Well I feel like I'm an enigma. yet I'm not so strange. I want the same things as every other person, although I always am given a questioning stare.I described as "awkward" or even "socially retarded"
I'm awkward and largely alienated as well as someone who alienates quite a few people herself.
I identity is mtf and I've seriously followed this path up to two years under the label (transsexual) but in essence it's been in the background of my mind my entire life. Wanting to be a girl, that was always easy...even if I tried and maybe even succeeded at convincing myself otherwise at times, it was believe that I was one that was much, much harder.
I remember being young and liking girls, being fascinated by them, idolizing them a little...and mostly wanting to be with them, wanting to be one of them....some might have thought it was "lost boy" syndrome and I was a little Casanova...but no...I wanted to be a girl....but I couldn't...they told me I was disgusting, and I believed them...they didn't seem to like me...usual kid stuff. "gender wars" that take place on every playground across America...I just wanted it to stop...but luckily for me.. I often didn't have to move whenever the line was separated by gender in grade school, the boy line would seem to form around me as I stood in place and stared blankly ahead, glancing over at the girls line every so often. when it all came down to it I guess I wanted a girlfriend...because I felt like I could never be a girl...so having one by my side was the next best thing.... it never happened...not in elementary school.. not ever actually.
by the time I got into sixth grade I transferred out of my old school a private Lutheran school into a public school. it was pretty nifty, although scary at first...swearing and "ghetto" slang started entering my
vocabulary.It was this year I made a peer group of two girls who I spent a lot of time with (I also hung out with a few boys. but... I liked to bond with the girls. but the boys told wonderful stories. I love stories above all else. their the magic of this world and the most powerful and important thing we have...the power of an idea) one of the girls is my best friend to this day.
as I moved into seventh grade the girls. each a year my junior were left behind and I was alone, the boys too. none transferred with me into my middle school. Middle school sucked,I was emotionally and physically abused by just about everyone, student and staff, I was grouped, I was insulted and I was spat upon.... I remember often how much stronger my thoughts got during this time "I should be a girl...I'm nothing like these boys...I never have been...." I often immediately followed that up with "no-no being a girl would be awful! I couldn't handle all the attention from those pervy boys!" this sometimes worked for the moment...but every night as I showered I would look out the window and say "I wish I was a girl...please make me a girl" sometimes I would chant incantations I made up (yes I'm a weirdo) eventually I muttled through 7th then 8th even making a few friends... I made it to highschool.
Highschool was a wonderful change of pace. I joined the drama department, and although it brought great frustration it also brought great fun.. my feelings relaxed and sort of stood by the way side, epically for the first two years. But they were never gone..the last two years brought two a lot of developments. during this time my grandpa's health declined I spent a lot of time online I also searched "gender transformation" fiction...which I liked....but was always disappointing...because they were never women...it was never natural transgression...they either became sex objects or made it the best they could as men newly made as women...they never felt like me...it was through this interest that I found a site which I met transsexuals and I read and researched and felt that was what I was (I know. not the best way to come to life changing conclusion) after time I built up courage came out to my best friend and eventually to my mom....mom was the worst...she made things awful....but she's gotten better. and we speak easily with one another again....
I've graduated highschool and am not currently attending a college nor am I employed. I have many issues. but one thing I am sure of is I was meant to be female, I am female.... but I need to fix things for myself...
