Edit: Sorry --- Glory already at the 1st post :/ This should've been posted in the transgender section >_> Its late over here and im just too stirred up inside becauset things hurt alot tonight in my heart

Hello, first to say this is Marina, i had been here for a couple of posts last year but i didnt find out which name i choosed. Most likely something containing "Mercury" since its my word for the kind of transidentity that i am or have, the way that i get and how i deal with it, and thats also what brought me here again since i ... or to say... a Mercury... doesnt get along with people - and it sucks.

I am bitter in life, i've not been acknowledged by therapists to be transident,
and my points of view are misunderstood all the time, so i.e. when im in a chatroom im being ignored, and when the pre-last user leaves, the last one leaves too. Nobody likes to talk with me, just because i hate my disease, i dont celebrate MY handicap of lackign the proper body as a lifestyle.

I definatly have my reasons that i would prefer to be born biologically female than to go through surgeries, i have my reasonst that i would prefer to be able to birth my own child instead to work years toward the goal to be female but still never have a womb, i consider these things logic - who would like to go through surgeries while other people are just born properly, who would like to spend all her money on those things to have LESS (lack of ability to give birth) in the end  -  and people dont understand that and say "many would prefer that" WHAT the hell >_<

And they're like... thinking im dumb. WHile they obviously not get my point, or am i too dumb to bring my point across? Whatever i utter, immediately starts to not appeal to peopel since all i do think is different, my topics aren't handbags but wombs, my topics arent skirts but voice chords, my topics arent the sortiment in a shop but the injustice that a girl is able to buy both, in the ladies as in the mens section but men get dumb looks to do vice versa, this is unbalanced and injustice and nobody cares about those things, so since only i do - i gota be somebody different. And pledging "tolerance, tolerance, transgenders are different" - Looks like I am too different it seems - my "own people" build up big prejudices. So can they be "my" own people? That brings  me back, its the reason why i stand outside, identifying myself with my own word, mercury, instead of "transgender, transident, transsexual, etc."

Regarding the vast size of this forum, I hope I find at least 1 person who understands how i feel. I hate that i have not been born properly, i hate that i need to go through surgeries wich is so much more than the normal girls have to do, and still will have LESS than them in the end.
And i am not regarding my handicap to be a lifestyle. Rather, i hate it.

thanks for reading. (Btw my native language isnt English but german so sorry about some mistakes i might've put in the sentences )

I personally do not consider your condition a handicap. It is an opportunity. You have something many other people do not. You seem serious about your true gender. There is a desire and it will always be there. You will always have that opportunity to improve the lady you are.

Your English gets the point across.  I really think that you will find kindred spirits among a lot of us here.

I too wish I hate been born female.  Trying to finance SRS on a limited budget isn't going to be easy.  And a second job is all but out of the question because of my shifting work schedule.

When I begin to seriously look into it I more and more depressed.  But going forward it the only thing that I can do.  I would rather die than be male again.

That isn't a threat or a sign of suicidal thoughts.  It is just a statement of fact.  I don't look forward to being stick in this in-between mode, but I would rather be here, alone.  Then with someone as male.

Janet

Your not alone by any means. For years I have cried because I could not get pregnant and carry my children. I have to hide my jealousy from my female colleagues who announce their news. I no pray, but if I did I would scream at the injustice that has been inflicted on me.

I'm trying to move forward the only way I ca. My problems seem too large for me to cope. But I have no choice.

Your always welcome to email me if you want a one to one. I don't use chat rooms.

Love and friendship

Cindy James

I often get depressed because I cannot give birth. I also get jealous of pregnant women. Although I love them much. I have long been fascinated with childbirth and being the mommy. Holding and breast feeding my own child. I just do my best to give love and be the best woman I can be  I am too old now anyway

Hi Bunnywitch, I understand every word said. What you have said I have thought about thousands of times before I ever even heard about transsexuality and transitioning. When ever I was alone thinking and fantasizing about what my life may have been, like if I had been born a girl, grown up as a girl. What type of man would I have met, fallen in love with and married? How many children I would have had? Girl? Boy? Both? More? What kind of home we would have had?

Maybe I was one of the lucky ones. I got to help raise and watched 8 kids grow up and fathered three of my own. Not the same as having my own as a mother but I count myslef fortunate to at least have had 11 kids I helped raise vicariously. As you, though, I have so many times sat crying by myself with the thoughts of all that I had missed in life, what had been denied me as a woman.

It wasn't until I was 54 years old before I discovered what transsexuality meant and that there was something that could be done to apease the great god GID, and that was called transitioning. It would be the only opportunity for me to actualy not just touch my dream, but actually live it to as complete as medical science and the shrinks that worked with me could make possible.

This is my reality, I have had the wonderful expereince of having had 11 children under my roof. Now I am too old to conceive children even if I was a Genetic Girl, but to me I am 100% female. I live as a woamn, I socialise with women, and I work in woman's shelter as a woman. I love my life today, there are too precious few years left to waste my time nit picking away the little stuff. I love the me I am and the accomplishments I have achived as a woman, for me I am as genuine as I beleive myself to be. 

I am a real woman with a past history of having once been transsexual.

Cindy       

hi..well its nice to see we have some things in common . wow . at least some of us can say .. hey weres my womb . what a mixed up lot we are . you know what i am saying ....yea ... hey when you say you dont fit in . he he . oh yea i know what thats been like 50 years .  would that be long enough . even now there are some people who wont accept .. well some times we have to change how we think . to be accepted . a bit hard ...a... what we talk about .
i e .  i go up to a guy & start talking about having babys . yea well you know were thats going . it wont work . now try women oh your a male  lost that as well . so whats left . we are women some of us we were born this way . just that miner detail no womb ...yet for some of us we go the s r s live as women what happens . we can & are accepted .. i am . hope you are . its not easy . i can tell you .i am 61 so i have the edge on most of you i dont have to prove any thing i did.nt any way . i still have thoughts of weres my baby . dejarn is our grand kid . at 6
she & i are just so close . she was born when i came out to our kids 6 years ago . & every one else . she is .....my....kid ...she has grown up with us . she knows every thing about me as male & as a woman . we are that close . with out her i dont wont to think what my transision would have been like or even if i would have carried on liveing . thats what this little girl did for me . kaylyn had & gave birth .......she is mine .i  know .   you know what it means to me not having my womb yes jos & i have 3 neat kids 30 to 35 .. & 6 grand kids now . dejarn is mine . thats how close . closer than our kids . thats what it means to me being who i am ....not that all up male .. andro yes . i can not forget that side of me . yet i am a woman ... just no damm womb .. thats all............hey . & yes it hurts ... we just have to live with that . & accept our selfs for who we are . or we go under & its all over .. been down that road . its not nice .. the hell of it for the past 11 years . now we are getting there . slowly like some have said we can talk to each other .
    noeleena@clear.net.nz
        ...noeleena...

Hmn... I kinda always viewed the "can't give birth" thing as one of the few positive things of being born this way..  Not to mention the other pretty gross monthly thing that goes along with being able to become pregnant. 

Well you kind of make up for all those monthlies you missed out on during the first four months of dilation after the surgery. To me, I didn't mind, it was a reminder of who I am. All the things I have experienced evolving and developing into my true self like a teen age girl into woman hood was a once in a life time experience and I will always cherish those moments.

Cherished just as much, but in a different way, as I did having had the privilege of having those eleven kids in my care through the years. I didn't mind staying home with the kids I lived for those days.

The last one I had in my care, her name was Samantha, she was a precious child to me, for I knew that she would be the last one. I understand quite well what you mean Noeleena about loving children, not just like they were your own, but also like they are part of you. It hurts, and it hurts deep once they have all left. The empty nest syndrome is quite real, like mourning the death of a loved one.

Cindy 

Quote from: Bunnywitch on March 19, 2009, 07:23:27 PMI definatly have my reasons that i would prefer to be born biologically female than to go through surgeries, i have my reasonst that i would prefer to be able to birth my own child instead to work years toward the goal to be female but still never have a womb, i consider these things logic - who would like to go through surgeries while other people are just born properly, who would like to spend all her money on those things to have LESS (lack of ability to give birth) in the end  -  and people dont understand that and say "many would prefer that" WHAT the hell >_<

I understand exactly what you're saying here...

It made really depressed a few years ago, knowing that so many other people get this (their sex being correct.) handed to them on a silver platter.

In fact I'm still stuck on this mindset, I don't want surgery because it isn't realistic enough for me... and it costs money for something that truthfully should have been from the start.

...but unfortunately there is no way for things to go any other way. We either have surgery, or we're stuck like this.

Now I've made myself all depressed again. Yay.

Bitter really sucks, and it always sucks, largely because only you got yourself there, and then its up to you and you alone to get out, and your pretty much toast then because bitter people don't accomplish that much.  Largely for the reason you stated when you said Nobody likes to talk with me, just because i hate my disease, which isn't even true, you hate you and you life, and yeah, people don't like hanging out with people who hate life. 

and my points of view are misunderstood all the time
Not a trans problem, its a human race problem.  I used to know a guy, he was a writer, wrote a pretty popular book back in the early 80, sold off the selves as a comedy.  He's bitter.  Why?  He didn't write a comedy.  And I was always like going "listen scumbag, just cash the fricken checks and write a better, clearer book next time."  Like how in the hell could he be bitter, he made money writing, which is like next to impossible.  And hell, I thought the book was funny too, but I think everything funny.

, so i.e. when im in a chatroom im being ignored, and when the pre-last user leaves, the last one leaves too.
Three can hang out in a chat room, but somehow two don't unless they are good friends, don't know why, but its not you.

i dont celebrate MY handicap of lackign the proper body as a lifestyle.
So, how's that working out for you?  Not so well eh?  While I don't think of it as a lifestyle, I celebrate it I guess (you know, going to events, being human, all that stuff.)  But I'll celebrate anything, anytime.   Its not like we're here for a long time, so I figure we might as well be here for a good time.

and it costs money for something that truthfully should have been from the start.
I feel the same way about my California Beach House, still, if I want it, I'm going to have to pay for it.   It may look at first glace like some people are getting something for nothing, but most likely, the bill has not come due yet.

You are not alone in your feelings, but for me I choose to not wallow in it and not let it consume me. I had a phase where I was like why me, I hate myself but that won't get me anywhere. You have to pick yourself up and brush yourself off.