Well, i'm at home, and in my room as i normally am when I am here.
So I just on impulse decided to do my hair more girly, instead of loose as it normally is. So I made two pigtail, this is what I normally do elsewhere.
First I didnt think she was there, and then I noticed she was, so I got a scare. Then she laughed and asked what I was scared for. Nothing, I said. Did not think there was anyone here. No mention of my hair, and put her nose in the book again.
So I went past, then stopped, and decided to confront her. So I asked, what do you think about my hair. Barly looked, said that a ponytale was better since I was a man. And I said..aarrg..forget about that, i just want to know if it is pretty. Then she said, yes, maybe if you where a indian(i've done this before, and explained that this style probably originated from the indians). So I said forget about those irrelevant connections. How does it really look. So she said, it's okay, but you should use another color then pink elastics. So I said, i'm colorblind(not really true, but am colorweak) so I can use whatever I like, those things does not apply to me. Then there was no answer. Then I said, I think this looks nice, much better then what you did(some time ago, she mock braided it, like extremly girly, did not fit me at all)this is more real. Did not answer again, just looked now and then. Then she started talking about there was soon to be dinner, so I should stay away from the cake. Went down to my room. She knows all about that I like to use feminine clothes, but I dont do it at home, just have it laying around, so she can see it.
I wonder how you think it went. I am quite good at measuring others state of mind. It is like she dont want to confront her own feelings. If she ignores it this will go away. And if she reminds me that i am a man I might start beleave it. This is a tactic she has used for a long time. Sometimes when she is in a good mood, it is several different names you typically would use on a teenage girl. But I sense when she does this it is half good hearted, and half to check for reactions. I always respond naturally to this. But then she stops for a while, and then it is this man imprinting.
Maybe I should just go straight out and tell that I want to change. Instead of keep trying to get her to ask me about this. I'm horrible of being the dominant part and start serious conversations. I think her main worry is that I'm going to be rejected even more in this life, probably she thinks I would not be pretty enough. And things will be even more difficult for me. Also I think she is worried about what the rest of the family is going to say, but I dont think she cares that much about that any longer. And I also think she knows that something needs to be done with me. I think they both do, my father as well. Some few weeks ago, I accidentally looked the bathroom room, and went to my room. My father went and couldnt open the door, he almost went into some sort of panic, and was about to brake down the door because they thought I had fainted in there. My mother said she had not seen him like this before afterwards, and tried to laugh it of. So I dunno, I want to step careful, I dont want to hurt them.
Yes, I know, I am 31 years old and so on. But my mind is very much like a childs. So there is nothing I can do with that. And it is not really a problem for the people that is close to me. I'm usually the one that they can make fun of, or things I say that is weird. I like when people laugh.
So, advice? I dont want to make any mistake, I feel I've done enough in my life. And I tend to think to good about people. So these ideas i've had might come crashing down on me if I am mistaken.
Edit-removed a link.
