I really hope I am posting this in the right area...

When I was young, no one really enforced gender rolls on me. I did what I wanted and played with who I wanted to play with. In school, the kids treated everyone the same, so there was never any real distinction between the males or females. No one cared if someone was a boy or a girl...until we hit puberty. I was born a girl, and I hit puberty fairly early( age 8 ). I developed breasts, and for the first time in my life, I was treated like a "young lady." I hated it! I mean, it really made me angry sometimes. My mother wanted to play with my hair and make me wear dresses. I did not let that happen. By the time I was 9, I was wearing baggy jeans and t-shirts from the boys section of clothing stores. No girl clothes for me. I started not being able to get along with female friends of mine(we had such different interests), and my guy friends stopped hanging out with me because I was a "girl."
My best friend was a girl and she loved makeovers, dolls, barbie video games, unicorns. I never quite understood it at all. I was like, "Hey! Come over to my house. I got a new video game. It has dragons and swords and magic and cool stuff." She'd be like, "You're weird.."

And that became what I was marked as in school..."weird." 5th grade was hard for me, because all the girls started noticing I wasn't like them, and the guys still made fun of me for being a girl. Middle school was...not much fun. I lost all my female friends, and in 6th grade, had no friends what so ever. I plunged so deep into depression. One day at school, I tried to kill myself after a group of girls made fun of me for being "weird." I went to therapy for a while. My therapist figured I was just having a hard time because I was developing faster than the other girls...I stopped seeing that therapist. She wasn't any help to me. I honestly felt like she "just didn't get it."

School got harder for me. I stopped talking to people, started rebelling against my parents, only wore black clothing, started cutting myself, est est. I began feeling more and more like I was on the outside. It wasn't because no one was like me...I knew a lot of kids who enjoyed the same video games and cartoons as me, but they were all boys...and they were still going through this "girls are icky" phase. Then, in 7th grade, I met 3 boys who became my BEST friends. They never treated me like a girl, and in fact, they told me in 8th grade, "It's weird for us to think of you as a girl." I didn't understand what it meant, but I felt better knowing they didn't think of me like that.

I became a huge online advocate around that time. Pretty much all I did was play video games and talk on instant messengers. All the guys I played online with would freak when I told them I was a girl. It was always the same reaction..."WHAT!? A girl? You're lying. There is no way you're a girl." I wondered why they reacted that way...I didn't understand. Why was I SO different from other girls? Why couldn't I just be "normal?" As I got older, I stopped telling people I was a girl online. In fact, I have about 2 friends off the internet, and around 50 friends on the internet. I think out of all my friends online, only 5 know I'm a girl(and they're the ones I've known since I was fairly young.)

Let me get the point I'm trying to make..(I am so sorry, I ramble obsessively, I just want to make sure I get everything out)...I've always felt different, but I didn't even know what transgender was until I was 16...I looked in a mirror one day, my hair was pulled back in a pony tail, and my reflection looked like a guy....I smiled for the first time in a long time...then I cried. I cried for hours. I just couldn't stop. My internet searches turned up the word "transgender." I read so many stories about female to males, and I cried during each of them..I felt like there were people out there who really felt the way I do.
I'm 17 going on 18 in 4 months, but I'm still just as confused as I was when I was 16. No one has ever come to me and said, "Yes, you are transgendered and it's okay." I've admitted all this to 2 people..my best friends. I was so scared to tell them, but I finally said, "I don't feel right as a girl." Just randomly said it...just like that...One said to me, "Are you saying you want to be a boy?.." I just nodded my head...I think she could see the pain in my eyes, because what she said next was the nicest thing I ever heard in my life..."Well, just know, I'll stand by you no matter what and I accept you no matter what...besides, you've never really been...a girl...not to me." I felt....so much comfort in that...My second friend is a guy. He didn't say much at first...but after I confessed that I was so afraid of what people would say, he told me, "If you tell your friends, and they get all freaked out, act surprised, and resent you...then forget them, they were never really your friends, and they obviously never paid attention to you. Their opinions don't matter."

What does that mean? Am I transgender? Should I be a boy? Or am I just really confused? I'm not a lesbian. I don't like girls. I like boys...but I also really want to be one...And what does it mean, "They obviously never paid attention to you." Does that mean it has been obvious to everyone who paid any attention to me? What am I supposed to do? Where do I go? Who do I talk to? Please, if you can, help me...I'm so sick of just battling this out on my own...

I'm so sorry that I ramble. Thank you for your time, and I truly hope you have a wonderful day.

Hi, I hope you find some of what you're looking for here.

As for whether you are 'transgender', first we're not all really agreed on what that means, and second, it's really only something *you* can decide for yourself.  The most important thing is to pay attention to how you feel.  If you feel that you feel more right as a boy/man than a girl/woman, then that's something you may want to approach seriously.  And whether you're interested in boys or girls really doesn't matter -- sexual orientation has little to do with what gender you identify as (just like for people who feel fine in their birth gender).

Hi there,

I would like to reassure you that your story is not uncommon, and it is ok and you are not alone in this. We can't tell you that you are transgendered, only you can self identify as that. But from what you are saying it does sound like you have significant gender issues, feelings of dysphoria towards your birth sex the the roles expected of you. I think you have made a profound step in finding out more about yourself. Well done!

Just some points to note, it is perfectly ok to be a transguy and be gay at the same time i.e. be sexually attracted to men. There are a number of similar people on this site. It is ok to take your time to explore things, don't feel you need to rush into anything. A lot of people will recomend finding a good gender therapist. That is an awsome place to start. We will have lots of advice on how to find one if that sounds like a plan. My other suggestions are to get in touch with a local transgender group, read all you can get your hands on the topic, chat with us here and ask questions. Also take time to explore yourself in terms of presentation, dressing, packing, hair cuts, whatever takes your fancy and makes you feel good. I would also suggest keeping your friends in the loop, they sound like great allies!

Best of wishes, and good luck!

Lots of people will identify with many parts of your post, so hi.

Yeah, you do sound a bit confused.
But it's okay to be confused.
You don't have to have all the answers right now.

Thank you very much for your replies. It's great to know that I am not totally alone. I am so happy that I came here. For the first time, I feel like I've found a place where I'm not completely weird. So, thank you very much!

I've been reading stories here, and I have found that a lot of people start their journey at different times in their lives. Yall are right, this is something I have to decide for myself. Thank you very much, though, for making me feel like it is all okay. Have a wonderful day!!

I don't really have anything new to add.  I guess my best advice would be to keep asking questions about yourself and how you feel and do whatever makes you feel happy.  You don't have to worry about finding a label or anything like that.  Consider all the options you have and see what makes you feel the happiest.  Then go for it!  *hugs*

I may be male to female in progress, but I can tell you I know EXACTLY how you feel.

Quite an odd feeling yes, feels like something just doesn't belong (some have told me its the great creator's way of playing a cruel joke on you) to you that you want to change.

In all, I think exploring yourself, finding accepting people and getting to know your mental health and physical body is a great start :3

At first I was scared about exploring myself, but I actually found it to be interesting and a journey in itself, it just goes to show you that insecurity plays a big role in it :3
(I dislike my male attributes but I plan to change that, plus doing drag and stuff helps, females who wish to do things like that usually cut their hair or do masculine things or tuck their breasts inward and place something between their legs to indicate a male genitalia... I think others are open minded so lets just say they imitate a penis )

Hi and welcome.
As others have said you need to find yourself. This is never easy. You are young and that is not a put down, you may have GID, you may be gay. Guess what, it doesn't matter.  I knew I was female when i was about five yrs old. Ok it took a while to go through the problems. I disticntly remember telling my parents I was female and when would my breasts develop and my periods start at 13 yrs. It didn't go down well. I wish it had; because an awful lot of the crap I have to deal with now wouldn't be there.

Hold on in and plan your life. If you can talk to a therapist or a medic whom you trust. I'm in Australia so the means are different. I have heard that USA schools often have advisors for students, talk to them. Of cousre I'm presuming you are in the US!

Try to stay calm. As I have said in many posts, depression is a BIG problem for people who don't fit main stream society. Keep a tight eye on yourself. You are too precious to to lose. And guess what? You have just joined a very big family of friends that you can talk about anything to

Love and Hugs

Cindy James

Hey nkcookies (love the name, I'm crazy about cookies!  )

Nope, you don't sound weird at all. Very confused, but not weird.
No one but you can determine if you are transgender/transsexual, FtM or what-have-you. A gender therapist might be able to help you with that.

There are many people here on the site, in different stages of transition, or non-transition. Not everyone who is transgender transitions.

Take your time, it's alright not to have all the answers.


PolarBear

Not easy when you are young and trying to make sense of all the inner turmoil running through your head. Yet sounds to me like you may be the only one around you with clarity... how many can truly say that?

I had a similar experience growing up, and there was no internet or any source of information to help formulate decisions. I could never explain to my parents that I should have been a girl. Thing of it is, you need to remember that only you can decide whats best for you. Dont let anyone tell you different. If you stay true to your inner voice and you gut you will know what to do and what is the right choice...

Funny, many would probably tell you that you are too young to make such decisions... yet its a fair bet that all of us knew at a very young age (I knew by 5) and that waiting to get older doesnt change much. One thing you have on your side though is time... and the chance to explore all of your options.

Be true to yourself... 

Hi nkcookies,

Welcome to our little family. Over 2230 strong.  That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers.  Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now.  And it is always nice to have another member.

And be sure to check out

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Janet

Hi nkcookies!
I just joined here recently, as a "straight" woman who is working for transgender rights with a non-profit organization. My best friend of many years is transsexual, and I really think the reason we became best friends (or one of the many reasons, I should say!) is because I had no problem at all with her being transsexual. This was over 30 years ago. Now, I think one of the reasons I felt so comfortable around her is because I have never really been the sort who thinks in "gender boxes." You remind me a lot of the way I was at your age and even younger. Even though I was born female and have lived the life of a straight woman, as a child I could never get with the "girly" stuff and I always liked boys better as friends. In high school, just like you, I dressed all in black... and hung out with kids who were kind of gender ambiguous at the time and later found out they were gay.

As an adult, I have been in love with gay men several times. I mean, really heart-crushing deeply in love. I also have been attracted to women on occasion, although I never went very far with that.

Although I wear makeup and try to look nice (I'm old enough to be your granny, by the way!), I don't even own a skirt or dress, although I can't say I'd never wear one again. I hate perfume and jewelry doesn't interest me except for the simplest things. I've never had a manicure and I cut my own hair (very short).

So, what does that make me? Who knows? It's such a complex subject and one I've thought about a lot. It just seems to me that gender is like a continuum, a line, rather than just a bunch of categories. I believe we all have both masculine and feminine traits and it's nobody's business but our own how we play that out in our lives. Sometimes I wish I looked more mannish (hate my big boobs - lol) or androgynous, but I've never felt that I needed to live as a man. On the other hand, I totally sympathize and empathize with people who do feel they must make that change, either way.

For me, well, I've just accepted myself the way I am. I have very few female friends because of it, but so what? I just have to be me. Even if it takes you a while to find out how you feel comfortable, just keep an open mind and know that whatever it is, it's OK.

Love & hugs,
Hildy

About 20 years ago, I watched a TV non-fiction program. The protagonist was a woman at her 40s who had lived as a boss of Korean gangsters (like yakuza or mafia). At that time, we did not hear so much about ->-bleeped-<- or even crossdressing, but she managed to live as a man for about 30 years. She showed her closet to TV camera, and all were men's including underwear. She still had young 'brothers' of yakuza who call her 'big brother'. Two things were uncomfortable she confessed: when using men's bath room and entering hot spa room. She knew that she differed from other girls even she was at elementary school. She did not know about ->-bleeped-<- or other gender related issues, but she seemed to have lived a successful life, although it was illegal crime organization. At that time, what else could she choose?

Barbie~~