So, I've been doing some serious thinking these past two weeks, and I've realized that I've been trying to rationalize myself into my birth gender and trying to squash my... emotional doesn't seem strong enough a word, but spiritual seems too strong a word.. identification as female.  Now that I know this I don't know where to go.

I've told my best friend about my feelings before, and yet I can't seem to find the time to talk to her about my issues, and when the opportunity presents itself, I freeze up even though I obviously have nothing to fear.  Same as how I can't tell my girlfriend, even though she often tries to get me into a dress, so I have a funny feeling she wouldn't be against this.

At 21 years of age, I'm realizing that my complete lack of motivation:  My dropping GPA, my lack of career focus, my generally angry and negative attitude towards all but a very small cadre of people, my propensity for substance abuse, and the fact that it's hard for me to get up in the morning are all related to this underlying feeling.

It's probably related to my miserably failed attempt at coming out in high school.

How do I get over these fears and anxieties of being open with other people? and where do I go from there? I guess are my questions.

I spy with my little eye something beginning with D...


Well I am no expert, but you sound like you're depressed to me.

Are you seeing a therapist?

There was a little deja vu in there.  Finding a support group would be the first step.  It's a lot easier to come out to people who are just like you.  Most universities (I would imagine anyway) will have an LGBT organization of some sort (since you mentioned GPA, I'm assuming you're in college).  Also, if you don't have a therapist, I would get one.  You can change your thinking on your own, but it's difficult. 

If you have trouble discussing things out loud, write a letter.  Sometimes, just to get my thoughts and feelings out, I'll write a letter to no one and it makes me feel more confident and just better in general.  I actually wrote my friend a letter to come out to him.  It was easier for me to tell him that way and it allowed me to not have to watch his reaction (although I knew his reaction would be fine).

*hugs* 

Yeah, most universities will have an LGBT group for you to check out and a wellness center where you can get free attention. Granted, chances are you aren't going to get a psychologist/psychiatrist at the wellness center who specializes in this, but they can probably point you in some great directions. That's what happened for me!

You used a key phrase in here that gives me a BIG picture of where some of this is coming from.  SUBSTANCE ABUSE!! I don't mind admitting (bragging  ) that I am coming up on 180 days of being clean and sober from alcohol and prescription drug abuse,  and that one of my goals in getting that way has been my gender issues. While I agree that depression is in the picture, most of the drugs people use are DEPRESSANTS.  The withdrawl into yourself and fixation on things that you feel you have failed in are part of an addicted person's life, and a clear indicator of TROUBLE.  Depending on your drug of choice, run, do not walk to the nearest phone book and look up both a therapist and some 12 step (AA, NA, MA, and a few more).  Your school will help you out, and you will not be alone in the line getting help from them.  Not all of the programs will know what to do about your TG issues, but the will help you get to a point you will be able to deal with them better and you will be in the place to rationally and thoughtfully deal with your gender issues.  Getting help for the one, gives you the courage and resources to get help for the others.  Also the help is FREE if you need it that way, although most programs will pass a basket for contributions. 

I was told by my health program to go through an 8 month chemical dependency recovery program before they would seriously talk to me about my gender issues.  I am glad they did, because now I am no longer confused about my issues, (they are VERY real) and I am dealing with the fear and self hatred that I had, and best of all can see how pretty I can be in my preferred gender.  I have also learned how to communicate my real feelings to others in ways that help both of us.  My CDR therapist has eeen pictures of me in femme mode and while it has not been appropriate to bring up in my therapy groups yet, I do have two pictures with me if it comes out.  I secretly hope it will.

Quote from: Vicky on March 21, 2009, 12:45:31 AM
Depending on your drug of choice, run, do not walk to the nearest phone book and look up both a therapist and some 12 step (AA, NA, MA, and a few more). 

Um, I don't want to be obnoxious, but for some of us, the twelve-step programs are offensive in the extreme.

I know you're trying to help, but I would rather be a drunk than go through a twelve-step program.

But I can't argue about the therapist. I never, NEVER thought I could go through therapy again and live, but I think it's one of the smartest moves I have ever made in my life.

Quote from: Arch on March 21, 2009, 02:35:24 AM
Um, I don't want to be obnoxious, but for some of us, the twelve-step programs are offensive in the extreme.

I know you're trying to help, but I would rather be a drunk than go through a twelve-step program.

But I can't argue about the therapist. I never, NEVER thought I could go through therapy again and live, but I think it's one of the smartest moves I have ever made in my life.

The 12 steps aren't for everyone, but calling them offensive is being exactly what you said you didn't want to be... obnoxious.  I know many many people who would not be *alive* today if not for twelve-step programs and the people in them.


@Jester: I think starting with talking to a therapist would be the best bet, followed by finding an LGBT/transgender support group.  Most importantly though, you need to find the courage within yourself to face life rather than hide from it (and yes you do have it).  Therapy and support groups can get you started, but you'll need the inner courage in order to make it the rest of the way.

As mentioned 12 step programs are not for everyone. Substance abuse therapy is not one size fits all. Every individual requires a different approach. It only takes 4 steps. 1- Do I have a problem? 2- Decide if it is a problem. 3- If yes stop using. 4- Maintain sobriety. That's the hard part.   Many members of AA fall victim to Gorski's abstenance syndrome. If you convince yourself it is uncontrollable then it becomes uncontrollable. AA helps people beleive they have no control over there own lives. That is not true. You would be better off with another type of support group like LGBT.

Quote from: Genevieve Swann on March 21, 2009, 03:56:25 AM
As mentioned 12 step programs are not for everyone. Substance abuse therapy is not one size fits all. Every individual requires a different approach. It only takes 4 steps. 1- Do I have a problem? 2- Decide if it is a problem. 3- If yes stop using. 4- Maintain sobriety. That's the hard part.   Many members of AA fall victim to Gorski's abstenance syndrome. If you convince yourself it is uncontrollable then it becomes uncontrollable. AA helps people beleive they have no control over there own lives. That is not true. You would be better off with another type of support group like LGBT.

Okay now you're pouring out opinion as fact.  I would appreciate if we leave 12 step programs out of this discussion, as any more of this is just going to be problematic.

I agree too, that the actual programs are not for everyone in every way.  They are however FREE and accessible on a fast basis, and directly address specific problems.  I do also know people who have ended up with "addictions" to therapy modes that were nearly as bad as the primary addiction.  My point to Jester though, is really to "get thy butt in motion" to get rid of the problems that have more wide spread resources and work toward the gender issues.  I am sorry to have caused a comotion.

In the form of a parable, even as my girl self, I love doing fine wood working, which has lead to my acquiring a large number of special tools, and I especially like some of the antique hand tools that I have received from my grandparents and other relatives.  I have learned to use all of them, and while I have newer electric versions, sometimes I use the old un-powered variety because in the specific situation they work just as well and as fast.    Use the tool that works for you and the end result will be beauty and happiness.  JUST GET OUT THERE AND USE THEM!!

I don't think I need a twelve step for marijuana... maybe reduce the amount I see some of my friends, find focus in my work, so on and so forth.  Most of the things wrong with me that could be attributed to pot were present even when I was sober.  I'll admit that it makes indulging my other bad habits easier, but I've never known it to ruin anyone's life in the past.

I'll probably look in the therapy direction.  Once the semester's over.  God knows I don't physically have the time to pull off the school, work, social life, secret life thing right now.

Thirty years in rock and roll, and I don't know much except when it comes to drugs.  That is something that everyone who has time in the industry has to come to know and come to grips with.  I watched friends of mine get through real problems with heroin, coke, meth, drinking (mostly drinking, its the most popular form of drug abuse), pill, crack.  OK, not crack, that seems to be the last stop on the drug train, if you make it to that station, you're not coming back.  The ones who did not, or could not work it out, are dead.  DEAD, dead.  As in, not getting any better ever.

But pot is not like that.  I doubt that its making your life a lot worse, but its not helping make it better either. So get help if you think you need it. 

But drug addiction is a serious medical issue with tons of overlapping psychological issues, and you need someone who is trained to work through that.  Drug abuse is as serious as a heart attack, and if you would not have open heart surgery done by some untrained amature off the street, then I would suggest finding a similar level of professional training for your abuse problem.  That seems to work.  Of all the people I know, say 30-50, who got off drugs, not one of them did it with AA/NA.  Not one. Oh they tried it.  It just does not have the same success rate as say, the Betty Ford Clinic.

Weed, puff, marijuana can have some nasty effects on some people. Here in the UK it's rated more psychologically dangerous than Heroin. I've personally known a few people go really crazy on it especially on what here we call Skunk. Either severe chronic depression, mood swings or out and out craziness.

That said I don't mind a smoke every now and then....

I think the only negative effect pot has on my life is that it band-aids my problems.  Makes me stop worrying just long enough that I don't do anything about my problems.  I probably won't smoke forever because I know how hard it is to work like a normal adult when you act like a 16 year old kid.  I've cut down a lot of my non-social use.

And no offense imaz, I've seen some of the british laws that are in place, and I find the british government to be a fairly overly conservative government that borders on propogandic at times.  The Antisocial Act or whatever it's called reminds me greatly of the Patriot Act for example.

I have a friend who says that pot is a drug to make boring seem interesting.  That seems about right.

I'd call it the drug that makes absolutely anything interesting.

Quote from: Jester on March 23, 2009, 06:50:14 AM
I think the only negative effect pot has on my life is that it band-aids my problems.  Makes me stop worrying just long enough that I don't do anything about my problems.  I probably won't smoke forever because I know how hard it is to work like a normal adult when you act like a 16 year old kid.  I've cut down a lot of my non-social use.

And no offense imaz, I've seen some of the british laws that are in place, and I find the british government to be a fairly overly conservative government that borders on propogandic at times.  The Antisocial Act or whatever it's called reminds me greatly of the Patriot Act for example.

Totally agree about our disgusting government and their repressive laws. The Law you mention, omnipresent CCTV, Number Plate Recognition and the new ID Cards are really foul ways of controlling the population. It's all about protecting property and wealth not people. You'll get a longer jail sentence for fraud than for manslaughter, it disgusts me.

Quote from: Jester on March 23, 2009, 06:50:14 AM
I think the only negative effect pot has on my life is that it band-aids my problems.

I agree.  One reason I stopped was it kept me from working on my problems and getting on with my life.  Yeah, its fun and pleasurable, but you're not doing what need to be done.  I certainly don't mean to preach, but I didn't find it helpful to me.