I'm still pre-transition (physically, at least.  ) and wondering if, when, how, and how much.   Internally I feel female and usually feel like I am masquerading as a male.  Every day I wake up wanting to be fully female.  But every once in a while I actually feel male for a few hours at a time. 

I have a question for my post-transition sisters:

Did your sense of identity fluctuate before transition, and if so, did it also fluctuate after transition?  Did it happen differently at different stages, such as before or after GRS?

I did the flip flop for years just trying to save my marriages, but all of them ended with me being the same troubled soul.

When my last ended so did the battle.  I gave in the my GID and found out that I really won.  I am now 1 year HRT and doing nicely.  And 6 months RLE and this is also going really well.

I have my friends and family here.  And IRL.  I really can't see why anyone would go through the pain and misery of not transitioning.

Janet

Quote from: jayjay on April 22, 2009, 07:20:23 AM
I'm still pre-transition (physically, at least.  ) and wondering if, when, how, and how much.   Internally I feel female and usually feel like I am masquerading as a male.  Every day I wake up wanting to be fully female.  But every once in a while I actually feel male for a few hours at a time. 

I have a question for my post-transition sisters:

Did your sense of identity fluctuate before transition, and if so, did it also fluctuate after transition?  Did it happen differently at different stages, such as before or after GRS?

Well I was at one time post-transition, but later de-transitioned.  But for my experience, once I transitioned the flip flop occasionally occurred - but mostly because I felt like I had to lie to people.  For instance, everyone took me as a genetic girl, so I found myself often making up stories about my past or "translating" my past to hide the fact that I was a boy.  It got frustrating but mostly because I feel the need for authenticity in my relationships.  So lying to everyone wasn't making me very happy.  I was happier once I "came out" as having once been a boy to those closest to me post transition.

Now there are times I am okay being a guy, and other times I am not.  The GID comes and goes - sometimes it is stronger, like a ringing in my ear, other times it is lighter, like a buzzing in the back of my mind.

This is interesting... before I transitioned I was fairly obsessed about my identity being female and all that. Now frankly I don't really care or even think about it much unless someone reminds me in some way.

Maybe it's fear and frustration that causes it, but when one reaches the point of no return they disappear?

Quote from: jayjay on April 22, 2009, 07:20:23 AM
Did your sense of identity fluctuate before transition, and if so, did it also fluctuate after transition?  Did it happen differently at different stages, such as before or after GRS?

Brave question, hon.

Actually, I feel like my identity fluxes all the time. Better now, full-time, then it was before, but I have windows of time where I feel like me, Jennifer, and then windows where I feel like me (guy) dressed up like Jennifer. Forty years of experience and brain memory wiring took its toll.

My hope (and intuition) is the longer I go forward as a woman, the more integrated I'll become. It is also hard being around people from my old life, because I keep wanting to present to them the person they knew (who was male).. but I cant afford to do that.

Quote from: jayjay on April 22, 2009, 07:20:23 AMDid your sense of identity fluctuate before transition, and if so, did it also fluctuate after transition?  Did it happen differently at different stages, such as before or after GRS?

I'm post op. Prior to transition, my identity did fluctuate quite a bit. Now, there is no male or female identity. There is only me. And I am a woman. It took me a long time to evolve to this stage. In the early parts of transition, I fluctuated quite a bit. The most important turning point for me was when I had FFS and went full time. After that, there was no going back nor was there any desire to go back.