Damn girl... I'm sure you know better than us how much more courage it takes to not transition. You sacrifice your own identity for your family's sake. It probably doesn't mean that much coming from some random guy on the internet, but I think that's truly admirable.

Thanks for your wonderful post Steph!

In 1993 I transitioned M2F and after a year or so, retransitioned due to various circumstances. I was happy living as a woman, however ultimately felt myself to be neither gender. For the present time I've made a choice to live without medical intervention, so am still physically male while female/androgynous in spirit. While I sometimes find it difficult to be perceived as male, and some days the dysphoria is worse than other days, I honor and accept myself as exactly who I am. I am out to the important people in my life, and that also helps.

Zythyra

Thanks to all for the thoughtful, supportive replies. Each of you had something constructive to add that I can learn from.

Everyday, I question whether I have made the right decision and whether I will be able to maintain this path. The one "good thing" about getting older is that you can see your options slipping away. Eventually, you realize that what you have is what you get. For better or worse, I am not a quitter. I know that if I decided to transition, I would not go back. This also means that I will stick with the path I have chosen until I am too old to do otherwise (if I'm not already).

Interalia ... your comments below fit very closely where I stand right now.

"It has been 7 years since then, and while I still struggle with the symptoms of GID, I have come to understand it to a much greater degree than I ever believe I could have had I transitioned.  I know where I am weak, and have learned how I can be strong.  I have experimented and am still experimenting with various coping techniques.  I have learned that some expression of femininity can be very helpful to relieve the symptoms, but just like a powerful prescription medication, doing too much of it can exaggerate the symptoms.  I have also learned that during the times when my GID isn't bothering me as much, I must absolutely not get into a pattern of behavior that pretends like it doesn't exist.  When I do this, and when the GID returns (because it always does) it always comes back stronger and more intense.  I have learned that even in the times my GID is letting me alone, if I continue with the same coping techniques, the rebound is much less destructive."


I have some more I need to say about this, but it will take me a while to get my thoughts together.

Steph

Thank you for this post.

I'm 27 (28 in two months), and this detailed account of your experiences has done much help me determine my own course. You helped me answer so many questions I've posed myself, and given me others upon which to ponder.

From the depths of my being: Thank you.

Steph,
Your post brings up a lot of painful memories about my transition.  I too struggled with many of the very same things.  For me, GID became progressively worse, no matter how hard I fought to stop it. I was able to stop drinking for seven years after being so dependent on it that I drank two double martinis every night.  I stopped completely, not having a single drink in all that time. Yet, GID beat me.  I became totally depressed and despondent after purges to the point that I would lie in the dark for weeks.  I have found that now that I have transitioned and legally female that I can function and hope for happiness. However, I now wonder if I could only have done what you did, maybe my family would still love me.  They gave begrudging support to my transition but once done, I am now ignored and treated like a visiting aunt who has overstayed her welcome. I tried everything to stop GID, even vicious self punishment but nothing worked.

I was deeply religious and felt that God had performed dozens of miracles in my fifty years of life. He was the reason I could stop drinking.  However, instead of helping me, God, accelerated my transition.  I was given courage to proceed and despondency when I faltered.  Just having difficulty in putting in an earring in those early days would bring me to tears because I felt that I might not be able handle being a woman.  To be clear, I did not feel that I was being forced by God to transition. He did nothing to help me stop no matter how many thousands of prayers I prayed.  I could not conceive why He would behave like He did. I believed that Christians should not condone ->-bleeped-<-. I went with the "God doesn't make mistakes" doctrine.  When I was struggling with my mother's telling me that I was a mistake as a child, He said, "I don't make mistakes."   For the record, I do not believe that I am a mistake. I do not hold to current Christian doctrine about the transgendered or gays and lesbians.  To my discredit and shame, I was bigoted before against the LBGT community and for years, I have felt that one of the reasons God did not change me was to show me the error of my ways. I am humbled and ashamed that I held those feelings.  However, my faith in God has been shattered. I feel abandoned. Now, the church is my enemy, trying to cause the transgender community great harm.

I am emotionally alone and struggling with new problems. Internal struggles are gone but now I deal with rejection and other peoples revulsion towards me. These are mostly external problems.  My wife has begun to drink again to cope with me being trans. She had stopped when I did for my sake.  I have succumbed to drinking now as well.  I am not drinking to excess yet but I know that it is dangerous. I drink to be closer to her.  I often think it would be better if I left so she could perhaps start over with a man.  However, I have no place to go. Maybe someday.

In spite of this, I feel that I am better off because I know that had I not transitioned, I would have killed myself.  But, if I could have found a way not to transition and pretend I was a man, for the sake of my family, I would have done it.  If you have a solution it is important to share it. I know that therapists would be interested in the techniques you developed. I really envy your success. It is too late for me though.

Maggie Kay,

I certainly don't think that I have a solution or cure for GID. It's just as hard for me as it ever was. I feel that I am only trying to cope with it the best that I can.

For people like us, I don't think there are any right answers or paths that don't come at a cost or bring some pain with them. I know that, for me, transitioning would bring a whole new set of problems and causes for depression even though it may address my GID. After a childhood where I felt alone and rejected, it is hard for me to imagine living as an older woman without my wife and children in my life. I am constantly weighing the costs and gains that either path would bring. I can't say that I won't ever conclude that I have to transition, but I am trying to stay committed to this path. For those who have transitioned or will in the future, you have my highest respect and admiration. I know the struggles you have gone through to reach that decision, and I know the courage needed to keep at it.

It sounds like you have found improvement in your life since transitioning in spite of some continuing problems. I can only suggest that you give your family more time to accept and understand your transition. Showing them that you are a happier person with a more positive outlook on life may allow them to appreciate your need to transition.

Good luck and keep your chin up. You have a lot to be proud of. Your changing perspective of the LBGT community is a transition that everyone can appreciate.

Steph

Wow, can I relate!  Your story is just like mine.  My GID fluctuates - every once in a while it goes away for a few seconds.  However, even if I went through the pain and expense of transitioning I would probably end up just in between.  Plus, I am mostly attracted to women, and my wife wants a husband not a wife.  There aren't many lesbians looking for trans-partners.  If HRT switched my preference to men, most of the available men my age and older are available for a reason, and not usually a good one. 

Wow Steph, This has to be one of the most profound statements and thoughts on a subject I have ever seen on a site. It reads almost like my own bio and I can so relate to much of your reflections. Sadly or perhaps not, I took my transition to the next level. Born in 1947 and am now 62 and transitioning for the last two years I also fought the "good fight" if one chooses that as a metaphor.

I though could no longer walk one more step further and it did become for the umpteenth time a matter of transition or die. This time because of my age and what life I have left, I could no longer do as you are. There simply was no fight left in me.

The results are mixed, especially when it comes to loved ones and is very painful on a daily basis. The transition has to this date been difficult at times but I have to say also that it has been rewarding beyond my wildest dreams. Had I had just an inkling of how it really feels to be yourself in toto I would have transitioned years ago. The mental pain I allowed myself and others in the Medical and Psychiatric communitys to inflict on me is appalling to me now.

I do pray that you can find a measure of happiness in how you deal with GID and hope that you can remain steadfast if that is what you want to do. I for one couldn't do that anymore and am a much happier and contented female now. Hugs and love.

Wendy

First, I must say. For anyone who is (transsexual) and can go a life time of misery not transitioning, may God bless,

The only thing that makes me feel uncomfortable about this none transitioning proposition, well, like my dad use to say, *whistling in the dark.* Not happy and discontented with life to the point of being suicidal. Been there done that. I'm 63 years old and fully transitioned 9 years, and happy.

PS
Since this thread hasn't gone all that far since the server outage here and having gone back and reread all the posts, I just wanted to say I could feel all the different emotions in each post, some anguish, some sadness, some despair, some hope, some lost, some just barely hanging on, some questioning if they should have or shouldn't have, and some even if it was sinful that the church and even family would ostracise them for it.

Actually ostracising appears to be the  operative word here, specially when it comes to family. Well it is good to think about these things because they are very likely to happen, all I can say is be prepared for those possible outcomes, have a plan and follow your heart, whether that be to transition or not to transition.

It is your choice only, it is a *life* choice, and no one else can make it for you. It is your choice as to how you want and choose to live your life.

Can you be *happy* being who you believe you truly are what ever gender you believe yourself to be and feel *comfortable* being? Are you truly comfortable truly being who you are? There will certainly be some *growing pains and sacrifices* to be made like letting go of things and people close and dear to you. You may need to face many unpleasant experiences in order to be who you truly believe yourself to be, or remain in your present gender and fight.

Which will bring *you* the most fulfillment in life? "Crap" I had to give up every thing that was familiar and dear to me in order to be "me." But I can genuinely say I am *happy* to be me, being me is the most precious part of my life. Before one makes the choice of transition or detransition should think, will I be happy with that choice and is that choice to live who I truly am? Do I feel like in harmony with body and soul?

I believe this is why they have the three months evaluation before prescribing HRT and the one or two year real life test or evaluation of living in the preferred gender before you are approved for the final physical transformation, SRS.  Two years to actually live it and to make your own decision as to whether what you are doing is right or not, for you.

Cindy

First of all, thanks for sharing your experiences. I can relate to some of your experiences as I have had to indefinitely postpone my transition due to current issues at hand, some of which overlap with yours and others being totally different.

From that perspective, I would say it take as much courage to NOT transition and make sacrifices for your loved ones as it takes to actually transition. I have often seen 'non-transitioners' shunned and ridiculed at many a TG community and it makes me sad as not every one has the resources and favorable conditions to actually go and transition.

I can just hope the best for any people who make either decision as both paths are full of challenges and hope that in my interaction with the community, I may find my challenging path to take.

Hoping the best for my sisters and brothers here,
Angie

I am very thankful for this thread. I now know that I'm not the only older person here. Your initial post does indeed cover a Lot of us here and yes it is also good for the younger folks to understand the history of us older girls and how much better things are now and not projecting their decisions to transition and disparage those of us that are not or can not. I still look down and say this is wrong ( my male decoration ) but do I need the physical alteration ( just me not directed to anyone other than me ) to feel complete? At the present I am doing good. Still confused as to labels because I don't fit into just one. I have found over the years ( 62 now ) that when I let someone else influence me ( bad boy/girl? ) and tried to not acknowledge my Fem self  it always came back to bite me GID whiplash just like someone out in the desert thirsty and when you see water you drink to much to fast right away to make up for the drought even though I know it is not good for my system. I believe thats why I am keeping an even keel - accepting inclusiveness for the total self and both m & F even though I do appreciate the upper body strength for things that need to be done on the homestead but always acknowledge my softer nurturing fem self. Hugs to all of you. DG

For me it was always trying to achieve some sort of balance.  I was not able to transition earlier in my life for a whole host of reasons.  But now I am in a position where I can transition, and so I am hoping to.  (One step at a time.)  But my life could very easily have gone along a road where transition would be too difficult - I would have had to give up too much.  Some of us are driven so strongly to transition we will do it regardless of the consequences.  Some are less driven.  It is up to each of us to balance our various needs - GID, family, social position/situation, career, church, whatever.  As we get older, those other factors become harder to change (through their nature or because of our reluctance).  Although we tend to criticize others for not making the decisions we've made for ourselves, we need to remember that each of us is in a different situation, internally and externally.

May we all find joy, peace, and balance.  How you achieve it for yourself is up to you.  Good luck to each of you on your journey through life.

- Kate

You sound like a very strong person. I'm 31 now. And the only way i've been able to deal with this is to break down everything around me. More or less isolate myself. Have just barely enough money so that I have to use a lot of time and energy and creativity just to find food etc. I can make the days go past in that way. I have a high education, university, finished at my early 20's but I knew all along it was just to make time pass. A few times i've applied for jobs, and asked to come to interview each time. But I just shut down again, and didnt replay. I dont want to do that to other people, go around pretending-because that is so bad when people do to me.

How you have managed to make it work is beond me, it is truly amazing. I keep doing this because of my family. The know about it, since I've never been able to hide it. But it has never been talked about. My mother sent me to a healer when I was 16 that put her hands on my head. So i'm waiting for them to say something.

I'm not like a total looser. I do a sport in aviation, where i'm ranked high. And I go to world championships and so on. So I get some money because of this to go travel around. And this is something I truly like, being up in the air alone, away from this planet. But that is also totally ->-bleeped-<-ed up when I am back from space. I usually bring my tent-because I can not stay with the other guys. And people have difficulty relating to me at all. It is just these things that I do better then them that makes them talk to me at all. I truly enjoy spending time with those new to this, since they sometimes look at me like a fountain of knowledge and wisdom regarding this. So that I get a feeling that I mean something. So I often try to transcend this woman/man thing altogether. But it only last so long. One can not stay in the sky 24/7..One good thing, and something that have enabled me to reach this level in this, is that I dont care if I live or die. So i've almost killed myself several times when I have pushed to far and crashed to the ground. One time I woke up in the evening in that alps. Not able to walk, and being unconsious for several hours. And only reaction I had was- well lisa-a, that was a bit stupid. And then made the call for the shopper. One week after I'm in the air again-having had people carry my stuff since I was far from healed. And no scare at all-just a wonderful feeling of being in the air and away from the planet again.

So i'm kind of angry and sad with everything, and find almost no motivation to do anything. Even though having my own family is my highest wish. It seems like tripple mount everest to climb. Like i've tried to be with woman. But it becomes so complicated that I cant find myself to do it anymore. I just do some kissing, since I like that and then retreat...when the clothes go of I almost feel sick, not of her, but of me, so like this, it is never going to be a family. It's the whole fake thing that make is so difficult. I often think that I am insane, and not able to see reality at all. Maybe it's true.

I'm also afraid to go to a specialist. Maybe they say that it is not GID problem I have. I'm just a total ->-bleeped-<- up. I'm not sure if I'll be able to deal with that.

But my biggest problem is that time stands still. Probably, if one get the clock going, then it is more okay, either one transitions or not.

So I continue on, in my cave more or less. I've dressed more or less every day since as far back as I can remember. That is some of the few things that make me feel good. That always helps for some reason. Not all the way as CD's do, but just something simple-like normal. But bad experiences early on made me try to not do this to other people.

So as long as people threat me as a male, all these problems comes. People that know me, dont do it that much, if they do I dont stay around. But those that dont know me do it. I dont really look at my self as a woman-but closer then to a man.

So it is difficult. I've used most of my life to try to figure it out, finding a way out...But like not dressing up, I could never do. That is like the one thing that make me function. I tried burning once at 13, and once at  17, and once at 20 I think. All times it lasted about one week...After that last time I stopped feeling guilt. I really think I am way to deep in. My last girl friend-5 years ago. Told me that I scared her, how this was going to go. That I was way more feminine then her on the inside. I didnt say anything because I knew it was true. But I thought she would like that-and that it could work, since her more masculinity was the reason I picked her out, or more correct let her pick me out-i've never approached anyone like that. But she didn't work that way, so I lost interest in relationships after that, so I pull away now when I sense that.

So I guess I'm still trying to get my life together, and integrate into society, and not do anything about this.

You can always slowly slide into it. Start with nails and a little clear polish and subtly start shaping your eyebrows and dress a little more Androgynous and people won't have to deal with the complete change all at once. Scared and fear will paralyze you, so go see a professional and see what their determination is --- I think you already know the answer to that. Keep you head up and move forward. From your post I can tell you are good at what you enjoy. Then just transfer that to showing your Fem. side and you should be just as successful. A little bit of seclusion is good for introspection but total isolation will take you to places that probably are not good for you and sometimes your imagination will make things out to be worse then they really are when in fact you should be liberating yourself. It is worth it. Check out the threads here and you will see freedom will set you free. Hugs.DG

Hi lisa_a hun.

Your story reflects mine in a  lot of ways. I was about in the same place you were at about the same age you are now. I also was a lfy-gir. Flew bush planes. Chartering out taking tourists out to their cottage destinations. I also loved flying and had no fear of dying. Drove stock car, Demolition Derby, snow machines etc, what ever had wheels. The reason for this was since I was supposed to be a guy I was always vying to be part of the guys. Didn't work. I also ended very much alone, living on the street with my friend my bottle of magic elixir, fix it all alcohol.

But then this is a thread for Living without transition, I was week, I began transitioning when I was 55. I would not trade the past nine years living as my true self for one second of that hell in the past.

Cindy   

Hi Lisa,
As DragonGirl and Cindy said, it really helps to talk to a professional.  They will help you on all sorts of levels, not just with the GID but all the rest.  Sometimes you need someone to talk to and someone to listen to you who can sort out the various interlocking problems.

I once tried to restore an old car.  Sometimes I could work on it, but other times I would go out to the garage and look at it and start thinking about all the different things that needed to be done.  Then I'd go get a beer.

My point is, even though everything is inter-related it helps to work on one thing at a time.  And a counselor can help you with that.

It sounds like you present yourself as not really masculine.  Gender doesn't have to be a binary - male or female and nothing else.  People are much more accepting of variation now than they used to be.  Perhaps you can find something in-between that will feel comfortable to you.

Self-loathing is very destructive.  You have a university degree.  You have had job offers.  You have people who look up to you for what you can do.  There are many reasons you can be proud of yourself.

You are as God made you - a woman but with a male body.  Perhaps it is a test.  If you can be successful pretending to be (mostly) male, perhaps God will then open a door for you to be the woman you are. 

[I don't think in those terms - my spirituality is very different - but if those terms fit how you see the world perhaps this explanation can help.]

Good luck.  It is not an easy road.  Be gentle with yourself as you struggle along it. 

- Kate

Quote from: K8 on April 19, 2009, 08:16:30 AM
Hi Lisa,
..
Perhaps you can find something in-between that will feel comfortable to you.
..
- Kate

I think I am in between. I posted some videoes in the height thread. One of them was this. But even like that is like torture. That is how far I can go to the male side. I dont feel like I have multiple personalities. I dont want this to be a issue at all. It's such a small thing-but still it is so big.
/http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5190961049758200008

I understood your analogy. I dont think in those terms either. But I have learned that all doors I want to open I have to do myself, that is how it has always been. But with my family-I hope they will(and here I am starting to understand that I have probably stepped wrong the whole time). That is kind of how I break down these things around me down. I dont live on the street, but not so far from it-and don't take money from the government-everyone get that here if they have to, since we have a very rich country. So that they can understand, and feel that I dont have anything to loose. And I have open doors in this area as well. It is only that there is other people on the other side that closes it...so I kind of feel helpless. And I dont push them open-that is not how I work. So I feel helpless. If there was acceptance I would have transitioned when I was 16, I knew about it then as well. But every door to me I opened(although in strange ways), was closed from the other side. And ended with me being told that there was something wrong with me, I hit my head when I was a kid, severely-unconscious for a long time-this happened many times-i've always fell down and things like that, and hitting stuff, so I was told my brain was damaged-but a healer would set me straight. So that shut me of from the world-I went to her, but that was the most stupid thing I've ever experienced. So I found out that I had to figure this out my self-but I am about to reconsider. I actually made an appointment some weeks ago-but cancelled 3 hours before. So I'll try to do it again, and go through with it.

Quote from: cindybc on April 18, 2009, 02:32:22 PM
Hi lisa_a hun.
..
I also ended very much alone, living on the street with my friend my bottle of magic elixir, fix it all alcohol.
..
Cindy   

I know that feeling. That is also a good escape. I don't drink that often, don't need to when I am alone. But I always become unconscious when I do it, even the first time when I was about 14 it was like that. I've woken up on the intensive care 3 times..lol-beaten up-I'm not violent at all-but men often become aggressive with what I say or look or whatever. And when I probably just laugh of it-it does not improve of the situation. Well, i never remembered those episodes-so it's like they never happened. Flying is great. I don't use engines though, just thermals. It's not really a guy thing either, I usually find my self flying with the good girls. It's like we make the same decisions. Just now in Italy. One day a French woman was just in front of me. The nest day I was some sec in front of her. Lol-that is kind of typical. And you mentioned cars. I totalled 8 cars up until I was 20, I've always been a horrible driver. The worst was when I fell asleep in the middle of the day, and went three times up in the air. And I crawled out from the one place where the roof was not pushed down. All reaction I had was-ehh-next time you should probably stop lisa-a if you notice you are sleepy. So sometimes I am just happy that I am alive. I'm not religious-so I believe that this is what I will have in this life. And I dont want to die.

I think I can imagine what you say about the last years. When I think back, my mind goes blanc, only thing I can remember is the problems when I concentrate. Even the school,I was not really there, I went to some lectures. And speed reading to the exams. And suddenly I got the diploma, in engineering, I remember I stared dumb at it, wondering what I was to do with this. But I did learn something from that, like a way of thinking. And in another way it made time pass, so that I am still without any strings. Except those to my family.

Quote from: DragonGirl on April 18, 2009, 12:51:43 PM
..Scared and fear will paralyze you..Hugs.DG

Oh, I know. I still run and hide, quite often when there comes people here. I just cant understand why I'm so scared of people, while other things I dont care about at all. My whole reality is so bizarre that I cant help but laugh of my self from time to time. And that is a good thing, I suppose.

And that I am not religious, at least not in regular sense. I believe in mother nature. And sex switching happens all the time in lots of species. So when I look at it this way. I don't understand why I don't find the motivation to do something about it. So in my head there is nothing wrong I can do. If it should turn out to be a mistake, i'd probably just do as always-well lisa-a, that wasnt very clever was it, and forget about what was. So in light of this knowledge, I wonder why I dont go to action. What is holding me back, it's part the family. But also the feeling that it is to late. I remember very vividly when I was about 13. Some boys in my class had put up posters in the classroom of halfway naked girls. And our teacher told us if we knew that those was actually boys. I didnt show it, but I certainly didn't have the reaction she was hoping for. All I was thinking about was, wow, how could that be possible. She explained about the hormones, and i've longed for them ever since. And another thing, when people call me girly things, I never say anything, never had. But it is not like that the other way around. And sometimes on trips, I've suddenly been told that this is the woman toilet. Then I look around, and oh, sorry. Episodes like that make me wonder if they are accidents, or it is my unconsciousness. They happen now and then. And i'm not aware. I'm just told firmly that this is for girls, whatever the situation is. I try really hard to not put label on myself. But if I'm to be perfectly honest with myself I'm quite sure where my identity is-even though I believe in multiple genders. At least a sliding scale. I tend to put my points on the ends, but more on the woman side. And when it comes to people, I put most of them there. And that also complicate things, as I put most people I know around the middle, or on the masculine side, even woman...

Sorry to clutter up your thread stephb, but I've found out recently that I like to write about these things, so it tends to happen spontaneously. Should probably make my own thread for these random braindumps. I'm not sure if I'm really trying to cope, as is what this thread is about. Probably for me it is like trying to figure out the distance over the gap before I jump, that is how I look at it I guess, and if I ever will be brave enough to make that jump-and should. I think I would just prefer to have an accident-and just wake up transitioned after a long coma. That would be easy.

Hi lisa_a hun, I love writing as well. I even tried to publish some books a few years back but that didn't pan out. You realise how much money and red tape it takes to publish a book? I did the next best, I am an active member in 5 different boards and enjoy posting stories on different experiences in my life as well as some fictitious stories and children's stories on one children's board.

Why don't you start your own Blog here on Susan's. A good place for a mind dump, mind you people don't very often respond to your blog but you be amazed how many visit. A good opportunity to teach others about your experiences, experiences that may be beneficial information for them.

Have a wonderful afternoon.

My blog
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,286.0.html

Cindy

Lisa,

We all seem to deal with this in different ways. Reading about how others are doing it (or not doing it) helps us to see what some of the possibilites are. I like that this thread has started some conversation about how well these alternatives work.

I think, for those of us with GID who have not, or are not transitioning, this will always be a part of our lives and something we are constantly re-analyzing. Maybe that's an indication that we should have transitioned. Maybe it just means that it's real and that it's a big, difficult problem with no easy answers.

Steph

It's getting to the answer that is the hardest part. After that it is just living with yourself as who you are. There is a period of time that after the struggle is over and you have established yourself as who you are you may hit a gray area.  It may feel that with all the struggles finally removed it is like, free falling in zero gravity.

This will be the time for Reshaping your life and evolving into a new perspective on life. GID my nemesis no longer exists. I have no Idea what it would be like to not transition so I can not give advice on that. I only know what it was like for me. HELL!

If anyone can do it without transitioning and be reasonably content and or happy with their lives, then hey, Bless ya. I just never heard of anyone doing so. I am not saying no one has, I just never heard of anyone that was in all 63 of my years. If it can be done, then May God bless.

Cindy