For the longest amount of time I can remember I have been living my life a lie physically and preparing myself mentally for who I wish to become.

My family is the worst to turn to for help and sometimes I feel the masculinity in me is too much to bear and it seems to take over my feminine side but not entirely.

I want to be myself but also stay sane enough to be happy to keep my job... its so tough.
One day I feel female after talking to my girlfriend, grandmother or someone who cares about me enough but when it goes to my parents or work, I feel like crying or dressing up as a woman and say "screw this" and just be myself.

These feelings are weird because I want to be myself as my chosen gender but it also angers my family.
I know for SURE I will lose my mother and father in the process as I had quite a heated discussion with them already and I will gain new friends in the long-run.

Why do I sometimes feel male even when it HURTS me inside yet sometimes I feel female entirely?
Is it hormones or something I am unaware of?
I sometimes imagine myself as a male years from now to see what life would be like stereotypically just so I think of what it might be like and once I get into realizing I lose being myself... it sickens me and I just cry mentally because I could lose my personality, sanity and self expression just by going to what my parents expect.

I want to be me, Janet Merai, not my fake life.

Any thoughts on this?