I don't know exactly how to introduce myself, or what to do.
My name is Hilary. I live in Saskatchewan, Canada, and I don't like it. I've always had aspirations to move elsewhere.
Since I was very, very young, I've felt poorly about my gender. I think this can be traced back to as young an age as seven or eight, when I convinced my younger brother that I was a boy just because the idea made me strangely happy. The older I became, and as my body was changed during puberty, the worse I felt about it. It has gotten to points in which I almost break into tears, and feel, as bad as it is, that I'd just like to rip myself apart. I know I don't want to do that, but... Sometimes... Well, it's difficult to stand this. I, as a person, have always felt male. I don't exactly know why, but can any of us pinpoint the reason we feel a certain way? There is no scientific explanation. I have always idolized male figures, longing to be like them, but feeling hindered by my being female. Noticing tiny signs of masculinity in myself - just normal signs, I suppose - somehow bring me gratification. I don't know how normal that is. The more masculine my hands, my legs, my arms, and the rest of me look... The better I feel. In fact, I look strange in the mirror... Out of proportion, almost. As if some part of my body knows I shouldn't be female.
Yet, even with all these facts in place, I am always doubting myself; doubting whether I should do this. And of course, there is the fear of even telling my parents, face-to-face, that this is what I want, seriously, and asking for their guidance. They know, somewhat. I have had a girlfriend (although I would consider myself pansexual), and they are extremely open to that. In fact, I don't think I could ask for better parents. They are very liberal, very open-minded and accepting.
The other night, we had a discussion about me... My mother knows that I want to be a man, but I don't think she takes it seriously. From what she has told me, she seems to feel I only want to be male because of society, and how society treats women. That is not the case. Granted the same rights as any man, I would still seek to change myself. I told her that maybe this is the way I am, and she said I could go ahead and dress like a man... Act like one. But it's not enough, in the end.
Since I was eleven or twelve, I have come online and always introduced myself as... male. It has lost me quite a lot of friends, and I regret that. But a part of me can't associate properly with people if they see me as a girl. It changes how I feel about myself and everything entirely. It's four in the morning here, and I've been up going through this forum and pictures of operations and... I feel pretty serious about this. But I don't know where to start, or even how to.
I think I could probably get my parents in on this with me, but I would love to have a couple friends who have experienced this, who can give me some insight about the whole process. I am not afraid. I think the social aspects scare me more than the pain involved.
Would it be too much to ask, to be called Adrian?
I hope I haven't gone on too long here. Very nice to meet all of you, and I hope I learn a lot from being here...
