgendered people it is like the piece of the puzzle that is missing.

Pica pica:
Thanks mate, you're a doll

Quote from: Nicky on March 19, 2009, 02:04:52 PM
Part of me thinks people are seeing exactly the same person, it is more like I'm no longer looking through the mask. Hope that makes sense. The world has more color without the veil.

Makes perfect sense. It's very freeing not to have to worry about keeping a certain image. Then you get to start really living.

You're doing the right thing Nicky IMO...

Anyway you would look really great as a girl, word!